I'm a bit curious what the medical and behavioral issues are that this child cannot go to daycare?  If daycare is not an option what about a babysitter or nanny type situation?  You should not be quitting your job to take care of his child.  And it's also not your job to pay for all the expenss of the house if he decides to quit his job.  

That would be a big fat no for me. Working isn't just about the money. He should go after the BM for child supportb like NOW! No, you're not being selfish to not want to give up your life in the outside world to take care of someone else's child. What would your husband do if you weren't there?

I also suggest you check out the daycare situation. Many are well equipped to take care of children with special needs. Don't give up on that front. Also, check that there isn't assistance offered for children like your SS. The situation might not be as black-and-white as your husband thinks ...

You said DH is likely to get full time custody and that you are not bonded with SS. Is there a current custody order? How is custody apportioned now?

I would not advise giving up your job. DH needs to explore daycare options. Daycare should be be available.  Is SS getting early intervention services? My niece had medical issues. Her mom worked. Niece went to the daycare recommended by early intervention where she received services while there.

You have been married a relatively short period of time and don't have any kids with this guy.   I fail to see why "his" emergency has to become YOUR problem?

If he were single, he would not have the luxury of just staying at home would he?  No.. he would find the best daycare situation possible and make it work.  He would rely on his own family and perhaps BM's to help with childcare as well.  Technically his EX should be paying CS.. but I'm guessing with her issues that is an unlikely prospect.. and if she did pay.. it would be pretty small.

But, this is where you get to make your own choice in things.  Do you want to be a fill in mommy to a kid with issues that will be in your life for over a decade?  Do you want to give up your own financial independance? Do you want to be under your DH's control like that?  He honestly sounds kind of overbearing with his solution being "you" to HIS problems.

In your situation, I could see some things being worse than divorce court and that would be to be saddled with watching his kid cut off from any financial independance preventing you from leaving if the relationship goes badly or he becomes abusive etc..

This is his issue to fix.  The boy CAN be in daycare.. his dad CAN get him evaluated and see what resources are available locally.. perhaps there is some assistance in daycare for special needs kids he would qualify for?  He doesn't get to just throw the kid at you and make it your responsibility to fix it.  

His other option is not to stay home with his child... but to figure out how to get his kid the help and support he needs.. if that means working MORE hours to afford it.. fine.

You have to decide if this level of drama is worth it to you.  Is the juice worth the squeeze?

What does your DH do? Can he get a gig working from home, or get on a shift at work where he works opposite what you do? It's not ideal that you'd have to give up your time to take care of the kid, but it would mean you don't give up your job.

And for the love of all that is good and holy, DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR CAREER, INCOME, AND EXPERIENCE. It sounds like this could be a short-term problem where SS may get to a stage where daycare is an option is a year or two. But the person who needs to take the year or two hit is your DH. It may be "easier" for you to quit, but it's not good for you, so don't do it. Your DH has options - including finding an at-home daycare with fewer kids and switching around his job. If you quit, he won't find a better solution, and he won't be incentivized to get his son whatever medical or behavioral health he needs because the problem will look fixed.

Don't stop working

 HIS child is HIS responsibility, financially and otherwise.  Leave it to him to figure out the solution.

And please do not have another baby with this man until he proves he can step up and take care of this child.

Please listen to all the advice.  This is your DH problem to fix.  You can be a supportive partner by helping out in an emergency but you can't be asked to quit your job to be a full time unpaid nanny.

...so you have not had a chance to really learn about step life. There is a lot of good advice here and a lot you can learn.

Many times we find that new posters are given very good advice but they often disappear when others tell them some cold, hard facts. I hope that won't be the case with you and that you truly open up your mind to what others are telling you.

Your DH went from one relationship right into another one. (His child was 4 months old when you married.) This is very troubling on its own. 

I will be honest and tell you that I think you've been taken for a ride. I think your DH knows you are a kind and caring person and he is taking advantage of it. Telling you to stay home and raise HIS child is beyond nerve - it's completely WRONG.

You are 40 years old which means you should be at the peak earning years of your life. That impacts your Social Security input, your retirement account and your savings. Listen very carefully...

A bad decision you make now will affect YOU for the rest of your life. It may make the difference between living in comfort and enjoying your old age ... or living alone in poverty. And yes, I mean ALONE. Don't count on your DH to be there.

In fact, were I you, I'd be filing for divorce. The mere fact that he expects you to take care of(his parental responsibilities (financial and otherwise) and to SACRIFICE yourself, shows he does not care much for you. 

I would rather be alone the rest of my life than spend one more day with a selfish, self-centered man who demanded such sacrifice from me. 

Welcome to Steptalk.

Hang in there. Everyone gave you great advise and wisdom.

Please keep us posted.

Curious, what did DH say would happen IF you didnt quit your job?

DO NOT give up your job.  You've been married only a short time, you have not lived full time with this SS and you have no idea how it's going to go.  The last thing you want is to not have options, and giving up your livelihood seriously affects your future options.  Your husband's son is NOT your problem to figure out - it's his.  He may need to bring in a nanny, work a different shift, find a job he can do from home, enlist family members or find a daycare that can deal with his child's issues.  The fact that his go-to response to this is for YOU to give up your job and become his unpaid full time caregiver is not good.  The fact that his other alternative is for you to fully support the family is just as bad.  You need to tell him to keep thinking until he comes up with a better plan.  If he tries to gaslight you by telling you you're being unreasonable, or if he threatens the marriage, you will know for sure you're doing the right thing by refusing to give up your livelihood for his child.  You'll already be making huge sacrifices and changes by taking the child into your home full time.

I agree with the other posters.  Your DH needs to be the one responsible for his child.  If there is suspicion for behavioral issues, the child needs a medical evaluation and depending on what they're looking for, it may take several visits or possibly a specialist before a diagnosis/treatment plan is rendered.  I agree with other posters that children at that age do put everything in their mouths and it is not unusual for kids to have many colds a year, especially when around other children.  But, if the child's behavior seems off, please get the child medically evaluated.

You need to think long and hard about your situation.  If your DH is expecting you to carry the load now, whether it is caring for his child full-time or supporting him while he stays home, it is unlikely to improve and you may find yourself resentful and angry.  Also, depending on what happens, you may run into a situation where this child becomes an adult but fails to launch.  Do you want to raise someone's adult child the rest of your life?  I know that's a little way down the road, but it is a distinct possibility.  I feel that your husband's behavior has red flags written all over it.  Please don't ignore those warnings.  I waited and now am in my mid 40s, having to start my life over.  Don't wait.  Again, think about the situation and what steps you want to take to make sure you are happy and treated fairly.

Please keep us posted! 

Would be a HARD pass, for me.

He needs to figure something else out, just like he would if he were single.

This child is NOT your problem, plain and simple. This is totally your husband's issue to sort out.

I am gobsmacked at his entitled attitude and controlling behavior..

Please read all the great replies you've had on this thread and take note of the very good advice.

Please!

As a person who has experienced domestic violence, it would be a cold day in Hades before I would ever be financially dependent on a man.

Please, don't do it.  Even emotional abuse is a danger.

Your heroin addict breeding DH is the problem here and he needs to resolve the toddler care issue.

DO NOT END YOUR CAREER for this extremely troubled gene pool.  

And.... do not be the sole means of support for DH and his child.  DH needs to engage care and pay for it.  With a special needs toddler, there are likely any number of support agency options for DH to engage for the care of his son.

Knowing he had a son before marrying is irrelevant to this issue.  You have raised yours, your DH needs to raise his.  If he cannot do that and be your equity life partner, up your standards in a husband and find one who does not demand that you quit your child to care for his failed family progeny or pay for him to slack off and quit his equitable career.

IMHO of course.

Your husband wants... Your husband says... Are you in a partnership or a dictatorship? And what would your husband do if you weren't in the picture?

People with special-needs children find lots of ways to work it out. Could be the best thing for the child would be to attend a preschool designed for special needs kids. (But first step is to take him to the doc to see if his medical and behavioral issues are of concern -- could be normal, or could be a wait and watch situation.)

Do NOT let him tell you what you should and shouldn't do, how you should and shouldn't feel, or threaten consequences if you don't do what he wants you to do. That's not what love looks like.  There is no shame in not wanting to quit your job to take care of the child. First step is a medical evaluation though.

Like all the other posters said, do NOT give up your career.  Work provides money, retirement funds, independence, enhance self esteem and expand social networks. Do NOT take that away from yourself. You are a wife which means you are a partner in the relationship - equal voice. But the only one who can take away your career is you.  Do not do that to yourself. 

welcome to ST.  please dont be scared off from the responses on here ,, they can be blunt and straight to the point , but they are also giving you an insight into what steplife is.  You are basically being blackmailed into quitting your job or finacially providing for the household ,,either way nothing that your DH said has your feelings or best interest at heart, think carefully about this ,,,where is your well-being considered in all of this ? it not!  i garentee that if the situation was reversed ,, your DH would not do either.  dont quit your job and do not agree to solely provide for them ,, hes meant to be a grown ass man , but hes acting like a sulking little shit.   he needs to work it out himself , just because you have a uterus doesnt mean you are to raise his child.  he had sex , he got someone pregnant , he can figure it out by himself. end of story 

You say bio mum is a mess, assumedly before you got married so did your husband know before wedding he was likely gonna have to take full custody because of her financial situation and ongoing issues? Did he advise you of this? Did he assume pre-wedding knowing it was coming the day he would be having sole or primary custody, that he would pressure you into quitting your job or be a stay at home surrogate mummy for his kid? 
 

clearly this was all not communicated to you beforehand. Plenty just assume new spouse will slot in as surrogate parent but is it possible he knew all along this day was coming and thought maybe if i marry her, she'll be the dutiful wife and blindly follow what i say and tell her to do??

many things to address here but you need to ask yourself these things. You are never financially responsible for another person's kid ever!! Just because bio mum is a mess is not an excuse, its a total copout to absolve her of any responsibility 

DH wants you to quit your job. To take care of his 16 Month old DS. Who has issues?   Why is this your problem?  Did he ask you for advice before making that baby with BM ?  Did he ask you for advice before divorcing BM.  Is it your fault BM is a loser. 

Why is it that only you can solve this problem?  Why do you have to make major changer in your life ?  Why are you going to have to give up your future for a kid that must have major problems.  Can't be control at 16 months?   It's your DH problem. Not yours. He must fine a way to take care of his kid.  Why doesn't he sit home taken car of the kid cook and clean. And work an night.  Too tough for him. It's easer for him to go to work and hang out with the boys and girls then take care of his son

Hate to tell you this. Hope it not right. But the way your DH is acting,  don't think this marriage is going to last forever.  Unless you like being second or third in his life.  I know you want to be the good wife. I know you love your DH.  But does he love you?  Why is the first thing out of his mouth. Is you quit your job and play happy family with my DS. That is his picture of happy family. If you are asking this question.  It's not your picture of happy family