I feel so alone... UPDATE
I've been feeling lately like it's BF and SD against the world, which is me. I really feel like he spousifies her, making decisions and making plans and then they inform me what's going to happen. I feel like my life is completely out of my control and that I'm just following along as the third wheel in their family. I got home from work the other day and SD9 informs me that "Daddy said it might be okay for to spend the night this weekend". I looked at him and he shrugged his shoulders like he didn't know what she was talking about. I had to get in the shower to get my thoughts together and ended up talking to him and telling him that I wished he would have talked to me about it and he could have told her "We'll see". He said that's exactly what he did say and that he didn't get a chance to talk to me about it because she accosted me as soon as I walked in the door. I gave him the benefit of the doubt about it because she did accost me but I told him that before any decisions are made (ie plans, schedule changes, etc), he should talk to me. He agreed and we went on about our evening.
So last night he told me that he might have to work for a few hours on Saturday morning (he's self employed and not getting a whole lot of work in lately). Of course I would not have a problem with this even though I'd be alone with the girls for that time. I just wish that he would have run this by me before committing to it. Obviously it wouldn't be a problem but it's yet another example of him not involving me in the decision making process that affects all of us. Later in the evening last night he told me that he's probably going to take SD snowboarding on Sunday and that they had discussed it. I got very quiet and he pointed that out to me so I told him that I was upset that he had made plans with her and as an afterthought, invited me to go. I said that once again, I wouldn't have a problem with it but they're making decisions without involving me whatsoever. I told him that I felt he was making her more of his partner than me and that I don't feel like I'm a part of anything.
When I woke up this morning, my stomach was in knots so I emailed him, explaining everything about how I feel. I told him that my point of the email was not to start a fight, just that I'm sad that I'm being treated like the child and the two of them the parents. I told him that I've been waiting to be invited to be a part of their family, that he's not treating me as an equal part of the family unit and that I don't know where I fit into his life. I hope that we can have a productive conversation about it and I hope that he wants us to start functioning as a family. I'm just so sad right now & I don't know how to make these feelings go away. I'm jealous of SD and feel like he has a type of relationship with her that I may never be able to have with him.
oh sweetheart I go through
oh sweetheart I go through the same thing. Just as an example: for new years we couldn't decide what to do, DH and I hadn't had time to discuss it yet when SD comes home and says, "we're going to xyz for new years right??"
I was like, "uh..not that I know of...your dad and i haven't talked about anything yet."
Dh jumps in and says, "OH, we were just talking about it and we threw that idea around just to see if you and choochoo would think it was a good idea."
Of course me in my bitchliness...I say later in private, "ya know, it would be nice for you to discuss things like this with YOUR WIFE first before having the 'what shall we do' conversation with your daughter like her opinion matters over mine."
He apologized of course to smooth things over but he still continues doing it occasionally when he has a lapse in sanity. These days I go into full on bitch mode and disagree to doing half the stuff they come up with. I refuse to be part of their little musketeer all for one one for all bullshit daddy/SD together forever team. Screw that.
Don't be jealous babe, SD is 9...she will soon grow bored of being daddy's little confidant when she discovers friends,boys and way cooler things to do. He's just building a necessary bond with her right now and making her feel important so hopefully when she's done being a crappy teen she'll still care about her old man when she's an adult.
I do think you should express the isolated feeling you are experiencing right now. I think it would be healthy for DH to hear what's going through your head. It's hard for these guys to invite us into their special little family club bc they don't know how to fit us in anymore than we know how to fit ourselves in. It's a learning process but all people involved have to be conscious of their actions...I hope your email to DH forces him to be conscious of his choices and actions so you guys can begin working and learning together instead of having you flail around in a pool of nothingness waiting on the next decision to be made for you by DH and SD9.
Good luck my dear...update us on what he says about the email.
"Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else." ~Judy Garland
Oh, I forgot. I subscribed
Oh, I forgot. I subscribed to Stepmom magazine and in this month's issue, there are 3 pledges: one for the bioparent, one for the stepparent, and one for the couple. In the bioparent one there is a vow that they pledge to consciously put us together at the head of the household and involve the step in all decision making. In the stepparent one there's one about how we'll feel left out at times and that we vow to talk to the bioparent about it. More stuff in both about understanding, etc, etc. I printed those out and circled the specific ones I'm talking about and put them on his keyboard. Hopefully that will help to convey my point.
"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".
BBB hello again , you make
BBB hello again , you make me laugh with your descriptions " little family club " , " crappy teen " , "Daddy's confidant " and my Favorite , " their little musketeer all for one one for all bullshit daddy/SD together forever team. LMAO
I am on the same page with you about all the planning that goes on between everyone then I get the Memo , an my suggestions don't ever go over to pleasant because No one likes to do anything ..
Im just not cool enough I guess , I missed out on that class in High school ..
lol...Teens ARE crappy! The
lol...Teens ARE crappy! The whole lot of them!
Don't be sad Rich, I didn't take the "how to be so cool in a world filled with uncool" in high school either.
I also missed out on, "Manipulation 101" as well as "Entitlement to suit all ages" and "how to make your spouse feel excluded"<----I heard that was a fascinating class though...
so don't feel too bad
"Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else." ~Judy Garland
So how do you handle it? I
So how do you handle it? I can't imagine feeling like this constantly, let alone with major things like that. They don't understand how insignificant it makes us feel.
"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".
That's why I've kept our
That's why I've kept our money separate and will continue to. First, I don't need Wilda coming after me in her entitled quest for child support. Plus I have enough resentment about money anyway. BF has expensive hobbies and I don't - I don't feel like being pissed because he's spending all of this money on fun stuff while I'm only spending on bills and groceries. I'd rather be poor and have what I want than be poor because all of my money is going to someone else and for other things that have nothing to do with me. Money's always a source of stress and I'd rather keep it as uncomplicated as possible.
"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".
Stepmom008- You have
Stepmom008- You have recieved some great advice already from stepaside and Barbie, and no, you are NOT alone. Many of us here no exactly what you are going through. I agree, you have every right to be the decisive factor in this family. I have wondered where I "forgot" to sign up for the "family club" myself. Let me know how the email communique goes?
"I subscribed to Stepmom magazine and in this month's issue, there are 3 pledges: one for the bioparent, one for the stepparent, and one for the couple. In the bioparent one there is a vow that they pledge to consciously put us together at the head of the household and involve the step in all decision making. In the stepparent one there's one about how we'll feel left out at times and that we vow to talk to the bioparent about it."
Where is this pledge and I'm sitting here lmao thinking about everyone signing this...(I wish) Psycho BM never asks me about a damn thing nor includes me in anything pertaining to ss5. That's why she can make the schlep for ss5's precious schooling next year.
Do we have a way of posting
Do we have a way of posting attachments? If so, I'll post the pledges for everybody...
"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".
I have zero clue Stepmom008.
I have zero clue Stepmom008. I can't even check my inbox for some reason.
BF and I talked when we got
BF and I talked when we got home last night. He actually hadn't even seen my email so I took it as a good sign that he was willing to talk without being prompted. Now my BF is very much an internalizer and I know that his head's always muddled with all of the things that he has to deal with: helping me integrate, being a good dad, attempting (hard as it is) to have a decent relationship with Wilda, worrying about work and when his next job is coming in, paying bills, etc. He said that he's not trying to play favorites or exclude me - he just tries to find the best way to keep everyone occupied, comfortable and happy. I can understand this. I told him that I'm usually okay with how things are, it's just that sometimes I feel left out and like I have to compete with SD9 to be his partner. I told him that I'm probably a little oversensitive due to the fact that prior to New Year's weekend, we hadn't had any "us" time in a long time and because we've had four sets of friends get married just this summer alone and now one set is having a baby already. He said that it's not so much the marriage thing that scares him, it's the having kids thing. He said that he worries that we'll have a baby and SD9 will do something wrong and I'll snap at her & she won't be able to handle it. Sorry, but if she's that oversensitive, she needs to be in counseling. I asked him if that's what he was really worried about or if he was worried that she'd want to go live with Wilda full time where she'd have undivided attention. He said that was pretty much what he was worried about so I told him flat out that we cannot allow Wilda's potential nastiness or SD's actions dictate what we do with our lives. I said we need to put US first and whatever happens, we'll deal with. We need to start looking at ourselves as an US and not as you and I. He told me that there's nobody else for him but me and if for some reason we don't work out, then he'll throw in the towel. I agreed with him and told him that I worry that if I make one wrong move, that could be it for us. He said that he worries that I've had enough and will leave. So basically, we've been insecure about us this whole time. It's weird, it's like we're insecure but we're not. I don't know how to explain it. We know we're going to be together but it's like we're waiting for the other shoe to drop - we've both had terrible relationship experiences so I think that's made us both a little bit guarded. Now that we've talked I think we're both feeling better but I really still don't understand what he's waiting for. If we know we're going to be together and he's not so terrified of marriage then why hasn't he asked me? Then we got into the kids talk again. He knows I want two of my own. He doesn't - he only wants one more. So now I feel like I'm at a crossroads. I'm not going to be one of these "I can change his mind" women so if I'm going to be with him, then I only get to have one kid. Am I making a mountain out of a molehill on this and maybe looking for a reason to run? Or do I need to think about leaving and finding someone who I can have everything I want with? But I cannot imagine my life without BF. Everytime I think about leaving, I just think about how much I love him and I realize that we can deal with whatever comes up. Maybe it's not that big of a deal but I really do want more than one child. Maybe I just need to freakin' relax for once.
"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".