Help. Deciding My Next Move.
I'm at a "crap or get off the pot" moment in my life. I'm in my mid 30s. I've had a helluva career. Been all over the world. My boyfriend of 3 years and his 3 year old son (yes, you read that right), moved into my house with me a year ago. I'm a great mom to his son.
And my boyfriend has to be what every woman dreams of. Brings me flowers, fixes things around the house, tells me I'm beautiful, etc etc. We also have the same parenting technique - discipline, teach, etc the same way. Which helps so much.
They were not married. They dated for a couple years, broke up, got back together one night and boom - there's a baby.
The BM is actually fine. She doesn't cause hardly any havoc. It's split custody (he fault hard for it). And although BM has two degrees, she doesn't want to work (especially since just recently she had a baby with a married man that had three babies already). So he pays child support as well as 100% of day care - she doesn't watch the kids.
I make significantly more money than my boyfriend. And I pay for everything. He can't even pay a utility bill because of child support. He does buy groceries every once in a while.
My problem is I live in the town where they both live. My own thoughts have got the best of me and have ruined me. I can't go anywhere in the town without thinking of her; thinking I'm going to see her in the grocery store, I see her last name all over the place, I see the places they would go, etc etc.
So, I want to move. But the second kicker is I want to move home, where I grew up, where ALL my family is. Home is six hours away. I miss my family and the older I get the worse it gets. If I have my own children, I can't imagine them not being influenced, daily, by my family. My family is pretty awesome. 
And my boyfriend agrees and admits that he would rather be by my family than his. I could go on about his family, but will leave it at that. Just know that he has never let his 3yr old son spend the night with anyone in his family.
But we can't move. He won't move. He won't give up his son. And I understand (well, as much as a person without a child can understand). I wouldn't want to give up my children. I ask some of my friends for advice and they say if you love him, you will place him first and your family second. And I agree with that, but he will never place me first when it comes down to it.
I want him AND I want my family. We either need to move forward (marriage) or move on. And I just don’t know what to do. Every day my mind is split 50/50.
SO to summarize my problems:
- I can't live in this town - what should I do
- I can't get her out of my head - what should I do
- I want to live my life out with my family...and my boyfriend and his son - what should I
do
Please help. I'll take any advice, bad, good, mean, etc.
And p.s. - My boyfriend is
And p.s. - My boyfriend is VERY aware of all these issues, and more. Poor guy. We've talked and talked and neither can come to a decision on what to do next.
Crap...one more thing - how
Crap...one more thing - how do you get over not being placed first when it comes down to it? Don't we all deserve to be first in a relationship at some point?
Your BF sounds like a good
Your BF sounds like a good guy, albeit broke. I would have a hard time moving six hours away too. It seems like most of the issues are yours and might be dealt with better by seeing a counselor who is used to working with blended family issues.
If you read other posts on this site, you will find a lot of women who have DHs/BFs that are lazy, don't parent and/or let the BMs run the show and THEIR household. He doesn't sound like he does any of those things. And sounds like BM is (for now) normal. That's great!
What I do see as problems that he needs to deal with:
1. Child Support - why didn't CS go down when he got partial custody? Sometimes a parent can have income imputed if they are ABLE to work but CHOOSE not to.
2. Daycare - why does he have to pay ANYTHING AT ALL for daycare when the mother doesn't work? If she doesn't want to take care of her OWN child, SHE should pay for daycare! The only daycare he should have to provide is if it is his court ordered parenting time and he has to work.
Problems you need to deal with:
1. Why are you afraid of BM? Or jealous or whatever? You say you've had a great life and career. Your BF is with you and not her. EVERYONE has a past even if that past didn't produce a child.
2. If you want to be first, find a guy with no kids.
3. Eventually, you will be resentful over paying for most everything.
4. You want it all and now. You will have to choose. Your BF doesn't want to move 6 hrs from his son (understandable). There isn't really much for compromise here. Would it be possible to move, say to the next town over so everything doesn't remind you of her/them? And maybe make more time to go visit your family on weekends?
Thank you for the reply. I'm
Thank you for the reply. I'm not sure what power the BM has over me. I've never been jealous in my life and I'm not sure it's a jealousy thing. I don't want to be like her. It's more of a very weird obsession. At least that's what a counselor has told me. I've been to one a dozen times and in a way, it doesn't help because I'm constantly talking about her and her son which makes me think of her even more.
Do you have any advice on getting over someone’s past? I’m afraid you’re going to say “time”. My only concern with that is if we do get married, have children and 10 years from now I’m still mentally in the same place. I know no one can answer that “what if”, but right now it scares the crap out of me.
I just don’t know what to do.
All of this leads me to my
All of this leads me to my last question: after reading many threads on many SM forum web sites, I can't help but wonder WHY do we all put ourselves in this situation. Is that to rude to say/ask? Am I just not cut out to have a ready-made family or will someone tell me just to suck it up? How the hell did I get in this situation!
"I'm constantly talking about
"I'm constantly talking about her and her son"... That is because you are unhappy, why? and why not remove a situation thats makes you so unhappy from your life? let it be someones else's problem
It doesn't get better sad to say - I wish so much I was still at the place you are in when I had choices and no children with my DH!
You have a great career, no baggage of your own - Move home, find a decent man have your first child together and grow as parents together with no BM or Skids. Find a man that matches you career wise and finically think what a great life you could have. Think about what you want for your future child it will become their baggage also...
You just have to read through the many posts on here to see it gets even more complicated when you bring your won children into it. If he can't put you first now he never will.. Live in a shadow from his past or create a new healthy life.. I know I would if I was you .. Good luck
Thanks for the reply. I know
Thanks for the reply. I know exactly what you mean about his crappy mistakes. He's always telling other people that "we all make choices". He has made some bad ones along the way. And that's why he's in the situation he is in.
People tell me all the time that the past is the past. And I understand this, but I can't stop thinking about his mistakes in the past. People also say that time we help me move on. But it all makes me so nervous - what if we get married and have children and I still can't stop thinking about his past. I'll be miserable. Do you have any advice on how I can get over his past?
That is a really tough
That is a really tough decision and I know exactly how you feel about the whole coming second and everything reminding you of BM. I also have that problem and we are also currently in their home COUNTRY where I am totally out of place and its really torture a lot of the time. But we are only here temporary until his visa paper come through to move to usa and to MY city(GOD I CANT WAIT!) he is really close with his 5 year old daughter and he is moving with me. I would NOT stay in the relationship if he told me he wouldnt leave here. absolutely NOT. And I have told him this numerous times but he wants to move with me anyway. In fact, I am still considering if I am going to stay or go because BM is such a nightmare...
He's a user If you are the
He's a user
If you are the breadwinner you get to pick where you will live and work.
Move. If he wants you he will follow if he doesn't move he's made the choice that you aren't worth it.
^^^^THIS....go home and be
^^^^THIS....go home and be with your family. I know he's a nice guy, I get that. But YOU need to come first in your own life. you WILL live to be miserable if you stay where you are, he's put the child in front of you in every way. YOU take care of him AND THAT KID. How did he ever get shared custody when he can't take care of the kid himself??? is the mom incompetent? Cuz courts totally favor bio mommas. And, there are other nice guys out there. And if you leave, where's he gonna go, really? a cardboard box? He can't afford a utility bill because of CS? I bet his support would get cut in half if he had to live on his own. Then BM can use her 2 degrees and go back to work and stop living off $ from men who knocked her up! Run, Forrest RUN!!!!!
Ahh you want your cake and
Ahh you want your cake and eat it too.
Make a list of the pros and cons and take several days or even weeks to do it. Assign weight to each. Like living with family might be a +10 positive. Leaving boyfriend might be a -10 negative.
Others would have various weights.
Is this guy working to the best of his ability? If not "Leaving Bum +10 should be on your list. If you do please PM me as I think we would get along well.
After that exercise and if you don't move seek counseling as I think with that you can eliminate your fixation on his ex. You will be amazed at the insight a good counselor can have. A good counselor will have you will on your way to health within the first 4 weekly sessions and out the door in 3 months. If you're not happy with the results in the first few sessions find another one.
Are you hitting on her?
Are you hitting on her?
"... he will never place me
"... he will never place me first."
Isn't that the only REAL answer to all your questions? And you provided it yourself!
I agree with others on here - this man is using you as a crutch. You've been around since his son's birth supporting him emotionally, geographically and worst of all, financially.
The reason you are so obsessed with the BM is because it's probably your subconscious trying to tell you that her and her child will ALWAYS be first in his eyes. Your inner self is warning you this is a bad situation you can't escape from.
Even if he were to move with you, the eventual drama of the BM and skid, custody, visitation, child support, etc. will still follow you, no matter where you go.
Get out now. Move home, find a decent man you can start fresh with and stop wasting the most important child-bearing years of your life.
All of this leads me to my
All of this leads me to my last question: after reading many threads on many SM forum web sites, I can't help but wonder WHY do we all put ourselves in this situation. Is that too rude to say/ask? Am I just not cut out to have a ready-made family or will someone tell me just to suck it up? How the hell did I get in this situation!
I have my own bios, this is
I have my own bios, this is my second go-round. so I have a skid 24/7. It sucks, he's a pain in my ass, but I take the good (hubby) with the bad (skid). YOU have the world as your OYSTER, dump him and that kid, aka: constant reminder of the one night stand he had WHILE you were together that resulted in a permanent fixture". You will resent this kid FOREVER and him too, end up divorced and GOD FORBID having to pay him PALIMONY! don't do it girl!!
none of us are cut out for a
none of us are cut out for a 'ready made family' you are young enough to have one OF YOUR OWN! Run like a honey badger is CHASING YOU!!!