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HELP!!! I don't want to move in with him!!!!!

bananashake's picture

Submitted by bananashake on Tue, 11/15/2011 - 8:43am

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General Discussion

OK guys, the pressure is back on me again and I am in desperate need of moral support.

You may remember a couple threads where my boyfriend who is living in his grandma's house with two kids, his mom, uncle, cousin and their kids, etc. He is desperate to move out. I TOLD him I refuse to move in unless I can see he is self-sufficient to move out on his own with his kids (boy that is 3, girl that is 5). He won't move out cause he doesn't make enough money for rent (which I doubt, he smokes $10 pack cigarettes every friggin day). We got into several arguments about it and finally came to a stalemate, with me not budging on moving in with him and his two kids.

His female friend, who at one time sided with me on my reasoning for not moving in with him.... TOTALLY about faced this weekend and guilted me about not moving in. She says...

"He doesn't make enough, it's so clear to me."

"He needs the HELP to do it on his own and that's where you come in."

"Those kids are in need of a proper stable home and you are not providing them with what they need."

"In life sometimes you need to make sacrifices. If you don't woman up a little and step to the plate I will be so angry with you cause I love those kids"

"Those kids will love you. Your life will not change from moving in and you can still bank the money you make"

"You can't expect to be in this relationship and not move in with him"

UGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!

OK see guys, I'm an insecure woman unfortunately and tend to question myself when people bully me. However I DO NOT WANT TO MOVE IN, my gut is screaming NO!!!! Everytime I think of it I cringe!!

I see his kids hating me cause I'm much more strict than him.

I see myself putting out more money for expenses cause he gets laid off so much and I make significantly more.

I'm also focusing on my career, want to buy my own home for once, and obtain an MBA degree. I have no kids of my own and I want to do this now before I have ONE kid.

But I feel I am doing wrong by his kids now. She made me feel so small and insignificant that I wanted to cry. She has five kids now and actually is a very good mother (her husband makes a ton of money so they are well off).

And now a days she keepings saying things like 'Oh when you and BF move in'....and 'When you two end up living together' Ugh ugh ugh

Even if he didn't have kids, I wouldn't want to move in with him.

Please I need moral support!!!!!

alwaysanxious's picture

Submitted by alwaysanxious on Tue, 11/15/2011 - 2:31pm

Stop right now and understand that you are the one who is correct.

These comments from HIS friend (who is not out to help you) are ridiculous.

"He doesn't make enough, it's so clear to me." - how is that my problem?

"He needs the HELP to do it on his own and that's where you come in." He's grown, again how is that my problem?

"Those kids are in need of a proper stable home and you are not providing them with what they need." They have a mom and a dad. They are not my responsibility. I did not make the choice to have these kids. Their mom and dad did.

"In life sometimes you need to make sacrifices. If you don't woman up a little and step to the plate I will be so angry with you cause I love those kids"
Sounds like you (his friend) have a problem. You are under the mistaken idea that his kids are my responsibility. You also are under the mistaken idea that I care about you being angry at me. I don't have to make any sacrifices, he is not my responsibility and neither are the kids.

"Those kids will love you. Your life will not change from moving in and you can still bank the money you make"
Yes it will change, don't think for a minute that it won't. I will be unhappy and lose myself in someone else's problems.

People really have some nerve. She needs to mind her own business.

Stop questioning yourself, you are doing things correctly. This guy sounds like he has always had someone to step in and take care of him. Don't be the next victim.

"You can't expect to be in this relationship and not move in with him"

-He doesn't even have himself stable, you can't possibly move in with him.

newmom01's picture

Submitted by newmom01 on Tue, 11/15/2011 - 8:59am

Girl Please! If your boyfriend is a loser (sorry Sad ) That is not your fault! You should not have to take care of three people! him and his two kids...That's nuts

If you dont mind me asking, how old are you? And why in the world would you want to move into his grandmas house with all those other people???? Then you dont have privacy.... I am so sick of men making single, educated, childless, home owning/own apartment having women feel bad for having thier stuff together and not wanting to waste thier time haelping their GROWN sorry asses!

Then they want to call them selfish...tell that nut roll to find another sucker ...and you just keep doing you. And if that other woman loves those kids so much, tell her to move in and give them a stable home, yet let the bf and his kids move in with her

Thats crazy....Get your education and dont let this guy drag you down ...good luck

Disneyfan's picture

Submitted by Disneyfan on Tue, 11/15/2011 - 9:04am

"Those kids are in need of a proper stable home and you are not providing them with what they need."

You're not their parent!!! It's not up to you to give them a stable home.

I don't blame you for not wanting to live with a man who can't provide for his family. Why should you have to take care of him and his kids? If he can't make it on one job, then he needs to have 2 jobs.

Parents do what they need to do to make sure they kids have a home. That doesn't mean taking advantage of woman who has her act together.

Aeron's picture

Submitted by Aeron on Tue, 11/15/2011 - 9:37am

Wow - if that's a friend, who needs enemies?

First off - she's right that those kids need a stable home, however you are Not their mother and it is NOT on You to provide it. It's on your BF.

If you don't woman up she'll be angry with you because She loves the kids? Well great, then SHE can help your BF with money and moving them out of their current situation, not you. Those children are Not your responsibility and she can take her anger and suck it.

"Your life will not change from moving in and you can still bank the money you make" ????? Is she stupid?? OF COURSE your life will change!! And if He can't afford it without you, that means you'll be picking up all the financial slack. Who does she think she's kidding??

You are not doing wrong by his kids. You aren't their mother, you are not responsible for their well being and living situation. Your BF is a grown person, you are not responsible for his well being or living situation. If he wants to move out, he needs to make it happen without you. If you feel he's irresponsible with money now, you moving in with them isn't going to convince you otherwise, it's likely going to make you feel used. (Oh, no I really need you to buy the Skids x,y,z, I have to go buy more cigarettes)

Do Not move in with this man if you don't Really want to. Honestly, I think you need to find a new friend, this one does not seem to have your best interests at heart.

She may be right that you can't have this relationship and expect not to move in, but if your BF and your friend aren't willing to be understanding of you and your wants and needs, is it really a relationship you Want to be in?

windee's picture

Submitted by windee on Tue, 11/15/2011 - 9:21am

There is NO way you should move in with him. Sounds like his female friend wants to move in with him. It is not right what she said to you and how she said it. Your BF is also being extremely unfair to you! DO NOT BUDGE! YOU ARE RIGHT!!! 100%

Auteur's picture

Submitted by Auteur on Tue, 11/15/2011 - 10:11am

DO NOT MOVE IN WITH THIS "MAN". . . YOU WILL BE SORRY. I was told a LOOOONNNNNNG time ago never to start a relationship on pity. So far I've ignored my "inner voice" and have done it THRICE. Each time a bigger disaster than the last!!

Believe me, if you do this and become his "main support" the "male ego" in him will "bite the hand that feeds him." He will become resentful of you GUARANTEED.

Go with your gut and do not even CONSIDER moving in with him. I allowed GG to move in with me. . .WORST decision I've EVER made (and I've had inner city rental property!!)

skylarksms's picture

Submitted by skylarksms on Tue, 11/15/2011 - 10:23am

Your so-called FRIEND is attempting to make you the next ENABLER to this guy. What is her TRUE motivation?

YOU are not responsible for ANYTHING...but YOU!

If more women followed their gut instincts, this site would have a lot fewer posters. Smile

madrasta's picture

Submitted by madrasta on Tue, 11/15/2011 - 11:08am

Please please please trust your instincts and DO NOT move in. If you both want to live together, and you can BOTH contribute to living expenses you should look for an apartment. If he is not willing/able to keep a steady job then, if you want to continue in the relationship, will have to plan on being the breadwinner. It's not easy. It never is. But moving into a bad situation will only make everyone feel worse and honestly it does not sound like there is a chance in hell that it will work out.

Good luck to you.

DLDP's picture

Submitted by DLDP on Tue, 11/15/2011 - 11:25am

You are not his savior. It's his mess. Never, NEVER ignore that gut feeling, EVER! Oh, and if he makes the choice of smoking $10 a day in cigs over taking care of his children, think about what things he'll prioritize over you. My mother use to say to me when I was in bad relationships, "this is as good as it gets." Do not ignore the red flags before you. Run, don't walk away from this one. Just my opinion.

As for HIS friend, it sounds to me like he put her up to that little speech because he knows he getting nowhere in his attempts to convince you. That's sneaky.

runt71's picture

Submitted by runt71 on Wed, 11/16/2011 - 8:33am

PLEASE......DON'T DO IT!!!!!!!!I love my man with all my heart and soul... but

I have had to learn this the hard way. After we met he started stay here more than at his own apt. When his lease was up 6 month later love said it made more sense that we could save on rent only paying for one apt and not 2. At the time I was working a very good paying job.
Long story short....I cashed out my 401K...paid off alot of his bills...or so I thought.
I know now that I only paid off a smidging of the bills he owed... His contribution to our apt and lifestyle is much smaller than mine. Even though he is making GOOD money it goes on all the bills from his divorce.
While the money isn't a big issue.....it relates back to the reason i left my first husband. I need a man who can stand on his own two feet and not depend on me.
His kids are NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. Yeah, I have room to talk....I am doing his kids laundry as I sit here.
So Please....listen to your gut.....it is usually smarter than your heart....

beenthere's picture

Submitted by beenthere on Wed, 11/16/2011 - 10:47am

Always trust your gut! If you move in:

You will be paying the bills.
Your life WILL change dramatically.
The skids will hate you!
You will hate all of them and yourself.

Best advice is to just get out of this whole situation, focus on your education, and find a respectable childless man who is worthy of you.