Upon having the CO modification finalized and signed on Tuesday, I am having lackluster, flat, and anxious feelings. Feeling sorry for myself.

I know this will pass, I am just feeling a low this morning.

Nothing has changed really, the schedule stays the same unless bf can add extra hours at his workplace. If he does that, judge agreed to have BM pick up kid from school (that one time a week). Otherwise we are stuck with the Tuesday night exchange drama, indefinete holiday and vacation schedule dictated by BM. Vacations, holidays and B-days were not specified in the agreement; since it would have cost too much (according to BF) to have the lawyer work it out.

His CS was reduced by $150. That's good news.
But he is pissed that I am not excited enough. Well, honestly he is not excited himself, why should I be. None of the scheduling drama was resolved. $2500 later, it's the same. Except for the CS change.

I dunno if I can imagine myself dealing with his lack of assertiveness for the rest of my life. I feel like he just wants to go with the flow, he does not have the drive to better his life by claiming his rights and sorting things out so they are more clear.

I am sorry to be so harsh. Last night I had this dream that I was in at this beach and I saw a lover (dream lover) who was my lover only, no ex drama and kid drama and we were there for each other and it was just him and I and I felt so free and happy. I woke up and the feeling of despair set in as soon as I opened my eyes. I realized I will never have that, and I have to battle for every inch of my needs. I will have to battle to belong and have to fight for my needs met for EVERYTHING. Otherwise it would be swept aside in this chaotic madness. I felt cornered, unloved and not be able to be my best. Horrible feeling set in, like I am battling something bigger than I can fight. The good feeling from the dream evaporated real quick. What to do?

Is there something wrong with me? Am I the one that's never pleased? It seems like my bf suggest that.

Do you guys ever feel this way? I even feel guilty for feeling this way sometimes....