How do you deal with the loss of the "fantasy"?
Before SS5 came to live with us, I was on the moon happy. Things were great. My BF was by no means perfect, but I felt he was just about perfect for me. Now? Its only been a week but I feel like I'm in hell.
Today was my first attempt at talking to him about the issues I'm having with SS5. I told him about how SS5 doesnt listen to me when he isnt around. How SS5 gets in my son's face, jokingly making these crazy statements about how "gangsta" he is and putting his hands on my son. When I tell SS5 to stop, he asks me "did my father say that?". As if I have no authority. When I ask BF what he is going to do about it, he tells me he wants to give his son a few more days since this situation is new to him. Um, IDGAF. I get that its new, but that doesnt mean that my son and I have to suffer in our own house because of it.
And if this mess doesnt get handled correctly, both of their asses will be looking for a new place to stay until his son gets his behavior under control.
How did it go from such bliss to THIS? Life isn't fair. I guess I just better get used to it.
It might pay for you all to
It might pay for you all to sit down and have a wee chat about house rules. It helps kids when they don't feel singled out, so come up with a set of general house rules for ALL to follow, also let the kids know what will happen if they break the rules, "which ever adult is around at the time has the right to carry out these consequences". dtzyblnd is right in regards to 'respecting adults', a part of parenting (meaning your DP) is teaching children morals and values, respect is an important part of making a blended family work.
Good luck, I hope your DP pulls his head out so things get better for you!
Dtzy, thats what I thought
Dtzy, thats what I thought should happen too. His reaction has made me not want to be around his son alone at all. I will worry about my child and he can worry about his. It's just so sad to watch this happen like this.
My son has been feeling sick and BF asked SS to be quiet and stay in the living room while my son rested. While BF was busy, SS snuck into the bathroom where my son was hunched over the toilet, waiting to finally vomit to get some relief. SS started talking and slamming doors. BF called out "Is that you making that noise?" to SS. SS lies and said it isn't him and runs back where his father is. I wanted badly to tell BF that his son was lying, as usual. But for what if he isn't going to do anything about it for some days? This is ridiculous.
Mama, you are so right and
Mama, you are so right and I've tried to do exactly that. Sat my son and ss down to explain what "we" will and will not do. I didnt want to single SS out. That is when he said to me "did my dad say that?". But then again, it was just me stating what the rules are...not his father. And having his father there to lay down these rules WITH me is probably the one thing that is missing in this.
YOU are definitely doing all
YOU are definitely doing all the right things, but with difficult SK's there is only so much you can do, I really do hope you can convince your DP to open his eyes and get more engaged! It's not fair what he is subjecting you and your son too by downplaying the situation
We were raised in completely
We were raised in completely different ways. I grew up financially stable in a nice neighborhood with my parents working very hard to keep me sheltered from certain things. BF's life was quite the opposite but he truly worked hard to overcome it and I respect that. He tries his best to be a good father but his son was recently in a household with BM where things were as ghetto (sorry to use that term, but I dont know what else to call it) as possible.
But I've worked very hard with my son to keep him away from certain things. I won't accept or tolerate SS or anyone else bringing these types of things into my son's life. Fighting, calling himself "gangsta" or any of that won't be allowed. I like hip-hop and rap, but when I'm in the car with my son, we listen to Disney. I've worked hard to send my son to a private Catholic school in my area since the schools around here are atrocious and rife with gangs, violence and drugs. When I mentioned how I don't want my son to be taught these things, BF tells me "I doubt he can be taught anything by a 5 year old". Are you kidding me? This child has been caught cursing, talking about how "gangsta" he is, etc. His dad gets on him when it happens in FRONT OF HIM, but when I come to him to tell him what happens when he isn't around, he does nothing.
If it has to come down to my son's well being and future or challenging the years of work I've done vs. making his son feel comfortable - I'm sad to say that his son is going to lose.
If your BF does not step up
If your BF does not step up IMMEDIATELY you will need to do what is best for your son by getting him out of a toxic environment.
I live in an urban area much like what you are describing. Most people cannot even imagine how hideous some of the public schools are.
"Did my dad tell you
"Did my dad tell you that?''... ANSWER "No, I did. Now either do as you are told or face the consequences..."
"What are they?" ... Answer "Well for starters I yank the cable on the TV. Then I pull the TV cord out of the wall and cut off the plug. I have done it before you know. Then I take all your toys and put them in boxes. When you are polite you will get one back."
"Did my dad tell you that?" ANSWER: "No I did. I am not playing games. Either listen to me or find out the hard way..."
"I am gangsta..."ANSWER: "Really? You are 5 yrs old. Silly little boy. Now go and play."
"No I am REALLY gangsta..." ANSWER: "Really? So what? Gangstas either end up in jail for 10-15 yrs or dead by the time they are 25, take your pick. I wonder if your Dad told you that?"
"I can beat up BS." ANSWER: "Kid, you lay one hand on my son and you will wish you lived in China. You may not get beaten to a pulp but you better sleep with one eye open for the next year."
There is nothing wrong in instilling the fear of hell into little ones.
That is an absolutely
That is an absolutely disgusting and filthy way for any adult to speak to a 5 year old child!! If that is how you speak to children, I hope they spit in your coffee and run your toothbrush under the toilet lip!
Must be either someone with
Must be either someone with an obnoxious kid or else someone who's missing a few brain cells.
A parent's job is to put the fear of god into brats.
How is it disgusting?? All I
How is it disgusting?? All I see is the truth. Bio mom should have thought this kid manners, but instead she's leaving it up to strangers to teach em.
After trying to bond with
After trying to bond with this child over the pizza I bought for all of us and getting blatantly ignored and then laughed at in my face with his father saying NOTHING, I asked them both to leave to get this worked out amongst themselves.
I am not about to be disrespected in my house by a 5 year old. I love my BF but I love myself and my son more. And while marriage was on the table previously, its not anymore until this gets fixed. And it doesn't need to just get fixed for just me. It needs to be fixed for his son as well. If he lets this behavior continue, he wont be doing his son any favors.
So we will work on this from a distance. If things improve, we can move forward. If not, I will survive just like I have in other situations. But I'm not tolerating this any further.
Great job!
Great job!
Lol well thank you!! But
Lol well thank you!! But really, I just couldn't take it anymore. And Im not jeopardizing my son's well-being for ANYBODY. Not even for MY happiness.
Funny thing is after arguing for about an hour about it, BF admitted that his mother TOLD him this would happen. She said that unless he fixed his son's behavior, his son was going to end up ruining our relationship. Most MIL's are complete witches, taking up for their son at any given chance. I felt more validated after hearing this and it also made me feel as if there was someone else in his life that is giving him healthy doses of truth about the situation.