I have never been in a forum before; therefore, please be pt with me. I really wish I knew this forum existed a few years ago - sounds like I am not alone in this crazy world of stepparenting. Here it goes:

I am 37y old, met my husband when I was 20. He had a daughter who was little over 1 and going thru chemotherapy for a cancer diagnosis. This litle girl stole my heart! Husband was never married to BM, therefore I am his first wife. He always has been an active part of SD life. Always paid childsupport on time and we or husbands family never turned down the opportunity to keep her. We had her ALOT and she was shuffled from person to person!!!! BM is a total deadbeat!! She married a man who at the time was an alcoholic/drug abuser. Was even caught shooting up with SD's syringes (cancer tx), this didn't cause them to break up. We wanted to attempt for custody back then, but in the state that we live it was not heard of that BM would lose a court battle. BM has two other children with her alcoholic/druggy husband. It was not unusual that when we picked up SD, that the phone was turned off or utilities off for unpaid bills. Husband paid alot in child "ransom" as we called it, and there was not reason for no utilities/phone. She lived in filth! Animal messes on the floor, dirty laundry everywhere. SD was always clean though and never went hungry - that is really the only thing I can say good. As SD got older, and she could see the difference between our home life and her home life, it really caused her confusion. Instead of wanting our life, she felt like her mother was a victim cause she didn't have what he had. I am not saying that we are rich, cause we aren't, we just have stability and are middle class. My husband being a policeman, and me an RN, we just don't live like that. We are professional people, and have morales & standards. But, this is how she perseeved life. Not fair - but ya know, both of us made sacrifices and put ourselves through school to better ourselves/family.

Her cancer has been in remission now for about 14 years. We all had our part and take responsibility for her being so spoiled. When you have a child with a possible terminal diagnosis, you tend to spoil them, cause you really don't know what will happen. I'm sure yall can understand. My husband would though take action when she got out of line, she was held to the same boundaries in our home as our other children. Together we have 1BB and 1BG. I really think she felt comfortable in our home, cause she didn't have to worry about grown-up things like utilities and money. I know that her mother poisened her thoughts against me, cause one time we were watching a disney movie and when the wicked stepmother was on the screen, she said that her mom told her that was me. GREAT!!! I thought.

Well moving on, when SD turned 13, and in middle school in an innercity school, she got with a boy. This boy's mother overdosed, didn't know his dad and lived with elderly grandparent. Has been known to use drugs and to be a bad influence. When we found out that mother was dropping her off at his house and was caught by elderly grandparents having sex, that was it!!! We threatned court and we finally had custody transferred to us. That is when our lives turned upside down!!!!!!!!

Since then because of the sneaking and lying, we had to tap our phones to make sure there was no contact with him, we even put spyware on the computer. We found out alot of information that we didn't need to know. This boy threatned to kill my husband and all of our family. He acted like a total thug and even talked like one. I was scared & nervous of the threats, but husband was not, he got really mad. We couldn't do anything because what we did to find out the information was not exactly legal, but you have to do what you have to do to keep your family safe (just my thoughts). It took SD until she was 16 to finally get this thug out of her system. By the way, did I mention that when she visited her mother, again she would allow contact. She acted like a friend not a mother. Only found out thru spying. Her mother would tell her to do things to try to get me into trouble. It never worked! I was always one step ahead of her.

Our relationship is very up and down, we get along fine and I would do anything for her, but she treats me like hell especially when she has been with her mother. She has done very well in school since she moved in with us (she was failing classes when she was with her mother). She says she tries hard to get good grades for her father. Why can't she do something for herself and not for someone else? We have high standards for our children and I think when you expect certain things, children will achieve. For example, college has never been an option, we expect all of our children to go and have never give them a choice, SD mother says college is a waiste of time. (ok, now I sure you are getting the picture)

I know this is long, hang in there with me, SD and I got into a huge fight one day and she told me that I wasn't her mother and that I needed to grow up. That was it I saw red and said things that I regret horribly - I told her that I was glad that I wasn't her fat-ass, loser mother that allowed her slut daughter to run her life. I know, I know that was wrong, but damn, we took her out of a bad situation and tried so hard to get her to adjust to ours and I felt so used. I am really suprised that I din't kill her, I was shaking and I knew if I touched her I would really hurt her. So, I didn't touch her. If that was one of my BK, I would have knocked them into "next week". I felt bad for our other two children, cause they didn't require so much attention and felt as if they were getting left behind. They also looked up to SD and I was very worried that they were going to copy her bad behavior. Our marriage was being stretched thin, because I wanted to give up and husband didn't. He didn't want to believe what was actually going on until he heard for himself and read emails. We went to counceling and got on the same page. Thank God, cause it was just wearing me down.

After the the huge fight, I heard her running to her father to "tell" on me and I interupted her and made her tell the truth. I told her if she was so miserable in our home she could just get out and go live with her mother. We have tried counceling, and antidepressants, but all that was turned around thanks to her mother. SD mother convinced her that she didn't need medication. Even though she would spend hours in her room alone and cry at the drop of a hat. BM knows best - I am a registered nurse, but she knows best - whatever!! Probably cause she didn't want to or couldn't afford to buy them.

So she moved out her senior year in high school. We didn't hear from her in months. Not a single word. Did I mention that when she lived with us her mother did not give us any money at all - none!!!! That really ticked me, because we never missed one ransom, husband didn't want to deal with it cause she didn't have any money anyway. Graduation came, and SD came over afterwards (first time we had seen her)and gave us a sad story about wanting to move back in with us cause her mother was stealing money out of her bank account for cigarrettes. My husband told me that it was up to me. How could I say no, I didn't want her to move back in but I felt so sorry for her. I told her that she could only if she told her mother the truth about why she wanted to move in with us. During this conversation her mother shows up in my driveway with garbage bags full of SD stuff. She had read an email that SD wrote that she was planning to move back to her father's. So, there you go, she's back with us my stipulations gone out the window!! Her and her mother made up of coarse, she is now back with us and her mother still doesn't know she is a piece. Husband tells me to let it go, but it really ticks me off. Now, she is in college on our dime, drives a used car that we bought and pay insurance on, eats our food, and gives me shit!! She's 18 years old, scared to make her own decisions, gets advise from her dumbass mother. I don't understand weak people or people who feel entitlement, maybe cause I have a strong personality and believe that if you want something bad enough you find a way to get it. When I was 18, I didn't want to live with my parents, I wanted to be independent, so I got a job and an apartment, went to the renting store and rented everthing to furnish it, of course I had 0 money and ate ramon noodles, but by gollie I was being independent. I even moved out of state to give life a whirl.

SD has no ambition, she has lost 2 jobs now, because of her mouth, telling her bosses they were stupid or whatever. She is never wrong!!!!!!!! She doesn't know how to get along with people. She doesn't have friends, because they are not allowed to have anyother friends besides her. I really thought my step job was going to be over when she turned 18. She has to be pushed to do anything. All I expect out of her is respect in order to live her. She has certain chores Clean bathroom and keep her room clean. She doesn't do any of them. Too much to ask? I think not. I am at my breaking point. Husband is behind me, but he doesn't want to "set her up for failure" and I don't either, but I think she need a healthy dose of reality.

This is what I hate about being a stepwitch:

1. Just the thought of my husband having a sexual contact with that fat whore. I blame him at times for alot of this! I know thats wrong, but I do think about it.
2. Hate when people tell me I knew what I was getting into, that is not the case, I was 20 yrs old at the time and too immature to know the ramifications of a child - to me at the time,she was a play toy.
3. Always being underminded by SD mother.
4. When people ask me how many children I have, I want to say only 2, but thats not right, so I say 3 and I feel like i'm lying.
5. Feeling this way!! I have a heart, I really do, but I just want her out of my hair. I have two other children who need my guidance, they get confused seeing how we can be taken advantage of. Know what I mean?
6. I feel guilty cause, I feel like I'm suppose to love her like my own. I really try, but I dont. At times I want to hold her and protect her, but other times, I want to through her to the wolves, cause I can't change her trashy ways.

DOES ANYONE GET ME? AM I JUST BEING SELFISH FOR WANTING A NORMAL LIFE. WHAT IS NORMAL? IS THERE SUCH A THING - OR JUST LEVELS OF DISFUNCTION?