Hypothetically conversations….
It's been a while since I posted here but I need to get this off my chest. My marriage is rocky and has been for a long time. We fight a lot over the kids, money, sex and time. Over the years we not only had fights about SD but we have split up over it. My husband has a really good time making me feel guilty for wanting my needs met but was always given the " you knew what you were getting into. We had two children together one is autistic. My husband has always treated the kids differently very strict with our two but if I even look at my stepdaughter funny or tell her anything if she did something wrong. He screams at me, packs his bags to leave and tells me he wants a divorce. I have lowered myself and apologized to her even when I felt I did nothing wrong. That is just some of it.
H this morning was telling BM wants to move to another state in a few years to give them a better life. I see nothing wrong with this as she will be an adult but SD doesn't want to leave. My husband sees the as an opportunity to become a vulture and swoop in and have SD live with us.
He's talking about taking out a huge loan to extend the house she she can live with. Then he said "we have more stability then BM" I laughed because if you call a husband who threatens divorce every 3 months stable then he's got a screw loose. I'm not kidding if he goes 2 weeks without having sex he threatens divorce, if we have an argument about money he blames me as if it's my fault we're broke then tells me he made a mistake having kids together. My 5 year old daughter daughter heard this and got really upset. When SD comes over we have to pretend to be a happy family meanwhile my skin is crawling. He has called our autistic son a waste of life. Now I completely understand if some of you would ask "why haven't you left" and you would be right to ask but I'm going to be honest I don't want to take out a second mortgage that's going to put us into more debt to make his adult daughter comfortable when we have a bad marriage to begin with. I honestly think she's better off with BM. BM might not be as financially stable but she can provide a better environment. Plus I'll be completely honest if she did move in with us and decided a year later she didn't want to live in our chaotic home chances are my H would blame me like he always has. Tell me I'm a horrible human being (which he has before) and that I chased her away. I hope you guys won't judge I'm just looking for support.
There is no way I would
There is no way I would extend myself financially and go through renovations for an adult kid who could decide to leave at any point. Plus if she is there full time do you have to pretend the whole time that everything is fine and play happy familes with your a-hole husband?
This guy is not worth your energy, but it seems you want to stay with him? Have you two considered or tried therapy? That is pretty much the only thing that might help improve things. Does he want to improve your relationship or does he deludedly think that everything is ok?
Yes I would have to walk
Yes I would have to walk around like Mary poppins when honestly I'm extremely stressed out. We have tried couples counseling and he never listens. We tried it recently he would up lying to the therapist about something important and then told her he only married me because I was pregnant. That night was the first night or two month long anxiety attacks and not sleeping. I had to go meds to calm my anxiety at night. I immediately stopped therapy. He hasn't packed his bags and left in a while but it was 3 months were he had said " I want to end this dysfunctional marriage" Then a month ago we were fighting about money because there's debt, my son has issues and I can't work right now. He told me our kids were a mistake and he should have just stuck with one he had already had. I don't want this. I don't want more debt hanging over my head, this not what I want to be doing. Having to work 50 hours a week and not be there for the children that need me because we need to make his daughter feel comfortable. This is what it's always been about. Her feeling comfortable.
I don't think I have it in me to have to walk around pretending everything is peachy just she can live with us. In fact if he did put the extension on the house I'll go live in the extension that way they can be together whenever they want and I'll just do what I want to do.
You husband is emotionally
You husband is emotionally abusive and you need to leave him. Short term it maybe hard, but you and your children will be way better off without him.
I know the type. He sounds
I know the type. He sounds like a raging narcissistic. He will likely fight for primary custody of your BK's. Be prepared for the battle of a lifetime if/when you leave and get yourself the best lawyer you can find. There are online support groups for Mom's like you. I would recommend you research and learn how to set up a safety plan before you leave. Start squirreling away money.
If you won't leave for yourself, do so for your children.
If you won't leave for yourself, do so for your children. If your son already doesn't know how his dad feels about him, he will soon figure it out. No child should have to live with a parent who thinks he is "a waste of life" and a "mistake."
You are not a horrible human
You are not a horrible human being.
The good news is that he cannot take out a second on the home without your agreement. Don't agree.
You really do have to go. Take your own children and leave. Hopefully you are in a community property state and with the extenuating circumstances of the repeated threats, hopefully you have records of this crap, and both a young minor child and a special needs child you will own his ass for decades.
Do not sacrifice yourself and your children as martyrs on the alter of this dickhead and his prior failed family progeny.
Free yourself from this man!
Free yourself from this man! See about getting supervised visits set up for him to see yall's kids. I cannot imagine staying in a situation like this, but I'd also be scared that when you leave he'll turn his toxic behavior towards the childrenñ and especially with your child with autism, that would be extension detrimental to their well-being
1. you are not terrible or
1. you are not terrible or horrible or whatever he spews your way during his mantrums.
2. if you won't consider an exit plan for you, think of your children. Trust me, when you grow up being told you're worthless or that a parent regrets you it makes for a pretty farked up early adulthood, selfesteem issues and it scars you for adult relationships.
3. He can get a two bedroom apartment for him and his special girl.
4. please put your kids first. he never will so you have to. they do not deserve this, you do not deserve this.
Consider individual therapy
Consider individual therapy for yourself. Your husband is emotionally abusive to you and to your children. A good therapist can help you sort through this, set boundaries for yourself, and help with an exit plan if that's what you decide to do. It will take some time, but you will
Realize that you are showing your kids what marriage looks like. This isn't the life you want for them.
Yesterday was the
Yesterday was the hypothetical conversation about SD moving in at 18. My son was diagnosed with covid on Saturday and is not showing severe symptoms this morning my son had to poop at an inconvenient time. He needed help wiping. H came in the kitchen where I was and said he needed to be put in a home. I told him he can leave. Then he told me "you're digging your own grave" which I then said "I'm already in my grave" then he left called me an hour later to threaten me again by saying "you tell me to leave, don't tempt me". I got off the phone real quick because right there another divorce threat. I'm not having anymore hypothetical conversations about his daughter moving in. I'm not trading my child for his. He can go find another place to live with his daughter if that's what he wants.
Your son should be in a home?
Your son should be in a home?! That makes me so ANGRY. How DARE he?! Who TF does he think he is?!
Have a a locksmith on speed
Have a a locksmith on speed dial so that the next time he throws a hissy fit and packs his bags, you can change the locks faster than he can drive away. Bastard that he is.
PLEASE
PLEASE say you are getting out of this abuse. My heart breaks for you and your bio. Kick his ass to the curb. He can ride off in the sunset with his precious baby girl.
OMG. Do not wait another second.
Call the most agressive divorce attorney in yor ,marlket, set up consults with the top 10 to take them off of the table for your STBXH and end this shit show for yourself and your children.
Do not wait. ACT NOW!
My heart breaks for you. It
My heart breaks for you. It sounds like your husband puts his BD ahead of you and your kids. In a way, your husband reminds me of mine. If my husband thinks I have slighted his son in the least, he threatens to leave. I'm not sure of your financial situation, but it would be good for you to move out and live your own life. You will be happier. I am in the process of leaving my husband and his unemployed 21 yo son and I already feel somewhat relieved. My husband does the same thing, puts his son first and whatever his son wants, he gets, no matter how inconvenient it is for me or our marriage. I have a feeling if my husband and I had had children of our own, he would put his son ahead of our children. Also, if your SD is an adult, she needs to get out on her own. Once she moves in with you, she may never leave especially if your husband babies her. I hope you can work something out. You deserve better!
I can no longer handle it. I
I can no longer handle it. I had a friend tell me today that they are a package deal and he's always going to want her. Yea that's great and all but for me I don't want to sacrifice anything else for a husband that controls me by threatening divorce constantly is only concerned about his daughters feelings and future and so no problem carting our son off to a facility just to make his life and his precious daughters life easier. He can take his package deal move somewhere else and pay me out of his ass. I'm done walking on eggshells and having to worry about everything I say to her... and a little info. My SD who is almost 13 takes off her dirty clothes and puts them back in her drawer with her clean clothes when I've told her several times to put them in the hamper. My AUTISTIC son before a bath takes off his clothes and put them in the hamper so I see no need for him to go to a home. H can go live with someone else if he keeps talking about putting my son in a home.
Consult a lawyer
see my previous comment. If you divorce him he will be paying you spousal support as well as child support.
Leave him to his mini-wife. They deserve each other.
Wow. I thought I had read
Wow. I thought I had read some pretty bad stories on here, but this really tops them.
I just want to list some of what I got out of your post:
1. First and foremost, your husband is a f#*king asshole. Period.
2. He is emotionally abusive, and cruel to you and your bios together
3. I bet you he is psychologically forcing you into having sex with him.
4. He is sickeningly enmeshed with his daughter (your SD)
That's just a few initial thoughts....
Well the truth is he's pretty
Well the truth is he's pretty much guilted me into everything. He made me believe I was a bad person for a long time for not treating his daughter better then everyone in my house, not being ok with coming in last all the time, not giving him enough sex, and not being able to make enough money to keep help him stay in his comfort zone.
He wants too much and I can no longer do it for him. Hypothetical conversations about something that isn't going to happen for another 4 or 5 years and may not even happen because BM could change her mind. I'm not discussing it any further with him. Especially considering every day he's giving me some kind of ultimatum or threat I don't see him lasting more than 6 months before he has a hissy fit and walks out. This time I need to be strong and let him.
To be honest he gave me an ultimatum from the beginning and I should have walked away. I didn't and that's my fault but I never in a million years thought he'd be this way with his son.
He told me his daughter would always come first, she is his little princess and always will be, he then said if I ever made him choose he'd choose her.
My son needs therapy, he needs services and medication as per his doctor. This doctor never once mentioned throwing my son in a home. I not listening to a man who clearly has problems and can't be bothered to help his son who needs it. I know I'm paying for the poor choices I made. The minute he gave me an ultimatum regarding his queen I should have walked away. I was stupid, I was blinded by emotion and I thought he was just trying to be a good father. I made a fatal mistake and now I'm suffering the consequences.
I will not compromise my children or my finances or make anymore unnecessary compromises and sacrifices for the two of them. This is it. He can leave. I will not put my son in a home and I wil not cause myself anymore grief appeasing him and his princess.
Yes, you need to be strong,
Yes, you need to be strong, and stay strong to face what's ahead. Don't waver. Keep your eye firmly on the future.
Yes it will be tough initially, but your life, and your children's, will be so much the better.
Do you have access to a women's shelter or support group? I can't stress enough that your H is an abusive asshole, cruel, neglectful, and a bully.
UGH.
Holy
My goodness! I am so sorry that you're going through all of this. I was in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship for 8 years and I thank god everyday that I did not marry him or have children with him. He was the absolute worst. Calling me psycho in front of my DD13, who was obviously younger at the time, punching holes in walls when he didn't get his way, forcing sex on me when I was no longer attracted to him because of how he treated me, he would threaten to kill himself and to report me but not helping him to my job, since I worked in a mental health facility, just to get me fired for not giving into his crazy antics. He lied constantly, cheated constantly, and was very verbally abusive, he would even do so in front of our mutual friends. I felt like there was no way out because my daughter considered him a father and was happy most of those 8 years until the last two years. She became depressed, would shut down if anyone would talk to her, so I put her in therapy and it helped a little but she was still falling behind in school. I put myself in therapy and am still going to this day. My therapist was the one who guided me and helped me leave the situation. I wound up moving in with my little cousin who is now an adult, but I didn't want my child to witness that and grow up thinking that is how a man should treat their wife.
My heart hurts for you and your children and I hope to god that you can get out of there asap. The family member that you spoke of that lives 40 minutes away, any possible way that you can stay with him or her until you can get a place of your own? Please keep us updated on this. I really hope that you and your kids can get out of there sooner rather than later. My advice would for you not to wait for him to leave, because even though he threatens you with divorce, he's still going to keep you hanging on that string until there's nothing left of you.