Had a conversation with ss. This is concerning right?
Ss16 hates dw (her ex boyfriend was molesting him, and the scumbag would tell ss that dw "knew about it"). The only person in the house he will assoicate with his me, he won't look at dw, won't talk to her. Complete radio slience on his half. Ss was seeing a wide range of professionals to help him overcome the trauma and help him realize what happened to him wasn't his fault. He agrees what happened wasn't his fault at all. He blames dw!. To everyone else, he's a smart, caring, respectable kid, but to dw he'very ice like (has zero empathy for her). When it's just me and him, he's very happy and warm teenager, but when Dw enters the room, his whole demeanour changes. Dw is heart broken that her only son wants noting to do with her(I've seen her pratically beg ss just to listen to her, he refuses), but she is happy that he's so close to me.
Just the other day, I went out to walk the dog and ss usually joins me. As we were walking, we walked past a park and by the looks of it there was a birthday party going on. We walk past a bench, and we overhear (what i'm assuming was the bday boys mother) saying that she's so fortunate to have her son. As we for further away, ss laughs and asked me if I heard what that woman said? I told him that I did and he just chukles. Asked him what was funny and his response (don't remember exactly what it went something like this)
"She said that she considers herself fortunate to have kids. It's not that hard to have kids. What's hard is looking after your kids and making sure that their safe. Some mom's care about their kids and would to whatever it takes to protect them, and there's some who could are less about what happends to their kids."
I told him that all naturally love their kids, and would do anything to to ensure that they're safe, his response "Not All of them. Some moms are noting but disappointments"
P.s Bio dad has been M.I.A for seven years. Ss consideres and calls me dad.
He hates his mother
He hates his mother and will not have anything to do with her because he thinks she knew about the molestation? Does he base that solely on the fact that the man who molested him told him so? Have you ever asked him directly why he puts so much faith in the words of someone who abused him? It makes sense that he would say that his mother knew and was OK with it so he could isolate the child and keep doing what he was doing. Surely SOMEONE has told him that at some point! What is he getting out of continuing to blame his motherto such an extreme extent? Something is not adding up.
I agree!!
I have asked him many times why he puts so much faith in his abuser, all he says is that "she knew" and he ends the conversation. A lot of people have told him that, but he still claims that dw knew. He says it such conviction too. It really does believe dw knew and she let it happened and dw will say that she didn't.
I agree with you. Something isn't adding up, but ss will never talk about it.
He blames his mother because
He blames his mother because even if she didn't know, she is the one who brought the creep into her son's life. He probably feels that she should have been more careful of who she let around her son and been a better judge of character. Perhaps he feels that she was more concerned about being with someone, than she was concerned about her own son's welfare. A parent is supposed to protect their children and he feels that she didn't do that.
This. Sorry you are dealing
This. Sorry you are dealing with the fallout, but your wife IS also responsible for what happened to her son in her own home.
Hopefully one day the kid can resolve his anger.
One can only imagine what the
One can only imagine what the dirtbag abuser put his mother thru. Its a shame that SS is so stubborn with his attitude, hopefully it will thaw eventually and not after a beating from Karma.
Anyone ask him what headgames the abuser played on his mother to keep them around long enough for the abuse to happen? If I remember your other post, she left him asap when she found out. Its not like she stuck around to allow it happen longer.
Perhaps you can gently
Perhaps you can gently mention to him that abusers like to alienate their victims from their families and loved ones so they have no one left but their abusers. By him icing his mother out completely he is still letting his abuser "win" the mind games he played with him. The best revenge, and because he is a young teen boy with a lot of anger so I know that's a goal in his head, is to show his mother forgiveness and live happier wit his new step than he ever did with that abuser. That would be him winning and healing.
I mean it makes sense for the boy to hate his mother. He is angry and there is no one he can lash out against now that the abuser is removed from him. I am really shocked you are not the target but I am glad for you all the same because that would have been a huge mountain to climb stepwise. He is exacting his anger on her because it is giving him a sense of power to inflict misery on someone else finally.
I would approach it from him
I would approach it from him that he needs to let go of the hate for his sake - not hers. He does not ever have to accept her. That should not be the goal. He needs to get to indifference not hate for his own well being.
Maybe bringing someone that horrible into his life is something he will never get past. But he needs to let go of the animosity and hate that will eat him up inside. I have never been abused, but I've had some people do some horrible things to me. I've learned to just pretend like they do not exist.
Right now he is still a child who suffered horrendous abuse - because his mother let this man into his life. I don't blame him for not being forgiving. Maybe later he can be. It's too early now.
Is your goal to mend the
Is your goal to mend the relationship between SS and DW? I just don’t know how you’re feeling about it and what your goal is.
Unfortunately, there are
Unfortunately, there are women who do not protect their kids... even when they know.. or should be aware of what is happening. So, did your wife know? Were there clues? Did her son complain to her and she brushed his complaint aside? Or was she clueless.. busy at work.. or whatever and have no idea what was happening?
Whatever the situation, it's clear that she and her son should be continuing counseling... both together and apart.
It sounds like you are doing the right things from your point of view... but healing this rift is probably something that needs professional intervention at this point.
is he
Is your ss in any type of victims counselling? He has a lot of anger that he needs to get out. He is a victim who feels betrayed by the person who was supposed to look out for him and protect him.