HELP future wife having issues with exwife
I am about to marry a great guy who has two girls and a gold digging ex wife. They text every day and most of the time she is saying that she needs more money or needs him to go over and take care of the girls because their having a fit, which is fine I can handle that he wants to be a good father and be there for them. My problem is when I need him he isn’t always there.
I hurt my back when I was caring the girls at the state fair and I couldn’t move. We dropped the girls off and he told her that I could get out because I hurt my back and we when home I laid on the floor and was icing it. Then he gets a text that they are having another fit and it is just too much for her, so I told him to go but hurry up. When he got there the girls were on the coach watching a movie and his ex asked him to say and watch them why she when on an errand. I called and texted him trying to let him know I needed to go to the hospital because my legs were going numb and no response so I called my mom, 4 hours later he gets home and calls my cell asking where I was. And to top it all off he doesn’t get why I was so up set. He through in my face that he is trying to be a good dad, and be there and he doesn’t get that his ex is taking advantage of him and that sometimes I need him too am I being completely unreasonable?
I asked that he only go to help her with them when it was an emergency and a fit doesn’t qualify because they are never in melt down mode when he gets there but she always needs him to watch them. Before she knew that he was seeing anyone she never texted him or bugged him now that the girls know I exist and she knows he is always talking and texting her….help! How do I talk to him about this, I love him and don’t want us to fall apart, all we do is fight now and always about her and always about giving her more money.
Interesting issue. I had
Interesting issue. I had similar issues with my fiance when we first started dating. His ex would have him pickup milk on the way to drop SD off at home or get SD dinner on the way home because she was "too sick to get out of bed". I was fine with this until she refused to allow BD and I to take SD out of town for the weekend, claiming that she didn't think he was responsible enough to care for her over night. At that point he did not have over night visits.
That is when even I opened my eyes to how manipulative she was being. After that, she would call him at all hours of the night asking him to come and take care of SD because she was throwing a "fit" and she couldn't get her to go to bed. She was 2 years old at the time! She threatened to have him thrown in jail for being late on CS by 5 DAYS (for the first time EVER Btw) and that's when I had had enough. I had a discussion with BD and let him know how much of this I saw going on. I told him that I find it highly inappropriate for him to be running errands for BM when she is fully capable of doing these things herself and is not giving an inch in return. I would suggest to the BM in your life that she bring the girls to your house for him to watch when they are like that. He can be a good father without sacrificing being a good fiance/ boyfriend as well. I don't think its selfish to expect the BM to be able to control her own children when they are in her care. That is her job as their mother.
If all you're doing is
If all you're doing is fighting about the ex and kids NOW, before you've married him, it's only going to get 1000x worse once you do marry him, seriously. His ex is manipulating him through the children. She's playing mind games and he's letting her lead him around by the nose for the sake of his children.
You have a very real problem. Abandoning you when you're having a medical condition to babysit so the ex can go run an errand?!? GTFO! I don't care if he was lured over there under false pretenses, he should have realized the kids were okay and said "Bye, my GF is in pain at home." Frankly, his leaving you when you were hurt was a shitty thing to do and shows you where you fall on his scale of priorities. If the girls are "having a fit" he can talk to them over the phone, he doesn't need to drop everything and run when they snap their fingers. I'm telling you, red flags, big time.
You marry him without getting this situation resolved, realize you're getting a taste of your future, it will only get worse.
Therapy might fix things, but right now he's still "married" to his ex.
Don't marry him! Get out of
Don't marry him! Get out of this relationship....those kids will always come first. I'm assuming you have no kids of your own? Make a fresh start with a man without baggage, then you can have all of your firsts together; no ex-wives, no stepkids, no nothin' getting in the way and hogging up his time.
If you absolutely MUST marry
If you absolutely MUST marry him (despite the red flags you probably should hold off) make sure he is on the same page as you. You are right in that having a "fit" does not qualify as an emergency. In addition, if she is sooo overwhelmed she can drive her happy ass to his house and dump them off. He is blind that she is only pulling these antics as a power play. She just wants to make sure that she is number 1 and is using his kids as bait. This is ridiculous. He has to understand that your marriage needs to come first and that you refuse to be part of this strange child-centric relationship.
I am completely in love with
I am completely in love with him and he does try. Things were really good between us for the first 10 months, we wanted to take things slow because of the kids and we didnt want them meeting me till we knew that things would work out. Once the BM found out about me was when all hell broke loose, she knows that he would do anything for his girls and is taking advantage of that and I cant find a good way to get the point across. He is currently paying her almost double what he is suposed to in Child support and Spouse support and we arelooking to getting our own home and if I bring up money at all all he says is I have to support my girls. Well I am all for that but I am working full time too and want a better life than a two bed room apt. with how much he has given BM we could have put the down payment on a beautiful two story home already. I just dont know how to talk to him about it anymore
I don't understand why she
I don't understand why she cannot handle the kids when they're having a fit. If she is not capable of parenting them alone, why is she ever alone with them? Why does he have to run over there at all? They are manipulating FDH and he is letting them. Threaten to petition the court for full custody of the kids since she is not capable of caring for them and see if the calls continue. FDH is going to have to put his foot down, though, or this will never stop. I would probably put off getting married until you see if he's going to be firm with BM.
The ONLY time my DHs ex had
The ONLY time my DHs ex had him over in her home was when their son had a severe lifethereatening accident and she needed help getting him into her house. She couldn't carry him and DH could.
He runs when she says because she holds her daughters as the carrot.
I bet he is heart stoppingly wonderful. But if you marry him you will be living in that 2 bedroom apartment for a very long time.
If he is handing money over to her above and beyond he is not marriage material. Not now, not ever. See, when you marry your spouse comes first. Not your kids, not your ex, not your parents. Your SPOUSE and that is the present spouse and not an ex spouse. If he has handed over more and more it is because he loves you less than his kids and his ex. He can say no. And the next move is preventing visitation.
Then if you marry the ante will be upped. The girls will whisper about you. They wil climb all over their father and remember stupid stuff which means their father will have to take them back to their mothers and OMG! when she is home... usually around about dinnertime or a meal when he grabs a bitwe to eat. and they chat about school activities while the girls search for the 'important homework'.
See right now he has you in a tight corner. Your income is assisting him stay in that apartment. Now if you moved out and he had to pay his own way then his generosity may just come to an amazing halt. And you will see how much he values either you, or the convenience of your income supporting him while he hands over armloads of cash over and above to his ex.
As for the gilrs having a 'fit'. That too is another excuse to get him over there to watch them while she runs errands. But then he is porbably so grateful to spend any additional time with his daughter sh ewill do anything he can to get those few extra hours he isn't paying for.
Move out. Tell him you need your own space for a while. Sure, you will marry him but he has to show you that you are #1. Not his daughters and not his ex. Personally if my DH handed over additional money to his ex which left us living in a 2 bedroom apartment ... there would be no 'we'.