Full time step mom having a rough time
Hi guys. I'm a full time step mom to a nine year old girl. I've been married to my husband just over six months and we've been together a total of almost three years. I'm having a really rough time recently. I am thinking I made a mistake marrying into this situation. My step daughter's mom has been giving us a hard time. It's a long story but she was absent for four years and decided to come back into the picture when my step daughter was six, and shortly after I met my husband. But lately her mom has just been accusing us of being bad parents for various things and trying to act like she knows best. This is particularly hard for me because BM doesn't pay child support, barely spends time with my SD on her visitation weekends and doesn't call in between visits. One thing that's been hard for me is the lack of "Mom" title. I do EVERYTHING. Some of you I know your skids naturally take to calling you mom and I think those women are SO lucky. My step daughter has been told she can call me mom but she doesn't want to. We have an excellent relationship and I know she loves me very much. I get that I can't force her to call me mom. I've told her I know her mom is important to her and I would never take her place. But I am just SO so so so down about doing EVERYTHING for her that a mom does and I don't get the title. It's been hard lately. Does anyone have any advice? I don't have any biological children of my own. I hope to one day but I know I'll be so emotionally ruined when my bio kid calls me by my first name because that's what my step daughter calls me. Thanks for your time.
Thank you all for any
Thank you all for any positive and encouraging input.
I too was a custodial
I too was a custodial step-mom. It would be best if you realized now that being a step-mom is not just a thankless job but one that causes resentment when you do a great job. BM resents you for doing her job (even though she didn't want it) & Skids resent you for trying to replace their mom. You will never be Mom. Best you realize that now.
I thought my SD20 and had a good relationship. DH & I raised her to be a responsible caring contributing member of society. She quit school, ran off to BM's to live on her couch and work a dead-end job. "Mom loves me & you guys expect too much."
As women we often jump feet first into being the "mom of the family." I think the best thing you can do for all involved is let Dad be the parent. Contribute as you want but he must do the bulk of the parent things - homework, rules, etc. Knowing you are not mom does give you some breathing room - you can enjoy and not be responsible.
Best of luck.
He does all the communication
He does all the communication and I try hard not to be dramatic actually. The situation is tough.
One day you will be glad she
One day you will be glad she doesn't call you that. Especially in public.
Read the Adult and Teen forums.
Best of luck to you.
Why can't we subvert the
Why can't we subvert the dominant paradigm? Why do second partners need to be seen as step anything or mommy/daddy substitutes? I'm fine with being acknowledged by my first name, which would be a giant positive step since the skid doesn't refer to me as anything, but at least he's started to say hello... after two years of me being nothing but nice to him.
Having skids is basically a subversion of how biology is supposed to work. So don't beat yourself up about the skid clinging to her BM. If anything, I just laugh at the skid's devotion to his worthless BM (when he's not around of course). Unfortunately, in most cases you can't override that biological connection no matter how awful the birth parents are. The BM could be a crack whore, but the skid would still feel loyalty toward her. As a result, I prefer to just disengage and go skiing, or running, or being anywhere else other than my house when the skid is there. Tough to do when you have full custody I know. Perhaps you can talk with you husband about the situation and try to minimize the damage to yourself.
I feel the same way sometimes because I'm dealing with a BM who is completely incompetent as a parent in most respects. Her main achievement has been keeping the skid alive for the past 6 years. I must say that therapy has actually begun to help my husband and me. Maybe it could help your situation as well.
Best of luck in whatever you decide to do.
I'm sorry that your step
I'm sorry that your step child wouldn't even acknowledge you for a long time. I'm sure that must have been difficult. Thanks for your honest response and giving your example of how you cope. I hope or wish I might some day be able to laugh off her devotion to her mother as well.
Wow ok I think posting here
Wow ok I think posting here was wrong. You all are very harsh. Not really the support I was looking for. Christ.
You understand that I said in
You understand that I said in my post that I was having a really rough time? So I am supposed to what? Accept the bitter truth that you all want to dole out? I'm sure everyone here has it all figured out and has the same exact situation that I have right? I am sorry that your step daughter turned on you over night, that is truly unfortunate. That doesn't mean my situation will be the same. I guess I was just looking for people to affirm that these feelings are normal, not that I shouldn't feel them. I think it's a terrible thing to tell someone basically that they're stupid for feeling the way they do, it's just plain rude. IF you don't want to help, why comment? I am torn up over this. I love my husband, I love my step daughter- but I am having strong feelings that I don't know what to do with.
The majority of the people
The majority of the people that post here are unhappy with their step situation/marriage. I raised my stepsons (2) with an absent biomom and had a child 3 years after we married. The best situation you can hope for is for biomom to disappear. In my opinion, if she had a support order against her, her "attitude" would be checked. It is great leverage of hold over non-paying dead beats.
When I had my son, I was also concerned about him calling me by my name. That did not happen and in fact, that is when my stepsons referred to me a "mom". There was never an issue with my first name/Mom, I personally had no issue with it.
My husband was/is very supportive of me and my role in his ready made family. It wasn't all roses, but my stepsons are now 21 and 22 and they are my kids-regardless of who birthed them- and they will tell you the same.
You have only been married for 6 months, give it some time and put yourself in the child's shoes. Your Mom should always be there for you. If there is ONE PERSON on this earth who would die for you, it should be your mother. Unfortunately, your SD has a loser BM, like my SSs do, and it really breaks my heart looking back on their childhood without a Mom. Can you imagine that? She is probably crushed on the inside.
I was young when I married and became a stepmom, way too young. 19 years later things are clearer to me, and I realize how unrealistic my expectations were. I do harbor some guilt over that.
Good luck to you.