Husband treats his 8 year old son like a baby
First off, I want to say that my ss has had it kind of rough from his mother. She's been married and divorced 3 times since he was a year old and has had many boyfriends in and out of his life. She is an alcoholic and actually gave up custody of her son (and two other children who are not my husbands) a couple of years ago so she could go party and work on her social life. I understand that my husband feels bad for him and wants to give him extra love, but he is turning his son into a pansy!
He cuddles him and talks to him like a toddler. He even allowed his son to sleep with us until I put my foot down about 6 months ago. He calls my husband "Dada". There's tons of other things they do that makes absolutely no sense.
When we play catch he runs from the ball because he's afraid of getting a "bobo". He has urinated and defecated in his pants repeatedly. Anytime he gets in fights with his younger sisters he cries like a baby. When I tell him no he throws himself on the ground and kicks his arms and legs while screaming at the top of his lungs. He's constantly getting in trouble at school. He's 8 and his teachers have told me that he has the emotional maturity of a 4 year old. It's all because how his father treats him.
I have been with my husband for 7 years. I have watched his son grow and I care about this kid a whole lot. Something is definitely wrong. I don't know if it's with my husband or with my stepson. When I talk to my hubby about it, he gets angry and tells me that I am jealous of all the attention he lavishes on his son. That's not it at all. I want him to grow up to be a good strong man, just like I would if he were my birth son. I really feel that my husband is damaging him. I have tried over the years to help the kid, but it seems to only get worse.
Whew... this is a doozy....
I think it's time for thearpy...
It also sounds like your DH has a guilt complex about what happened between him and his mother or what his mother has put this child though. Sad as this may be to hear, but there may have been some unresolved issues there or still there.
It's also obvious that he doesn't want him to grow up, is it because he's scared? Scared of losing his affection or attention? I don't know, but just wondering if this could be a reason.
My SS was awfully immature in the beginning of our relationship, and it had alot to do with the interactions between DH and BM, unfortunately. He also was the only boy at the time, and didn't have any interactions with any other boys his age, so naturally, his mother coddled him- her baaaabbyyyyy. That was her total focus. And I think that SS used it to his advantage to reap in the attention that he was so used to getting.
I think that one thing that might help is getting this child greatly involved around kids his own age- particularly boys. That's one thing. I also think that perhaps it's time to NOT react to his tactics at all, but literally ignore him when he's throwing a tantrum, and if he messes his pants, well seriously what is the worse thing that's going to happen to him if he has to walk around in that? It's all an attention getter.
The other thing that I suggest is go to the libray, or book store and leave some parenting books around! lol... geesh. Or, get a suscription to Parenting or something like that for your DH... leave them in the bathroom for good 'reading' time! lol. (Take everything else out!)
As a bio mom and step mom,
As a bio mom and step mom, one of the hardest things for a parent to admit to is an inadquencay in their own child, and believe me his father sees this, he doesn't want to see it. As a parent our children are society's way of seeing our accomplishments. AND what I mean by that is I might now know how you are as an employee if I do not work with you, I might now know how you are financially if I don't see your financial analysis, I probably don't know how you are as a housekeeper if I never come to your house, but I can see how you are as a parent by looking at your offspring. Not knowing when your husband received custody of his son, I would probably guess it was during his 3-4 years of age time frame. My step-son is diagnosed with many emotional and psychological deficiencies. When I first met my husband he sheltered my step son and in my opinion handled him with baby gloves. I was actually harder on my two daughters than my husband was with his son, meaning if they fell I didn't go running to them. I would wait to see first that they got up and a lot of the times as parents know, if you don't make a big deal out of it, then they won't. My step son at first wasn't allowed outside, because of Allergies, couldn't play sports because of Asthma, wasn't disciplined the same because of his Autism, I mean it was so much. My belief, and my husband slowly took on my same role on parenting, is I WILL NEVER set a child's limitations when I am not that person. I will never say what anyone can and cannot do. Maybe that's my teachers mentality or it just might be how I parent. Due to my step-sons Autism, he is very systematic, this is actually a GREAT trait which my husband soon saw. If I taught my step son a method of making his bed, doing his chores, getting dressed, he did it absolutely the same everyday. (You couldn't ask for this in a non Autistic child) My husband saw that my step-son was capable of doing a Whole lot more than he ever knew he could or was capable of because BIO-MOM always said he can't. I was shocked that no one ever made him go outside, why is he on 5 different allergy medicines if he is just going to stay inside people? I really thought all of them were crazy, why are you medicating him to have him inside. Ok if he starts wheezing we go back in and he does a breathing treatment, this is really all ok. Once my husband saw that my step son would not drop DEAD if the sun touched his skin, he was just shocked. It's going to be you that is going to have to be the stronger parent, and if son says DaDa correct him and say "Do you mean Daddy, Dad, whatever you would prefer" when he has accidents, don't humiliate him but definately have him take responsiblity, by assisting with the clean-up, changing sheets, changing clothes etc. If you all are jumping in doing everything that is what is enabling him to be a Baby longer. Dad will soon follow suit and maybe begin to realize that having a son who has maybe emotional needs is not a punishment to him.
"Be there for the joy. Be there for the tears. Be there for each other."
(Step-Mom the Movie 1998)
I was in a similar situation
about a year ago. SS was just a bit younger, but very similar situation. It literally pissed me off after a while. He would use the bathroom in his pants and his dad would clean it up, not a word said about it. Like everyday. I would literally watch him walk around holding it in until he just couldn't wait any longer and dad was right there to clean it up. He too was still sneaking into our bed each night, didn't brush his own teeth, dress himself, wash--nothing. This kid was literally treated just as you say like a baby.
I would bring it up and dad would just get defensive-- understandable to some degree because as most parents no one likes to hear something negative about their pride and joy. So finally I aproached it another way and the situation improved dramatically.
I started by simply giving SS little things to try on his own. Putting away clean laundry, cleaning up his toys(if he didn't into a trash bag they went), and when I would be home with the kids by myself I refused to do the things dad normally would. I refused wipe his behind, or brush his teeth, or put his P.J's on- he had to do it himself. I worked hard to get my children to be responsible and do for themselves when they can and I refused to treat SS otherwise. I broke the habit of him useing the bathroom in his pants by making him clean himself up. He cried the entire time, but he never did it again to me or his dad. When dad would come home I would tell him with pride in my voice just what his baby had done on his own. He too would then praise SS for a job well done and SS would take pride in showing off his work to dad.
AFter a while dad started seeing what his baby was capable of and started expecting more from him. I just started doing it and SS started realizing he enjoyed being a big kid. Now sometimes he refuses help when he really needs it just because he wants to do it on his own.