I'll make this background as short as possible: SD12 was abandoned by her mom at age 5. We took her and she hadn't seen her mom in 7 years. She was mean to our toddlers and wanted to see her mom so we sent her to live with her. One month later her mom says she can't handle her and sends her back. The month she was gone was the best month of my life...my kids started to come out of their shells, our family time was quality family time without SD trying to sabotage it. I had said she would never be allowed back in my home without treatment for her issues (RAD and likely ODD) because I didn't feel our other children were safe. We tried to have her admitted, but they said until she seriously injures someone, they won't take her. They suggest counseling which so far hasn't worked.

Before this whole mess, I treated SD as my own child. Now the treatment center (that won't take her) says she resents me because I parented her more than her own parents did (I think I deserve an award for that, SD and treatment center acts like it was a bad thing). So I am backing off and DH is stepping up like he should have all along.

Going forward, I want to stop treating her like my own kid. She doesn't appreciate it and has even called me a bad mom (gee I wonder what that makes her real mom?). She steals from me constantly, even tried to wear my boots to school this morning when we aren't even on speaking terms. So I have a few questions about how the typical EOW step-mom handles her steps.

1) Do you take your step-children on vacation with you? If so, is it every vacation or just sometimes? Please also include how often you have your steps.

2) Do you buy things for your bios and not for steps? For example, if you buy your bio a toy, do you feel obligated to buy one for step, too?

3) When you cook supper for yourself and your bios, do you make sure there is some for steps, too or do you leave that to your spouse?

I have been s**t on over and over and over again and I refuse to live like that anymore. I deserve to be happy so I am working on making changes so that can happen. I just want to be careful that I don't do anything that makes me a complete step-monster. But I am afraid that taking care of myself and my kids will result in me looking like a step-monster (I don't care about that too badly...I would just feel better if what I do is considered the "norm" for SMs). I really don't want to include SD on our family vacations. Last year we went on vacation over my birthday and she was a complete brat...even on my birthday. She didn't tell me happy birthday and was an embarrassment when we went so see friends. I want to be able to relax on my vacations and spend time with my own kids without her trying to sabotage everything. Obviously treating this brat like my own for 7 years only made her resentful, so now I feel like treating her like a step-child...and I told her I would since I am such a "horrible mother" (her words).

P.S. "horrible mother" means I wouldn't let her wear make-up unless for special occasions, wouldn't let her wear a push up bra with boobs hanging out of her clothes, wouldn't let her be alone with boys (she has a history of being physical with them) and asked her to do chores like taking the trash out from time to time. I will be the EXACT same way with my BD...thought treating SD like my own was the best thing for our entire family...but it just let DH be lazy so SD thought I was a bully and he is a disney dad.