I too wondered about this, so i read her blog. Obviously I'm only speaking in speculation but from what I gathered she buzzed her DDs head bc DD likes to pull her hair our and looked like a mangey dog and told her if she didn't stop it shed chop it, and so she did.
Oh, dear, read more of your story.
You sound really angry toward your DD. Why? You're ready to fucking strangle her and she acts like a fucking retard. OMG, I cannot imagine speaking of my children like this. Something must be feeding this???
Anyone who pulls their hair out has problems... whether you think it's for attention or what. I just can't get over how ANGRY you sound at a ten year old. :? I know kids are frustrating. If you are angry, punishing out of anger, screaming, etc...is it possible that the anxiety she feels is stemming from that?
And you shaved a little girl's head?!?
I'd suggest a new therapist and possibly some classes for you so you can learn how to handle the challenges without "losing it."
Yes, it is my own DD, and yes, I'm angry. Frankly, I have every right to be, and yes, we *ARE* getting a new therapist. She knows how to behave, but since DH has deployed, she's started acting up. Actually, it started right before he left. I started taking her to therapy b/c a lot of major life events have occurred for her in a short period of time (brand new sister last june, move to a diff school district (ok, maybe only major to a 10 y.o., but she is, so I considered it), DH leaving for Afghan). She has been pulling her hair out among other things. There's also lying, stealing, blatant disrespect, refusing to do as she's told, constant arguing, a remission to bed wetting, etc. It's hard for me to put into words what's happening b/c *most* incidents are semi-minor (there have been some big ones, though) but they are *constant*.
Anyway, I took her to see a therapist b/c I felt these life events were causing her anxiety; I started seeing one myself b/c I thought it would help improve our overall relationship and I could understand better what was going on in her head and how to handle situations. Every 5 or 6 sessions, we have a combined session where we all four meet. What I have been told by this facility is that at 10 she should not have any "chores." If she wants to clean her room, great! If not, she can choose to live in a pig stye. She should not have any imposed consequences, they should all be natural. So, the natural consequence of not cleaning your room is that your friends don't want to come over and play with you. If you don't like this consequence, you then clean your room. At 10, she is too young to be expected to remember more than 3 things at a time, so anything I tell her or any list I need to give her should stop at 3; after she accomplishes those 3 things, then I give her the next 3. Further, the only homework she should be doing is exactly what comes home in her notebook, anything more (like writing her spelling words 10 times each - which I always thought was called studying) is too much. By having expectations, such as chores, studying, cleanliness, etc., I was putting too much pressure on her and causing anxiety.
Foolishly, I listened to these whack jobs and tried to implement those ideas in my home, and it has been a complete disaster. Every bad behavior has gotten worse, to include the hair pulling has gotten worse, and now she has their words to use as an excuse for it. To boot, she has also been hurting her little sister who is only now 9 mo.s old. She slams the baby's legs into the ground and is just generally rough with her. The baby was pretty sick not too long ago and had an ear infection amongst other things. The day after she finished amoxicillan for it, the 10 y.o. screamed directly into her ear. I was a good 3 or 4 feet away, and it hurt *my* ears. Of course it hurt the baby's ears, and then she started screaming/crying, too. It wasn't an "I was trying to walk and fell and bonked my noggin" cry, it was a "something is really wrong and seriously hurt me" cry. This isn't the first time she's intentionally hurt the baby until she's cried. As for my own anger at her, it has intensified by 100 in the past several months.
dtzblnd: You have tricare? Ask for another referral to a different doc. Find one that helps and doesnt enable
Thank you for getting it, and that's exactly it. She is being enabled as opposed to given tools how to help her cope. I even brought this up at our last group session, and was basically told I was wrong. She shouldn't have to learn to cope w/ her anxiety, I should just remove anything that causes anxiety from her. What. the. fuck. ever.
p.s. and yes, it is now about 1/2 in all over her head pixie style cut.
Just wondering...why is it that she at 10 should just "learn to cope with her anxiety" by not pulling her hair out, but "you" can't learn to cope with yours by "not cutting her hair all over just out of anger"? You need more help than this poor little girl.
Hahaha agreed!! But i do have to throw in my dime store psych eval too, my first thought when i read this was about PTSD as well. Maybe she is suffering from something more than just acting out and while I know you know your child better than any of us, maybe just writing it off as she's just doing it to do it isn't actually what's going on. Idk, and I'm certainly not passing judgment and I do not think you were wrong for cutting her hair, just passing on some information you may have not considered. Good luck.
In my 44 years I've heard very few moms speak about their children the way the OP spoke about her daugther in her other blog. There's no way you can view that as a sign of normal mother-daughter dynamics.
Mom and child are both hurting.
The counselor is a nut job. Thanks to her crazy advice the OP's poor daughter is getting worst instead of better.
I have
I agree with you. Mom is expecting WAY more from her DD than she herself is capable, or willing, to be.
I have raised 5 children past the age of ten. While my buttons have certainly been pushed, I can honestly say that I have never punished out of anger. I have never said such horrible, hateful things about my children as OP has.
To me, it just isn't normal.
It sounds like mom needs the tools to parent adequately, and her DD needs the tools to handle her like and her mother.
As far as the therapist goes, I don't necessarily agree with her. I do, however, think that if you have an emotionally disturbed child, that "keeping things simple" is the way to go. Three instructions at a time? Is it REALLY that hard for Mom to limit her instructions to 3 at a time?
I think OP is overwhelmed and underqualified to handle all of this right now. I really hope you're able to find a good therapist who can give you the tools you need.
I disagree. While saying the things she has about her DD may not be "normal", I know a lot of us on here that if our skids were acting the way her DD had been, we might be a little less apt to judge he feelings she's expressing. People come here to vent, and we're only getting a very small window into their real life. I don't know the ENTIRE back story on this as I've only read a blog or two but really, clearly everyone in this is struggling with a lot. Dads in AFG, new baby, and all the normal every day living with a 10 year old and life things going on. Why not instead of trying to focus on everything WE think the OP is doing wrong (and again be reminded were not in their shoes) why not do like a couple of the others have done and offer resources that they know are available to possibly help? I mean...obviously this woman is dealing with a lot, let's not make her feel even worse by telling her she's a POS. We're all just doing the best we can.
"Wow I am amazed at you guys,blaming the victim, and by victim I mean OP.
You really think a 10 yr. Old should have no chores and no expectations?? Sounds like the spoiled skids we talk about!!!"
Really?? That is what you got when you read this post? This is not about OP wanting this child to do chores and all of us think she shouldn't have to. There are some deep underlying issues here with both the child and OP. Children don't just act this way for no reason and mother's don't usually react with the deep seeded anger that OP has.
Further if OP wants the behavior corrected lashing out at the child and cutting off all of her hair could prove to only make things worse. Getting angry and lashing out is not going to produce the results that OP is looking for. She almost sounds proud of herself. Who does that?
Mmmmkay, when your therapist tells you that a 10 year old child should not have chores or study, it's time to find a new therapist, because this one is obviously a whackadoo.
I have a 10 year old he has 2+ chores to do everyday except his birthday and a clean room is expected not a chore, I will throw or give away his things if he won't take care of them. He is learning to cook and follow a recipe or verbal instructions and does just fine till about 3 or 4 steps ahead he will forget what he was told and have to ask but were talking cooking the food not things like step 1 get out a pan step 2 put food in pan step 3 turn on burner he knows that he knows by common sense to shut things off when he's done or how to take the garbage out, but mixing ingredients he may have to be reminded of a few steps if they aren't wrote down. cookings new to him beyond simple microwave meals instant items eggs etc. New lessons may take repeating steps but sounds like your DD is having issues with common sense things and the therapist is feeding this and her entitled bratty behavior. Yes for some kids with severe mental problem this therapists advice may work but it's like any form of medicine you may have to try several different things before you find what works, sometimes a smack to the butt is all it takes. I can imagine how stressed you are right now take a deep breath and get a new councilor!
Sorry, i didn't see your full reply. I suggest getting her fully evaluated. The hair pulling is probably more impulse than "bad behavior". Wetting the bed isn't "bad behavior" it's a sign of something noe severe. i agree with therapists about the room cleaning thing and the memory thing. But hurting the baby is not ok.
Huh?!? Did you buzz someone's
Huh?!?
Did you buzz someone's head?
I thought she meant it is a
I thought she meant it is a 1/2 long all over her head, not that she cut a 1/2 inch... ??
I too wondered about this, so
I too wondered about this, so i read her blog. Obviously I'm only speaking in speculation but from what I gathered she buzzed her DDs head bc DD likes to pull her hair our and looked like a mangey dog and told her if she didn't stop it shed chop it, and so she did.
Oh, dear, read more of your
Oh, dear, read more of your story.
You sound really angry toward your DD. Why? You're ready to fucking strangle her and she acts like a fucking retard. OMG, I cannot imagine speaking of my children like this. Something must be feeding this???
Anyone who pulls their hair out has problems... whether you think it's for attention or what. I just can't get over how ANGRY you sound at a ten year old. :? I know kids are frustrating. If you are angry, punishing out of anger, screaming, etc...is it possible that the anxiety she feels is stemming from that?
And you shaved a little girl's head?!?
I'd suggest a new therapist and possibly some classes for you so you can learn how to handle the challenges without "losing it."
Yes, it is my own DD, and
Yes, it is my own DD, and yes, I'm angry. Frankly, I have every right to be, and yes, we *ARE* getting a new therapist. She knows how to behave, but since DH has deployed, she's started acting up. Actually, it started right before he left. I started taking her to therapy b/c a lot of major life events have occurred for her in a short period of time (brand new sister last june, move to a diff school district (ok, maybe only major to a 10 y.o., but she is, so I considered it), DH leaving for Afghan). She has been pulling her hair out among other things. There's also lying, stealing, blatant disrespect, refusing to do as she's told, constant arguing, a remission to bed wetting, etc. It's hard for me to put into words what's happening b/c *most* incidents are semi-minor (there have been some big ones, though) but they are *constant*.
Anyway, I took her to see a therapist b/c I felt these life events were causing her anxiety; I started seeing one myself b/c I thought it would help improve our overall relationship and I could understand better what was going on in her head and how to handle situations. Every 5 or 6 sessions, we have a combined session where we all four meet. What I have been told by this facility is that at 10 she should not have any "chores." If she wants to clean her room, great! If not, she can choose to live in a pig stye. She should not have any imposed consequences, they should all be natural. So, the natural consequence of not cleaning your room is that your friends don't want to come over and play with you. If you don't like this consequence, you then clean your room. At 10, she is too young to be expected to remember more than 3 things at a time, so anything I tell her or any list I need to give her should stop at 3; after she accomplishes those 3 things, then I give her the next 3. Further, the only homework she should be doing is exactly what comes home in her notebook, anything more (like writing her spelling words 10 times each - which I always thought was called studying) is too much. By having expectations, such as chores, studying, cleanliness, etc., I was putting too much pressure on her and causing anxiety.
Foolishly, I listened to these whack jobs and tried to implement those ideas in my home, and it has been a complete disaster. Every bad behavior has gotten worse, to include the hair pulling has gotten worse, and now she has their words to use as an excuse for it. To boot, she has also been hurting her little sister who is only now 9 mo.s old. She slams the baby's legs into the ground and is just generally rough with her. The baby was pretty sick not too long ago and had an ear infection amongst other things. The day after she finished amoxicillan for it, the 10 y.o. screamed directly into her ear. I was a good 3 or 4 feet away, and it hurt *my* ears. Of course it hurt the baby's ears, and then she started screaming/crying, too. It wasn't an "I was trying to walk and fell and bonked my noggin" cry, it was a "something is really wrong and seriously hurt me" cry. This isn't the first time she's intentionally hurt the baby until she's cried. As for my own anger at her, it has intensified by 100 in the past several months.
dtzblnd: You have tricare? Ask for another referral to a different doc. Find one that helps and doesnt enable
Thank you for getting it, and that's exactly it. She is being enabled as opposed to given tools how to help her cope. I even brought this up at our last group session, and was basically told I was wrong. She shouldn't have to learn to cope w/ her anxiety, I should just remove anything that causes anxiety from her. What. the. fuck. ever.
p.s. and yes, it is now about 1/2 in all over her head pixie style cut.
Just wondering...why is it
Just wondering...why is it that she at 10 should just "learn to cope with her anxiety" by not pulling her hair out, but "you" can't learn to cope with yours by "not cutting her hair all over just out of anger"? You need more help than this poor little girl.
Wow I am amazed at you
Wow I am amazed at you guys,blaming the victim, and by victim I mean OP.
You really think a 10 yr. Old should have no chores and no expectations?? Sounds like the spoiled skids we talk about!!!
Op I see and I hope it gets better for YOU!! Hugs
Mom is an adult. If there
Mom is an adult. If there has to be a victim, I think it's the 10 year old child.
Hahaha agreed!! But i do have
Hahaha agreed!! But i do have to throw in my dime store psych eval too, my first thought when i read this was about PTSD as well. Maybe she is suffering from something more than just acting out and while I know you know your child better than any of us, maybe just writing it off as she's just doing it to do it isn't actually what's going on. Idk, and I'm certainly not passing judgment and I do not think you were wrong for cutting her hair, just passing on some information you may have not considered. Good luck.
There's nothing normal here.
There's nothing normal here.
In my 44 years I've heard very few moms speak about their children the way the OP spoke about her daugther in her other blog. There's no way you can view that as a sign of normal mother-daughter dynamics.
Mom and child are both hurting.
The counselor is a nut job. Thanks to her crazy advice the OP's poor daughter is getting worst instead of better.
I have
I agree with you. Mom is
I agree with you. Mom is expecting WAY more from her DD than she herself is capable, or willing, to be.
I have raised 5 children past the age of ten. While my buttons have certainly been pushed, I can honestly say that I have never punished out of anger. I have never said such horrible, hateful things about my children as OP has.
To me, it just isn't normal.
It sounds like mom needs the tools to parent adequately, and her DD needs the tools to handle her like and her mother.
As far as the therapist goes, I don't necessarily agree with her. I do, however, think that if you have an emotionally disturbed child, that "keeping things simple" is the way to go. Three instructions at a time? Is it REALLY that hard for Mom to limit her instructions to 3 at a time?
I think OP is overwhelmed and underqualified to handle all of this right now. I really hope you're able to find a good therapist who can give you the tools you need.
If you think this is bad now, wait til DD is 16.
I disagree. While saying the
I disagree. While saying the things she has about her DD may not be "normal", I know a lot of us on here that if our skids were acting the way her DD had been, we might be a little less apt to judge he feelings she's expressing. People come here to vent, and we're only getting a very small window into their real life. I don't know the ENTIRE back story on this as I've only read a blog or two but really, clearly everyone in this is struggling with a lot. Dads in AFG, new baby, and all the normal every day living with a 10 year old and life things going on. Why not instead of trying to focus on everything WE think the OP is doing wrong (and again be reminded were not in their shoes) why not do like a couple of the others have done and offer resources that they know are available to possibly help? I mean...obviously this woman is dealing with a lot, let's not make her feel even worse by telling her she's a POS. We're all just doing the best we can.
REALLY?
"Wow I am amazed at you guys,blaming the victim, and by victim I mean OP.
You really think a 10 yr. Old should have no chores and no expectations?? Sounds like the spoiled skids we talk about!!!"
Really?? That is what you got when you read this post? This is not about OP wanting this child to do chores and all of us think she shouldn't have to. There are some deep underlying issues here with both the child and OP. Children don't just act this way for no reason and mother's don't usually react with the deep seeded anger that OP has.
Further if OP wants the behavior corrected lashing out at the child and cutting off all of her hair could prove to only make things worse. Getting angry and lashing out is not going to produce the results that OP is looking for. She almost sounds proud of herself. Who does that?
Mmmmkay, when your therapist
Mmmmkay, when your therapist tells you that a 10 year old child should not have chores or study, it's time to find a new therapist, because this one is obviously a whackadoo.
I have a 10 year old he has
I have a 10 year old he has 2+ chores to do everyday except his birthday and a clean room is expected not a chore, I will throw or give away his things if he won't take care of them. He is learning to cook and follow a recipe or verbal instructions and does just fine till about 3 or 4 steps ahead he will forget what he was told and have to ask but were talking cooking the food not things like step 1 get out a pan step 2 put food in pan step 3 turn on burner he knows that he knows by common sense to shut things off when he's done or how to take the garbage out, but mixing ingredients he may have to be reminded of a few steps if they aren't wrote down. cookings new to him beyond simple microwave meals instant items eggs etc. New lessons may take repeating steps but sounds like your DD is having issues with common sense things and the therapist is feeding this and her entitled bratty behavior. Yes for some kids with severe mental problem this therapists advice may work but it's like any form of medicine you may have to try several different things before you find what works, sometimes a smack to the butt is all it takes. I can imagine how stressed you are right now take a deep breath and get a new councilor!
Honey, you need a
Sorry, i didn't see your full reply. I suggest getting her fully evaluated. The hair pulling is probably more impulse than "bad behavior". Wetting the bed isn't "bad behavior" it's a sign of something noe severe. i agree with therapists about the room cleaning thing and the memory thing. But hurting the baby is not ok.