How wuld you handle this.....
We are having big big problems at home with my 3 SD's (13,11,9).
They row, argue and bicker with each other 24/7 and unfortunately they also talk to my partner, their BM, in the most disgusting, rude, disrespectful way, especially the oldest one (13) and I can't just sit there and hear those things going on and hear them talking to Wendy in the way they do so I step in. Of course this then ends up in massive, massive rows coz I am not their dad blah blah blah.
We tell them that I don't have to be their dad and they should respect me and Wendy, firstly as adults, and then as poeple who look after them, especially as they are living in my home etc etc.
The eldest seems to have a big problem and can't quite grasp the fact that whilst she is living in my home then she has to resepct what I say and any decisions that I make that affect her inside of my house she has to put up with it.
Unfortunately its starting to affect mine + Wendy's relationship and we are also worried that Josh (the just turned 3 yr old that we have between us) is being affected by all the rows and arguments.
I guess this is normal stuff that goes on with 3 girls in a Step Family house but I can tell you its not fun? It doesn't help that their dad gives us no help or back up.
One of the biggest gripe I have is when I hear 'well if you + mummy won't let me do this or won't pay for that or even if you do cancel our holiday because we are being so naughty then I will just get my Daddy to pay for it or take us on holiday blah blah blah''.
How would you handle this situation, we have tried all the privelige things but it doesn't work. I am worried that it will aggect my relationship with Wendy and we will split up.
On board
She is on board that they have to respect both of us, not just her, in our house.
When it turns into rows because I have stepped in to back Wendy up she always backs me up after. We BOTH need to be respected.
I guess the real problem is the fact that they just don't get on and row with each other constantly over the smallest thing. And they expect Wendy to sort it out all the time, which is when the rows atrt and the disgusting back chat begins
It's good that you always back each other up
That is absolutely key. You need to put the marriage as the priority and present a united front.
If they bicker and fight with one another, well, there's a simple solution to that: sit them all down together and tell them that from now on, every time they start to fight, you will give them one warning to stop, and if ONE MORE WORD is said, you will put them in their separate rooms for a predetermined amount of time (20 mn, say). Then, when it happens, calmly (CALMLY!!!) keep your word and do it.
Calm and assertive is the key. Don't let them see you riled up. They want a rise out of you; don't give it to them. Show them that the only people that are hurt by their arguing is them.
And you and your wife should sit down and determine a set time every day or two to have "you time." No talk about the kids, no stress about the outside stuff, just time to sit down alone, hug one another and cuddle.
If you're worried you'll break up over this, it's important to insulate your relationship from the stress. These two measures will help you do that.
As far as the "if you don't give it to me, Daddy will", well, again, the trick is not to let them see you get riled by that. You'll have to find an age-appropriate response to that, that doesn't belittle the dad in front of them. Perhaps you could say, "If your father chooses to reward this behavior, that's fine, but we will not."
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
3 Girls
Thanks for your help everyone
I just can't imagine telling and more to the point getting girls aged 13,11 and 9 to stand with their nose in a corner or write lines. If they were 3, 5 and 7 then yes but are they not a bit too old for that type of treatment ?
We do send them to their rooms but ost of the time it tends only to be 1 of the 3 because generally one is the instigator of it all. Maybe we should tell them that no matter who starts any row ALL of them will have to go to their rooms ?