I Finally Ended It
I finally ended an 8+ years long relationship (2007). I am 28 and he is 36. He has two biological children with his ex-wife (2004 and 2005) and her daughter that he has raised since she was 6 months old (2002).
I had been telling him for a while (honestly years) that I was unhappy. I had tried to break up with him before. I told him I was going to leave. This last time, I told him I was going to leave in March 2015. I wanted to save some money before I left and it would be income tax time. But, we had a real bad argument the weekend of November 8th. I cashed out one of my 401K accounts on the 12th (obviously early and knowing I was going to be severely financially penalized). We had another bad argument the weekend of the 15th. I filled out an application to a place on Monday the 17th. It was approved Friday for me to move in Monday the 24th. I was going to try to move all my stuff out over the next few days so on Wednesday the 26th I would come home from work, tell him it was over and leave. However, I ended up telling him Tuesday night. He was obviously upset.
It's been a roller coaster of it's my fault, it's your fault, we could have done stuff with the money to make us both happy, blah blah. Never mind that using a retirement plan in this manner was obviously a last resort; I didn't want to ask anyone for the money.
Now we are at the point of he didn't realize it was this bad. He's sorry, he'll do anything. I told him, I don't believe him. He says the only reason for me to get a new place was if I didn't want the relationship to work anymore. I told him I don't want it to work. I want him to forget about me. I am tired of arguing. I am tired of having chest pain and anxiety.
He hand holds his ex-wife because she has the kids. She wants to be a lazy bum and I cannot deal with the situation anymore. Whenever anyone makes mention of him getting another job or a different job, he makes the point that he isn't going to work more so his ex-wife will be entitled to more money while she continues to do nothing.
I told him I could continue to pay my half of the rent while he figures out what he is going to do. He is upset with me because I won't be completely be mean to him. He feels like I am giving him a thread of hope. I am not.
Once I get the last of my things, I really don't want to talk to him anymore. "Our" apartment is also still in my name so I am not wanting to ruin my credit over this.
He wants me to let him down gently- gradually stop seeing him. He has said he won't recover from this. I don't know if he really would be mentally messed up if I just stop seeing him cold turkey. I do care about him, but to be honest, if he hurt himself or something like that- that's on him. I can't deal with this/him anymore.
I just don't know what to do.
I agree with this, very wise
I agree with this, very wise words "Make a list of all the bad things in your relationship and place it somewhere. When you are weak - read the list"
When I finally split from my ex for good (after 5 years of an unhappy relationship, and around about 5 times of seperating, then getting back together as I had such high hopes of us working out)
I did exactly this in my journal, wrote out all the things that he did to upset me or disrespect the love I had for him. (I had to read it many, many times in the first few months after our break up, rose coloured glasses come on when you look back. You automatically forget all the bad stuff. Having it written down to come back to and read, really really helps)
..then in the next few pages of my journal I wrote what I actually wanted in a relationship (I was essentially writing about my "dream man")
Many years later, I came across my (very dusty) journal after I got together with my now DH. My "dream man" list basically described him exactly. I was so happy that I actually let DH read my dream man list, and he agreed that it sounded just like him!!!
Be strong and know you have made the right decision. You *will* find someone who treats you with love and respect, who honours and adores you for who you are. x
I have been writing in my
I have been writing in my journal all along. I had been going through them recently and they had helped me realize that I am doing the right thing. The earliest entry I can find is from July 2009. But, thinking back there are other clues or things he did that should have alerted me.
Things we not always so bad. I just thought/hoped it would get better as he was going through a rough time. And he was my first boyfriend. I wanted it to last forever.
I think if he had met me first, things would have been wonderful. However, the point is irrelevant because he didn't.
But, I will make a list. Even though I KNOW I am doing the best thing for ME, it is still very difficult.
Well done for finally ending
Well done for finally ending it.
Now your priority is towards yourself and your financial situation. What you need to do is go and speak to whoever you need to over the apartment. You need to figure out how you can best protect yourself. Is his name on it too? If your name is on it alone then he needs to leave the address, if its both names then he needs to figure out a way to take you off it.
When my previous relationship failed we had bought a house together, fortunately (or unfortunately depending how you look at it) I had put in more money for the deposit but my name was not on the mortgage as I was made redundant and got a new job just before closing the deal on the house. So we had a choice of proceeding only in his name or backing out, we moved forward just in his name.
Nearly two years later when I finally left it was still just in his name, we had never gotten around to changing it, so it made it easier for me in sense of financially as all I had to do was change over some bills and stop paying some other things. That relationship was also one that had gone on for 8 years, just no children involved, he was in a state of shock as like your now ex claims "he didnt realise how bad it had gotten". You have to be polite but firm. I chose to pay the bills that I would have normally paid for the following month, I paid it upfront when I left so he didnt have to worry himself with the extra outgoings until the following month. But thats all, at the end of the day hes an adult and he needs to handle his money.
Same with your now ex, if he cannot afford to stay living where he is at the moment then he will need to move, that is how life works and what happens after a relationship break down but if you remain involved in anyway, even financially, he will take it as signs that you might be able to make it work.
Book an appointment to see whoever you need to about taking your name from the apartment, if its rental it will be easy, might involve a fee but thats it. If its a mortgage then he will need to buy you out, but honestly? Its worth the cost of hiring a lawyer to send him a letter just to make sure he understands that this is real and you are legally/financially separating your assets from his.
I cut off all contact with my ex, whenever he tried to pick up communication I would ask him about the money I put in for the house, I made it clear that was all I was interested in. I didnt care if he kept or sold the house but I wanted the funds I'd put in, when he went silent I went to a lawyer and had them write a letter. Sure it annoyed him at the time but at the same he realised we really were over.
He wants to stop seeing you
He wants to stop seeing you gradually????? Uh, that is man-speak for "But can't we still fuck while I find a new girlfriend?"
Exactly! Good for you, heal
Exactly! Good for you, heal and move on to happiness!
A partner that has No ex-wife
A partner that has No ex-wife or kids from a previous relationship!!! You dont need that. Have fun, date! You're young and have a good head on ya!
He said what he meant. He
He said what he meant. He said it would be safe sex for both of us. I did twice. Then I realized that it wasn't going to be just sex for him and I stopped.
Good for you! Go cold turkey,
Good for you! Go cold turkey, honey. You tried telling him for years that you weren't happy about the situation and he chose to do nothing about it. Him asking for mercy right now is such a fucking joke.
Find out if you can find a
Find out if you can find a roommate to move in and take over your portion of the financial obligation, and get your name off the lease. It is very generous of you to offer to continue paying half, but it leaves loose ends that will just drag things out, as well as delaying you paying back your 401k.
Selfish turd! You are well
Selfish turd! You are well out of that relationship. First he guilts you over the fact you have been forced to dip into your pension plan in order to facilitate this unbudgeted heart wrenching relationship breakup and states you could have used this to benefit your relationship (read HIM and his kids)! :jawdrop: Then he asks you to slowly reduce your contact with him in order to help him adjust! :jawdrop: What an awful excuse of a human being. Its ALL about HIM.
Am guessing thats why hes dumped, as thats exactly how hes treated you and your relationship, like an after thought, so long as hes alright.
Do NOT feel guilty. Its time you consider your happiness, security and health. Hes the type of vile man who would twist the worst situation in order to berate you and would use something which affected you horribly as a means to wrung sympathy for his advantage while throwing you under the bus. Ensure you cut off contact with him immediately. Hes a parasite, who just wants to cling on to use you. You are no ones habit.
I was reading about Walk Away
I was reading about Walk Away Wife Syndrome and some people were saying it was tragic that the wives did leave even after their husbands proclaimed they would "do anything". Which was my issue. How do I know he wouldn't do anything and change and be what he was supposed to be?
8 years says it all.
8 years says it all. :jawdrop:
Eight. Years. That's how you
Eight. Years.
That's how you know. Plus he's acting like a manipulator now, not a man. That tells you the last 8 years of behavior are still currently in effect.
If he hasn't changed in 8
If he hasn't changed in 8 years he's not going to. And if you go back to him things will be different for a few months then go right back to the way they were because afterall, why should he change? He knows you'll always come back.
Congratulations. You're doing
Congratulations. You're doing what you need to do by investing in yourself and the rest of your life.
Honestly, when we're young and "in love" it's really hard to imagine that spending the rest of our life with one person also means spending the rest of our life with their previous partners and multiple children and child support and visitations and feeling like an outsider in our own home and for some of our income going to their CS obligations for decades ... the reality of steplife for many.
Dream jobs, dream vacations and dream homes on the Gulf take a backseat to court orders and obligations. The emotional element is the most difficult to nail down but I think takes the greatest toll.
You are not leading him on, you are trying to act like the decent woman that you are. Perhaps you need to rethink it. Give BF a 30 day notice to leave in WRITING ... text/email. Pay the rent, whatever, but let the landlords know that you need to get yourself off this lease. Cut ties cleanly without a backward glance. Almost 1/3 of your Life has already been spent with this nonsense.
Move someplace that feels light and free of this garbage. Move closer to friends or family or work or into that not-kid-friendly loft with the spiral staircase you always wanted. Take time to discover who "LoftyDreams" is now.
You are doing it. Time to
You are doing it. Time to cut him off cold turkey and move on with your life. The "let him down gently" crap is just manipulation and an attempt at control.
As for the old apartment. He can pay the rent of be evicted. Even the risk to your credit score is not worth continued interface with your X.
Block his number and enjoy your new life.
You did the right thing. He
You did the right thing. He is a 36 year old man -- he knows what a freaking breakup is!
"Gradually stop seeing him"--wtf??!!!??!
DO exactly what you are doing, take care of your own needs, credit rating, all that. And go cold turkey with him as soon as you can. You gave him 8 years of a chance and he just hasn't been listening. Too bad, so sad.
BTW, looks like you were only 19/20 when you met him. There may have been a reason he dipped so young, an older woman (such as yourself right now!) wouldn't put up with him for very long.
Please trust me when I say there are better men out there, better relationships. Your adult relationship experience consists entirely of this man. Don't let him bamboozle you. There are men who will listen to your concerns and work with you as a team. You deserve that. Don't settle for less.
its pathetic when men dont
its pathetic when men dont have the balls to move on with new relationships.
8 years is enough.
as for "letting him down," you owe him nothing. cut your loses and move on.
you will be so much better afterwards.
What a tough thing you did
What a tough thing you did for yourself, but I am sure it will be worth it in the long run! Wishing you all the best.
Me too!
Me too!
I do feel freedom. It has
I do feel freedom. It has been a tough week. He keeps calling and leaving messages even though he said he wouldn't. I am glad I didn't tell him where I live. I blocked his number but my phone will still let him leave voice messages.
Most of the time I talk to him, he sounds sad and remorseful and then he puts his foot in his mouth and it makes me angry for even answering the phone.
He's tried to get me to come over and have sex twice and I'm just like leave me alone.
It is SO hard but it's getting easier every day.
ChiefGrownup stated my entire adult relationship experience consists of this one person. I feel so stupid for staying so long. I feel like I wasted my life even though logically I did not.
AHH! I just want to scream!
But, I made it out.
Hang in there - I may soon be
Hang in there - I may soon be in the same situation as you. It is so hard, but you are strong and can do it. You are doing the right thing. dtzyblnd brought up a valid point on two red flags when dating again that I even see as I start to make guy friends during my current separation. Its bad when someone bads mouth all their ex's, and can't say anything nice about them. Also, "my kids come first, they are great, blah, blah, blah" is also totally uncalled for.