How it Feels

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I have been trying to put my finger on a few things having SS16 living with us full time (my kids are raised-I do have an adult son working (paying room and board) and finishing school-but he is hardly home.

I knew DH (we have been together going on 4 years -married for the past 7 months)had a son but we lived the EOW style and I got used to that-THEN life blew apart when Bio-Mom's world blew up and we got SS full time-that's when things got harder.

SS was raised as many children on this forum -entitled, only child, guilt parented by both parents since age 4. He is not a bad teen in the realm of things-I know how hairy it can get having raised two rambuctious boys by myself for the most part.

I still feel "dumped upon"-when DH really had no choice-either take him full time or he goes into foster care (Mother was briefly hospitalized by this point)-my natural instinct is to say -take the kid-

Which is what we did -then reality set in and we have a 6 foot 1 hairy teenster-who all at once acts like an immature baby and then thinks he has the same priveleges as the adults in the house and no boundaries either.

His Father is completely GaGa over this young man and worships the ground he walks on-while I:

1. Listen to him take 30 minutes to make a cup of tea in the morning and loudly slurp it down- Horking and snarfing his allergies in instead of blowing out in a kleenex-what a combo-while DH reads the paper like this cacophoney of bodily fluid noises is not happening!

2. Listen to him blast us out of the house with sub woofers playing X-box and guitar hero 24/7

3. Kid contributes didley squat to the household-I see 200.00 plus groceries per week go in his stomach and out the other end while he sleeps and videos EVERY weekend away. (on the bright side he is toilet trained)

4. We do not get a break from this (barely) walking videophile-HE IS ALWAYS AT HOME-(we have tried everything to get him involved in life to no avail)-IF his father gets a forklift out and scoops him up he will visit his Mother when I finally blow a gasket to get a short break.

5. At 16-is in no hurry to get a job-DH is in no hurry either as "poor pookey" will be working all his life so what's the rush?

6. This teen will not shower, go to bed, get up, without DH prodding him.

7. I am only allowed to "suggest" parenting techniques -as SS is already perfect in Daddy's eyes-Daddy likes to "Ask SS if he would like to go to bed, shower, get up" This particulary irks me -so I have to plug my ears and go La La La around the house while question period goes on "Zippy would you like to take a shower, go to bed , get up for school now?" (While Zippy roles his bored eyes and sarcastically says "No" to his Father, and smirks at me behind his back -Dad thinks this is cute rebellious teen behavior ) :sick:

8. Watch SS play his father like a fiddle and Dad happily dances to any tune SS plays-no matter what it means to anyone else in the house including DH (Zippy doesn't ask for much you know.)

9. Watch SS play dumb and helpless and Daddy believes EVERYTHING out of this boy's mouth.

10. Watch dishes, wrappers, half empty pops and water bottles pile up-then ask DH to pick them up (and he happily does)

This is a bad movie and the acting sucks!

Why is it like having a lazy obnoxious border around 24/7 to me? I literally have to "fake it till I make it" through the day. I am counting the days until he is 18 (what difference that will make I have no idea)-I feel bad as DH loves this kid with all his heart, mind and soul and no matter how I try -the very air SS takes up drives me bananas.

DH does everything for SS so I don't have to put up with that (Thank goodness)-but it is hard to watch day in day out and living with it is more than I can do some days....

I have disengaged from being involved with DH's parenting style as we have agreed to dissagree (kid stays out of trouble at school and passes his grades-this apparently is all you need to do to have Dad's total admiration-bathing and getting involved in life outside the basement is not a prerequisite) and we are polite to each other but sometimes you just need to clear the air!

I am grateful for this site that is for sure

This is how I feel also...

"I feel bad as DH loves this kid with all his heart, mind and soul and no matter how I try -the very air SS takes up drives me bananas."

I feel the same way, although I don't think my "SS" is as bad as yours, we still have the same feelings at the end of the day. I wish I knew how to overcome them! Luckily this is not my everyday life, as SS only comes to visit twice a year. I don't think I could handle it on a daily basis, so to me you are amazing!

Crayon-Pretty much the same

Here-just age difference

Holidays are such a treat as I NEVER know what Zippy is doing (if anything) until the LAST possible minute-then that can change several times the last minute (see Romantic Weekend Spoiled posting)

Zippy-like a puppy-lives in the moment-why think ahead? -some days it is why think at all?

Melis-I love DH so that helps to put up with it daily-good thing he is a nurturing parent (he has enough nurture to go round)as I am having such a hard time trying to see "the good"-one of Life's Lesson's I guess...

who the heck would/could possibly think this is a good way to parent?

I sat DH down and said -I really need him to make sure I have a few Zippyless hours on the weekend as it is my only down time-They can bond or something-while I have a bubble bath....

This too shall pass....

Step Parenting – you might need to step back before you step in something!

I feel your pain, Endora

And I don't know how you stand it 24/7- really, I don't.
Because I truky know the feelings you are describing to a ''T'' with regard to my SD16, and I only have to deal with her 50 percent of the time.

With SD16 it's several things- the constant lying, disrespect to her dad and siblings (not me, though), laziness and excuses for her bad behavior. She brings the word ''selfishness'' to a new level I have never seen before in a child.

But then, if company comes over, the 'act' begins, and she's so sugary sweet, over-the-top fake to everyone else it's just disgusting. But as soon as the guests leave, she's like Sybil- and the air is ice-cold with her nastiness. I think that's the thing that disturbs me the most- just how quickly she can turn on the fakeness for strangers and back to the evil and nasty for us.

And the second thing thing that disturbs me...DHs total oblivion to ALL of this. In his eyes, she'll forever be his ''Little Princess''.

"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis

It's an incredible adjustment, not one I'm sure I could make

"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere

Endora, I really didn't realize your marriage was so fresh.

No wonder this is driving you nuts! You not only have a new marriage, your have a full-time SS to deal with, and a teen at that. My sympathy. By now, you know my struggles well. If I had to live with SD17 & her overindulgent father, we would certainly not make it. As it is, I find myself wondering if he and I can make this work. But if SD17 was in the equation full-time, there would be no question. We wouldn't last a week.

5teensathome-I don't know which is worse

"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere

Your SD16 with her sweet act, or my SD17, who expects everyone present to put up with her attitude.

The scene: SIL's living room, 30 minutes from here. Birthday party a month ago for MIL. SD17 is sulking around, pouting. Whinning that she is sooo tired. H tells her to go lie down in the spare bedroom, which she does. Sleeps thru the whole thing. Right before we leave, everyone wants pictures, so H gets SD17 up. She is rude-pouting, snapping at everyone. All of H's sisters are giving me a real knowing look-but H is , as you said, totally oblivious. Totally. Unbelievable.

Then the drive home. We drive here-it's 9:00 on Sat. nite. My BS is expected here anytime-coming to spend a couple of days. Which I was, of course, so looking forward to. SD17 is whinning all the way back about how tired she is. Doesn't know if she can drive home. (It's 30 minutes away, for crying out loud). H asks if she needs to spend the nite, and get up early in the a.m. (she works on Sundays). I was really getting tense. I did not want her around when my son gets there-he doesn't need to deal with her sh_t also. So, I piped up and said to H-guess you'll just have to get up early and get her off to work if she stays. I'm not doing it. She drove home.

But that's how H lets her get away with acting, no matter whom we are around. She acts like a cranky two year old, and he lets her get away with it. Doesn't even notice it. So I don't know which is worse. the fake act, or expecting everyone to put up with the mood crap.

So we get up this morning

To see SS lying on the living room couch TV blaring-feet up like a lazy lion! DH has a rule of no morning TV as SS sits there like a Zombie and misses his bus up to two times in a morning!!! He knows this-still tries to assert himself every once in awhile.

DH looks at the TV -looks at SS -looks at the TV looks at SS

FINALLY SS grunts "WHAAAA?" (translation "What would you like Father"?-SS does not do complete words)-his Dad says sweetly -"Zippy,now you know there is no TV in the morning while we are getting ready for school/work-Zippy roles his eyes- SLOWLY GETS UP- I walk by ready to take the dog out and say to DH-"why don't you just go in the room and turn it off, not say anything"? Apparently that would be rude (after the 200th time of this morning TV crap happening -this is rude? Wouldn't want Zippy to be rude now would we?

Glad to hear your stories as it gives me some tips on how you handle the teen monsters-I really believe it is a teen way of thinking-they could not be that smart to plan on being so annoying? :O