i am being abused by my stepson and hate him for it, help!!
hi i know this is a long post, but i am desperate for help.
i am a 30 year old woman with 2 stepsons. they are 8 and 6. i married the man of my dreams 3 years ago, just after we got engage the boys mother stole them and disappered with them, it took us two years to find her. she had moved in with a sex offeneder she met online. both boys were horribly abused mentally, physically, and sexually. the 8 year old has had two surguries on his face to correct a crushed nasal stucture he was never treated for before. bio mom is being charged and has no contact with the boys. the 6 year old is very mildly autistic and has mild cerebal palsy. both boys have and do act out sexually and violently. the 6 year old injures him self olften. i totally understand and feel bad for both boys, we have gotten them both in 5 hours of therapy at home a week. as well as almost 2 hours of sexual abuse counseling out of home a week. they are both on medication.
but the 8 year old hates me!!! and i am starting to hate him!!! i cant stand to be around him for even a few min. i get along good with the six year old fine. he has his problems but he tries, and yes we have our days me and him, but we both try and it continues to get better. the 8 year old on the other hand tries so hard to be bad. he has come in my bed room and touched me sexually in my sleep before, so we put up alarms on both boys doors. has broken his brothers arm, forced him to eat dog poop, paper, batteries, dirt and so on. he has put salt and soap in the 6 year olds eyes, and hits him often. he forces his brother to do sexual things. he has hit me in the face, throws things at me, he hit me once with a metal pipe in the face, calls me names, is always direpectful to me, curses at me and calls me a w**re and a B***H. he destroys the walls and has detroyed my glasses, a dvd player, a sterio, dishes, and many more things. we have 3 dogs all of which he has hit or kicked. my littlest one he threw on the floor, she is 3 pounds!! he started to call me mom a few months ago, but has treated me worse since then. his dad wont even consider a out of home placement for him!! we fight all the time about him. he is destroying our marriage, he lies on me all the time, he lies about every thing. he never talks to me, he only screams at me. he never listens to either of us, he just does what he knows he is not supposed to do. he is mean, and hateful to every one but his therapist and his dad. sometimes he is disrepectful to dad and breaks his stuff but more often me and his brother.he hits me at least 3 times a week, and the dogs and brother about the same. dad says he wont let him feel abandoned by moving him to a theraputic foster home. dad lets him get away with lots of stuff just as long as he is not hitting any one, so that he wont get upset and hit us. he gets away with every thing and the 6 year old dosnt get away with nothing, because dad doesnt want him to get mad or cry.
i cant live like this i dont know what to do, he hates me, and is always mean to me. i try to be nice to him but he just keeps being mean to me. i spend all my time in my room now, i have a tv and my pc and my personal bathroom, i only come out of my room to eat. and when i am here during the day with the boys me and the six year old hang out in my room. i cant take him any where because we often get asked to leave because the 8 year old is so bad and he hits me in public too!! i dont want to hate him but i am starting to, i just dont know what to do!!! please help i am desperate, me and my husband get along perfect except when it come to the 8 year old. we can not agrees on any thing, i dont feel safe with him here and want him out of the home, nothing works with him. can any one help me deal with him. i always feel like i am defending my self to his therapist because he tells them i yell at him, and i do, but only out of desperation when he is being mean. i hate feeling like i am doing something wrong when i stay in my room 95% of the time, because the meer presence of me upsets him. i feel like a prisoner, and i am very alone. when dad is home he spends time with the boys and i am in here. i feel so much on the outside like i am not part of the family!!! can any one help!!! let me add that dispite all of this i am the one who cooks in the house if it were up to dad the boys would eat nothing eles but hotdogs and ramen, i make sure that when he is sick he gets meds, and i make sure that the appiontments with doctors and therapist are met and not double booked, i make sure that the school gives him his iep services, i deal with the teachers and therapist, i make his lunches for school, and get him in to sports and art stuff. even though he can only go about half the time cause he is so bad and the coaches always ask us not to bring him back. i am always the one how goes to bat for him when the gets in fights at school for being a bully. i am the one who got him in to a specialist for his face because he kept complaining of pian and not being able to braeth or sleep. i was the one who waited in the waiting room worring when he was in surery. i wash all his clothes and i am the one who notices when is clothes are getting to small and buys him more, he doesnt even thank me.
Does the therapist know that
Does the therapist know that the older boy is sexually molesting the younger boy? If she does she is duty bound to report it. Dad is facilitating his younger son's abuse and is just as culpable for letting it happen. If she doesn't know, there would be a good place to start. The boy would have to be removed from the home and separated from his victim.
It is so sad that these boys experienced what they have experienced in their short lives. However, it is imperitive that someone protect the younger boy. It stands to reason that you are the only one at this point that can do that. Tell the therapist. Get the ball rolling. You will be helping both boys heal in the end.
yes the therapist know,
yes the therapist know, thats why i have to keep the 6 year old with me all the time. the 8 year ild has been hospitalized in the psyc ward for it. it has only slowed is sexual side down and made is violence worse. thats why they are getting sexual abuse counseling for him on top of therapy.plus they cant force him out of the house unless the his younger brother tells something sexual that is recent and i keep him with me all the time now. i cant let him get abused agian, but if i did i could get the 8 year old out of the house, but he has already been through so much and he is just now starting to get better, i dont think that he could take another time. plus that wouldn't be right would it? to let the older one abuse the younger one agian, so that i could move him some where that is better? i wont do that, but i must admit that i have thought that.
Way too much for the step to
Way too much for the step to deal with! I am SO GLAD you are there to make the efforts you can, but this is way out of control dear. Thank God they are in therapy and I hope it can help some day soon!!!
Can you tell the 8 yr. old that if he cannot behave you will be forced to take him somewhere else to live? I understand he is hurting but he cannot continue to hurt all of you too!
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"What luck for rulers that men do not think."
Adolf Hitler (1889 - 1945)thats what i am saying i
thats what i am saying i dont feel like the therapist are doing any thing but feeling sorry for him, they keep talking about how he was abuse and how badly he was hurt. they keep talking about the reasons he is acting out like this and explaining. well i know all that it doesnt change things he is still hurting us. i feel for him but i dont know how much longer. it is so hard to love or care about some one when they are hurting you. understanding why he is this why and dad just tries to keep him from being violent, he getts away with every thing eles, because dad feels guilty that this stuff happened to his sons, and he keeps saying that he wont let him feel unloved or abandoned by moving him to a more appropriate home for kids like him. he has put him in the hospital before but he had to break his brothers arm, and the other time is when he hit me in the face i called the police. but other than extreme violence he wont allow him to be placed any where else. i understand that he loves them, but i dont know how much more i can take. he is the mane of my dreams and i dont want to leave him but i dont think i can live with the 8 year old much longer.
I was thinking along the
I was thinking along the lines of Most Evil. This kid needs full time supervision and psychiatric help. A counseling session isn't go to do it.
In my case a similar situation got so out of hand that we had to legally abandon the boy. We took him to the child welfare people and said he was out of control and told the whole story. We were threatened with prosecution but we said that would be better than having our lives and his siblings lives ruined.
Of course once they figured out that the kid had these major problems the threats went away. Perhaps you should do something similar.
I am so sorry this is
I am so sorry this is happening to you. I am having issues with sexual behavior from my SD but nothing like yours. Are the therapists state apponted or private? Can you talk to the DFACS? They should not let behavior like this continue especially since you have two little ones to think about. Nobody can be in their face 24/7 and all it takes is for you to divert your attention somewhere else for 5 minutes and he could cause permanent harm to the other kids or you. I can't believe your husband is letting this happen. Do you think you could ask him to move out with the 8 year old while the child is going through therapy? I wish there was something I could do. You will be in my prayers.
I am sorry this is happening
I am sorry this is happening to you. I had my step son go after me with a baseball bat when he was younger and no one believed me or stuck up for me. I will never get over how awful that felt and could not imagine if that was still going on. I just dont get any respect from my step son , and know he constantly make shit out of me beihind my back with his BM, friends and my inlaws and that hurts enough. I couldn't imagine going through what you are going through.
First you need to tell your
First you need to tell your DH he needs to step up or you are going to have a nervouse breakdown & then you will be forced to leave & not be there for them. You are trying, but can't take much more. DH needs to set boundaries for SS8 just like any normal boy. Not disciplining him is just saying that his behavior is ok & it's not. He will not get better.
DO NOT let SS8 call you Mom. His BM is the reason for all this. If he thinks of you as his Mom - he is going to think you are going to be like his BM. SS8 is pissed off at the world & doen't know how to talk about it & acts it out & i am sure he especially has no respect for women - especially a "mom". I feel he trusts you and that is why he acts out on you the most. You need to stand your ground. YOu can't hide from him - you need to get in his face. My BD was an emotional mess during my custody battle & it was hard dealing with her & finding a balance between - you need to respect me, but i am sad you are going thru this. From my own personal experience & what worked for me - i can only suggest. SOme may sound harsh, but it worked. So here it goes ... my BD would try to his me in the face. If i caught it before contact i would hold her wrist & smack her hand & be very stern & tell her to never hit me & say if she did - there would be a consequence such as taking her fav toy away for how ever many days she is old. One time she did punch me in the mouth right after my dentist appt & I popped her back (not very hard) and she never hit me again. I know hitting back isn't right, but sometimes it works. Sometimes when BD would act out i would lay her to the ground, sit on her & hold her arms down & beg her to tell me what she needed, and that i am sad & am there for her - she would calm down, we would talk & would feel better.
Your SS8 needs to hear that you are not like his mother & would never let those awful things happen to him & that you love him. You are there to help him in any way you can. What does he need from you? You know he is pissed off at the world, but don't take it out on you because then you can't help him. This is where holding him down may help because you HAVE his attention, your not hurting him & you may get a good response because he is not controlling you - he is vulenarable. Tell him how you feel & what you want & what you want for him.
I wish you the best of luck, but you need to gain cointrol of all this or you are going to go crazy ;-]
Wow, that is quite a story. I
Wow, that is quite a story. I can only see that inpatient treatment or a home is the way to go.
Otherwise, you may want to consider moving out for a while. Its not worth your health and this will certainly make you physically ill.
You only mentioned the boys
You only mentioned the boys are in counseling. It sounds like you and your husband needs it too. I would also suggest finding a board of parents that are dealing with your same kind of issues. Is there a support group in your town thru a hospial- ask their couselor. That person needs to know that this boys safety ne is crumbling.
Thank god you found them before more things could happen. I think my suggestion would be to stay focused on getting the treatment for them and counseling (couple) for you and DH. Some people should not walk on this earth_ the BM and molester is one of them