Have you tried & how'd it turn out???
Long story very very short version...BM has had 7 yrs of unstable behavior. Inconsistent visitation, past prescription pill abuse, etc. However, over the past year to year and few months she hasn't shown any drug abuse behavior that we have noticed, she's held the same job, been more consistent in visitation. DH and I are sure this is because SS14 is desperate to go live with her. SS14 has spent the past 7yrs making our home a living hell because all he has ever wanted is to live with BM.
Here is where the questions start: SS14 is on track to pass his current grade level instead of being placed the next level up for the first time this year due to being placed in a new program in our school system (not offered in BM's school system). SS14 is finally making a few friends in school. I think all of this is coming about due to him maturing and growing up a little. I think with more time things would continue to get better and better.
In the past I have always tried to keep SS in our home because of safety & stability, and I am still concerned a little, but TBH he makes everyone in our home miserable because he doesn't want to be there. I don't know what DH wants...I think he feels guilty for wanting SS to go live with BM.
I have offered the idea to BM & DH that perhaps they should give it a trial run this summer for a month. Let SS (and BM since she hasn't had the responsibility of the skids in 8yrs) see if living together full time is really what they both want and can handle on a regular basis...without calling DH because SS is bored or BM has to work so she needs to bring him home.
I'm really looking for some feed back on anyone who has tried this scenario and how it turned out?
I do understand "summer life"
I do understand "summer life" isn't the same as real life, but honestly I guess I am hoping that the 30 days will show BM she doesn't really want even that responsibility much less the real responsibility. I'm also hoping it will show SS how much better his life with DH and I really is.
You raise another factor in this situation. BM & her SO live with his parents. They don't have a place of their own. However, there is room for SS in that home, but over the years when BM & SO fight - BM gets kicked out and has to go stay somewhere else until they make-up. Again, things have been different over the past year + few months...but I worry about the "what if's"...but then SS comes back from his weekend with BM and is an absolute terror yesterday and this morning, I want to just send him anyway, then I feel guilty (the way I think DH does). IT'S SO CONFUSING! How do you deal with a kid that's hell bent on making everyone suffer until he gets what he wants, when all we're trying to do is protect him. He is not a baby, he's almost 14 years old & legally in our state a judge would allow him to state where he wants to live - although given BM's past probably wouldn't grant SS's wishes.
Based on everyone's responses it looks like letting him go...summer or during the actual school year is the only thing we can do. But what if he drops out of school & does nothing with his life (like BM & SO), DH feels responsible because he doesn't have to allow this - we could continue to suffer until he's 18yo and then we've done all we could to prevent that from happening? SEE CONFUSED AGAIN. :?
You maybe absolutely right
:jawdrop: You maybe absolutely right "basic rotten kid/behavior" because he does know...everything, and we have had open communication (DH, myself & even BM & myself) with both skids. He just doesn't care. He is extremely lazy, at school & home. He feels like we are harder on him that the other 3 children in the home, but really we are not, they do what they are supposed to at school and home so therefore there are no consequences for them to suffer. He sees BM & SO living off someone else (her SO doesn't work & BM only working the last year or so), when he goes for the EOW visits it's all fun & whatever he wants to do, no responsibilities. It's a culmination of it all. He truly believes living there with BM full time will be like it is EOW. BM says she has explained it will not, but BM isn't very good at sticking to her word & SS knows this. So in his mind he is thinking "yeah, I'll move in with BM and I can miss school like I use to because she believes me every time I tell her my head, throat, finger, toe (you get the point) hurts. Then I can go outside and play with my friends...at SM & DD's I can't go outside and play if I miss school because I'm sick, but BM will let me." I can just hear the wheels in his little minds turning...he is a manipulator for sure. Every phone call/ email from a teacher telling DH and I that SS is in trouble for something, by the time he gets home from school he's already made up a story about how the kid he got in trouble with was doing whatever it was & not him but the teacher thought it was him. Or if it was a fight he got into, it was because that other student was bullying him (probably been bullied 10-15 times in the last 2 years) but never mentions it prior to the fight day to us or the teachers/admins at school...not to mention he is the instigator at home. For all these reasons the STEP part of me wants him to go live with BM - but the MOTHER part of me is worried that it's the worst thing in the world for this kid because he already has so many of BM's tendencies.
In the past, BM has been like
In the past, BM has been like that. Always looking for a reason to start an argument or drama with someone/anyone. Typically it would be with DH or myself over the skids. I think the only reason she isn't right now is she's hoping to get SS to live with her (no CS if each parent has one of the skids - she's trying to get out of paying
).
SS has so many behaviors/characteristics that I've seen in BM over time, I just wonder if there is any point in continuing to try with this one? When DH & I married; SS was 6yo & SD was 7yo. After almost 8yrs of living with DH & I, in a structured environment, being taught the value of hard work, morals, all the things we've taught SD, @ 14 & 15 they are as different as their parents. Sometimes I honestly believe it's in his DNA to be like BM & no matter how hard DH & I try to teach him so that he can have a better life than that, it's not going to change his outcome. Am I wrong...is it still early enough for him that one day he may wake up and change or is DNA inevitable and more than likely he is a product of his BM & SD is going to be a product more of DH's DNA???
How did you get to the point
How did you get to the point that you let him go knowing yourself that your ex was a "crazy violent mother trucking piece of pottutti"...that's the part that scares me to death & I think it scares my DH too. Knowing that there's a history of addiction that could reoccur at any moment, that BM could be kicked out of the house she shares with her SO & his parents and SS would have to be part of all that & BM may not let us know because she would fear him having to come back to live with us & SS wouldn't tell us because he would fear for his BM. How do you get to the point that you let that kid make that decision...I get there sometimes (but only when I am angry over something he has done to us purposely) then I feel all this guilt for wanting him to see what life with her would really be like, because I know it would be horrible. Then there is the fear if I resolve myself to that decision, for me there would be no turning back until that "30 days" is up (unless there are extenuating circumstances - abuse, neglect, etc)...but I don't know if DH would stand as firm. I guess that's where he and I would have to talk about this before we allowed it to take place and talked about it with BM & SS, huh?
I believe you're right, but I
I believe you're right, but I don't know if BM will last that long. I also don't know if it really is the best thing for SS. BM is just now holding a job for the first time in almost 8 years. Her SO doesn't work, his parents are also in the home (and as I replied to someone earlier - when BM & SO argue - she gets kicked out of the home and has to find somewhere else to stay until things cool off & they make up). None of this is good for SS to be around, but making our home miserable isn't good for the rest of us. This morning he was completely disrespectful to me, DH leaves for work an hour before the rest of the house gets up, and I told him if he didn't want to be at our home that was fine but he would not treat me that way in my home and until someone came to pick him up if he ever disrespected me again he could call the police to come pick him up and wait for someone to pick him up from the jail. I have DS15, DD15, SD15 & none of them have ever talk to me or treated me the way SS14 does. I know it's all because he wants to live with his BM, I will not try to stop it from happening if DH & BM agree to give it a try, but until then something has to give with this kids attitude & I don't know where to turn.
Past behavior is the best
Past behavior is the best predictor of future performance. BM will not succeed in parenting the SKid. Period. Her past behavior makes that nearly a foregone conclusion.
As for SS-14... kids don't get a say. Period. Parents, particularly the quality parent in the situation makes the decisions and the kid does what the kid is told.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.