Husband always ignored my son
This is more like a relationship between my husband question, but still relevant to step kids. I have been married to my husband for 13 years. When I married him, my son was 10 (from a previous marriage). My husband has 2 kids from a previous marriage also. (At the time they were very little, girl 1 years old, boy 3 years old). My husband moved from out of state to be with me (8 hours away by car) and left his kids behind to live with their mom. Well, for the longest time, he showed little interest in communicating with my son. He never talked to him, never took him anywhere or made any attempt to have any kind of relationship with him at all. He also only saw his own kids about once a year in the summer for a few days, so didn't have much of a relationship with them either. He's a pretty quiet guy and if you don't approach him, he won't make the first move in a conversation, so I just chalked it up to he's just quiet and that's why he never spoke to my son. The years went on, my son and he still don't talk to each other even though we all live in the same house. My son is now 23 still living with me, and doesn't say one word to my husband still and vice versa. I mean nothing. Not even hi, or pass the salt, or NOTHING. Now recently, I'd say within the last 2 years, my husband and his biological son have re-connected and constantly text/call each other daily, and he now makes more of an effort to visit his bio kids. Why does this make me cringe and feel hurt? Instead of being happy they are re-connecting and BFF's, I am deeply hurt that he always ignored my son over the years and still does, to the point of I'm contemplating divorce. I don't know what to do about this problem. Is this a good reason to leave him? I try to be positive and just overlook it, but when I hear him and his bio son chatting away, I get angry, and I don't like this feeling because it's not right. I talked to him about it and he just said he never talked to my son because my son is hard to approach sometimes (cmon, the kid was 10 when I married him, it's a kid, be an adult and at least try). I'm not asking him to love him, just to at least be a friend. That's all I asked. Instead he made zero effort and was detached. Any advice? Comments? Thanks in advance.
I think that it is important
I think that it is important to make some effort in that area. And I find it very sad that he hasn't at least tried to have conversations or do anything. Why you cringe and feel hurt is because he obviously makes an effort with his own. He should at least be pleasant and polite ... Do the odd thing together. Have some conversations. To do nothing at all is odd.
He made the choice to move to
He made the choice to move to be with you and rarely see his kids, so that's on him. But, it may be that living with a stepchild and not his own kids made looking at your son a constant reminder that he left his kids. Again, not your fault and not your son's fault. He is actually now doing what he should do as a father, but for years his son got neglected. Is he a good husband to you? If so, focus on that. He has always been an uninvolved stepfather and was a bad father for (13?) years. He hasn't worsened as a stepfather, he has gotten better as a father. Idk if he has been oaying child support all these years, but i'm guessing he paid into your joint living expenses? If he paid more than 1/3, he helped support your son. If he has been polite and respectful to your son on top of that, he hasn't done anything wrong to you. Also, your son is 23. Is he in school or working? Is he on track to become an independent adult? If not, that may be upsetting your DH.
13 years of no effort may be
13 years of no effort may be a forelorn hope at this point. Sunk time that you nor anyone else will get back.
I doubt there is much chance of your DH and DS ever really bonding at any notable level at this point.
As for DH and his burgeoning relationship with his DS. Are you interested in an expanding place of your DH's failed family issues in your life?
In the interest of keeping it simple, this is a yes or no question. If yes, then start figuring out your boundaries. If no, then start your exit plan.
Good luck.
All IMHO of course.
How does your son feel about it?
How does your son feel about it? At 23, does he have any plans to move out and start his own life? How does your husband feel about your son still living with you? I this is the only issue in your marriage, it seems like you could figure it out in some way rather than divorce. Hopefully, you son will move out on his own and then it won't be something that you are aware of everyday.
Did you married your DH
Because you loved him. Or wanted a father for your son ? Are you guilty that your son bio father is not in the picture ? Or is he ? It's a little late 13 years late to do this. Your DS and DH co-exist somehow. In 13 years you didn't do family vacations ? Family trips. His relationship with his bio is on him. You went along with all of this for 13 years now you don't like it ?
Unfortunately... the time to
Unfortunately... the time to insist on them having more of a relationship has likely long passed. You stayed with him despite his ignoring your son.. and you allowed it to be reciprocal... At this point.. the groundwork is well layed