help? needing advice...
backstory: when i met my husband 3 years ago, i fell in love with his kids before i fell in love with him and we quickly married a month later. his ex wife had custody of their two kids, but frequently left for days and weeks at a time because she was on meth. for the past 3 years she has been on and off of it, in and out of jail, and in and out of the kids lives. all the while, i was a stay at home parent being the mother she couldnt be. my husband finally got custody last year and after christmas, their bm disappeared for 6 months. last week she started calling again. we've never wanted to keep the kids from her, and we've always been honest and open with the kids about their bm. she said she wanted to start visiting and i agreed, (i handle just about everything having to do with their bm, as my husband cant hardly speak to her) as long as she called a couple times a week for a few weeks to show some incentive. which she understood.
so now she is calling everyday, way more than we expected. the kids are thrilled and i love seeing them happy. but i dont want to see them disappointed if she dips again, or gets arrested again, or worse.
and, honestly, im feeling a bit sub-par. shes always been a junkie and its been easy to be a "better mom" (for lack of a better term) than her. but if she is doing as well as she claims and is staying sober... i dont stand a chance. its in no way a competition to me, but i feel them slipping away already, losing connection. like they're realizing im "just their step-mom" shes their "real mom."
i just dont know if how im feeling is normal or how to deal with it. is there anyone with a similar experience or just anyone that can give me some advice?
tl;dr i feel like im losing the bond with my step kids now that their bm is back and possibly sober. it breaks my heart. help.
Yes, how you are feeling is
Yes, how you are feeling is normal in my opinion.
I am the SDad and the SpermIdiot is a waste of skin. I am my SS's dad. He knows it. But... I am not his BioDad. He knows that too. When he was younger I had a few periods where I felt as you do when the SpermIdiot crawled out from under his slime covered rock at the bottom of his shallow and polluted gene pool. Kids want the people they love to be worthy of that love and even after extended periods of toxic crap when a BioParent hits a period of comparatively reasonable behavior the kids gravitate to that improvement like they are following the pied piper.
In my case things were not ever too bad and ultimately when he made it through his teens he asked me to adopt him when he was 22. I had been his dad since before he was 2yo and the SpermIdiot's and SpermClan's manipulative crap was very clear to my SS by the time he aged out from under the CO.
I suggest that you take a deep breath, stick to what you have been doing, and keep the Skids abreast of the facts of the situation and in touch with their BM's historical and likely future behaviors. When they reach early adulthood
You do deserve credit for
You do deserve credit for being there for those kids. You must be a very unselfish, loving person to step in like that.
However, you need to protect yourself emotionally. What others have said here -- that kids always revert to their BM -- even if she is a drug addict, or abandons them, or abuses them, is generally true. It isn't a judgment of your worth or your efforts. It's just that if you choose to self sacrifice yourself for someone else's kids, you absolutely must do it with NO expectation of thanks, of credit, or of their lasting admiration.
Marrying a guy after one month...that's a risk that would make me think you impulsively and perhaps naively thought you could have an instant brady bunch. I know these situations can just evolve and you find yourself believing if you can just hang on, it will all turn out well.
The thing that worries me for you is...if this guy is not yet indifferent to BM's antics, then he is not in a good place. As others have said, you should not have to act as ambassador between him and BM. In fact, it is dead wrong of him to put that on you. She can trump card you whenever she wants, and will.
My advice...step back emotionally and continue to be a good loving person. Watch DH closely and rationally and perhaps one day you may have to make a decision about whether you jumped into something you didn't fully comprehend.
I have two Skidlings - 1 is
I have two Skidlings - 1 is 11 and the other 18. The 18 yo is loyal to her mother, although she frequently calls her and boyfriend Tweedle "idiots", and she shuns me, but is friendly when she wants something. Recently BM choked and slapped and body slammed Winona SD18. And then the other day, kicked her out of her room at the apartment (good thing I think). Still, BM is the mother, so she gets the cards and the "happy mothers day", and I will never get those, no matter how awesome or incredible or helpful I am. That's how it is.
But you are in the position where they need you and will come back. She will more than likely disappoint them again, and there you will be, their steady rock. Just make sure to take time for you and do not sacrifice your entire life!
Why can BM call when ever she
Why can BM call when ever she want to, sorry she lost that privileged long time ago,
It's time to put some boundaries in place and some basic rules. BM can call every second night, after dinner to talk to the children, or what ever time line you decide, it's not to be a bitch but it's to protect the children in case BM runs off again. You are the adult here and why did you not say, BM it's fine to call the children, but it's only going to be Sundays, you left them for 6 months with no contact, you will have to proof you are trust worthy before we will allow more. Baby steps....
Then remember - the kids know how their mother is, but in their minds they build her up as something totally different,
there will come a day when BM says, she's going for 50/50 custody... cause you never had basic rules of building a relationship of trust between her and the children, the children will call you a bitch and tell you, you are not our mother, they will fight to live with BM, when they are 17/18 BM will kick them out, cause she can't handle them anymore and you sit with them... hating your situation, resenting your husband.... this is your future if you do not get the basics right.
These kids are to young to understand and will be heartbroken when she walks off again for months, you will have to be there for them and they will blame you!!! Get some boundaries in place, even if you have to go back to court and get it in writing that BM can only call certain days... this is where you can make a difference in these children's lives..... stuff the idea it's their mother she can call when ever she pleases, it only makes her better and bigger in the children's eyes, the fantasy is growing of living with her, cause she probably tells them as soon as she finds a job they will live with her again..