How do I do it?
Work has been extra stressful and I was really looking forward to a quiet weekend last weekend. I felt my mood immediately shift when DH told me that he invited both his sister and YSD over. He even noticed and asked if I was out of sorts. Yes, I certainly was. I felt down and tearful. I do not wish to expend my time or energy on people who do not value or care about me. And I certainly do not want them in my home. My home is my sanctuary.
Yes, I do understand that it is also DH's home and he has every right to entertain who he wishes (exculding OSD). Yes, I do understand that they are his family and he loves them. Yes, I do understand that he does not share my intuition that they only put up with me...like he always says, "They like you, honey." Yes, I do understand that he is not able to read behavior like I can and even if he does, he prefers to let it fly right over his head. (He is good and kind and wants to believe that everyone else is the same. I'm a realist, I know that everyone else is not the same. Plus, I read and respond to behaviors for a living. I've gotten skilled in doing so.)
I feel I am getting the hang of disengaging. However, the holidays are different. All the 'forced' togetherness. I do not wish to make believe that everything is warm and fuzzy and expend time and energy on those who do not know or understand me, nor do they wish to know or understand me. So...how do I do it? How do I extricate myself without hurting my DH? (That is the last thing I wish to do!) Do I just suck it up? Who else out there feels this way and what did/do you do about it? I really need some suggestions. Thank you!
Why would he not talk to you
Why would he not talk to you before inviting anyone over? Is their visit for a meal? A day?
?
It was so his sister could see the house and he could see his grandchild.
I honestly had not even thought about him mentioning it after the fact. I believe because he enjoys them, that he thinks I will too.
Yeah I agree...he should run
Yeah I agree...he should run it past you before inviting anyone over, no matter who it is.
It's just common decency to pick up the phone or text your partner "Hey is it ok with you if XXXX comes over tonight?"
Your DH should not just tell you after the fact, that he has invited his sister and your SD over. He should have ASKED you first.
I think you should have a calm and rational discussion with him to that effect:
"Hey DH, . I believe that before either of us invites anyone over, we need to check with the other person first. We both live here and need to make sure we are considerate of each other".....
That kind of thing...
!
You know, it is discussed if I want to invite family over. He would never say "no"; he would be all for it and welcoming. However, there is a really big difference between my family and his...mine accept him unconditionally and have welcomed him with open arms.
I think it would be a hard conversation to have without hurting his feelings. I can hear it..."Don't you like my family?"
However, if this happens again, I could very easily say, "Honey, I was really looking forward to spending my downtime just with you. I was looking forward to a quiet day at home." That would be better received.
@Trudie...yeah he really
@Trudie...yeah he really should have run this one by you. I also think a great way to handle the situation is to "busy" yourself with things around the house and let DH entertain. If they don't value you then they won't miss you. When older SS and DIL come to the house (very rare) I have "things to do." I stop in the dining room to say hello and greet once DH has got them settled in and then I acknowledge stay for as long as I want to (which is typically less than 30 seconds) and then I go off. They don't even ask where I am going, any questions about me- nothing so it's as if I wasn't even there. This is really DH's family and you don't really owe them much this late in the game- cordial, hello and brevity is your friend. Let your DH take on the work including the cooking, etc
!
Thank you, I like this approach...it would work well for me. Not sure it would work well for him, I think he would be hurt that I didn't want to spend time with them. Would like to avoid the hurt.
There is also the fact that YSD has invaded my personal space...digging around in my kitchen, reading my mail. Just no! I would feel like I had to be on 'high alert' to keep her out of my things.
Geez, do I sound like a jerk?
Trudie, I'm calling it absolutely wrong that he can bring anyone
Trudie,
I'm calling it absolutely wrong that he can bring anyone he wants to visit your home though it is also his home. No, is no. Only if he asks and you agree can anyone visit. That works both ways.
It takes a very few seconds to call with an "Is it okay if (person X and Y) visits (date here)?". No need to answer immediately. Thank him for letting you know and tell him you will let him know shortly. Pull the immediacy out of it. Prepare, then give him an answer. This is not about the answer that he wants to hear. This is about your comfort and security in your home.
IMHO of course.
!
You get it, it is all about my comfort and security in my own home! I am realizing that now.
You know, they were all excited when I married into the family because they thought I was the 'magic bullet' who could help with OSD's issues. That changed when they realized they too would need to set limits with her behavior, say "no", and employ some tough love. It was like flipping a switch...I was no longer welcome, just tolerated. They are unwilling to do the work it takes to have healthy relationships. That is something that I can not change.
I am at the point in my life where all I am interested in are genuine and respectful relationships. That is what I give and I deserve the same in return. So, that would explain why I don't want them in my private, personal space.