First Timer to Forum and step parenting
I'll make this brief but do appreciate any advice.
First off, I am soon to be married for the 2nd time to a woman who I love deeply and she returns my love in kind. She has 2 teenage boys (15,17) and I have 2 daughters (20,22).
We live with her boys and my daughters are independent young women who live on their own with minimal help from me and BM. They are about a 7 hour drive away from us.
I only see my daughters 3 or 4 times a year for 2-3 days per visit.
Here is my issue, When one of my daughter's visit I like to spend time together with them and my soon to be wife and her sons. I also like to have alone time with my daughter to just catch up and talk. My soon to be wife sends me subtle and not so subtle hints that this bother's her and that by my having this alone time I am playing favorites or in some manner being rude. Yesterday, my daughter and I spent the day together shopping and having dinner while she was at work and boys at school. When we got home, my soon to be new wife was playing cards with her once a month group at another home and her eldest son was watching TV. We checked in with him and told him we were going to hang out in another room. He was cool with that. At 1030 pm I left my daughter to go pick up my 15 yo step son from a basketball game and brought him home. My soon to be wife was in bed when we got back home and I said good night to to kids and went to bed. I could tell she was annoyed about something, so I asked and she said that I act differently around her kids when mine are there and her boys notice it. She then rolled over and fell asleep.
Nothing was said this morning about it including our usual I love you send offs. Not sure how to feel or what to say tonight. We have planned a family night at home, making dinner and playing cards. I am a little upset by her attitude but don't want to make a mountain out of a mole hill. Advice?
Thanks for the quick
Thanks for the quick reply!
My fiancee and I spent all day Saturday out shopping and then dinner out. On Friday night we went out to dinner with another couple. On Wednesday of last week I took her out to dinner because she and the boys where fighting and I could tell she needed some space. The week before she was under the weather on Friday so I took the boys out for dinner and trivia night at a local restaurant. 2 weeks ago, I bought her eldest his first car. I think I do alot and am balanced and am not sure about her protectionism of her kids. I don't get to see my girls often and when I do I want to spend some alone time with them. Not the whole time they are visiting but just some. Tonight we are doing a family night at home with me making dinner and then a board game.
I will talk to her about this and let her know that I am "uncomfortable" when she reacts to my need to spend time with my daughter(s) in a negative manner.
Given that you only see them
Given that you only see them a couple of days a year, I don't understand what the big deal is. If this was happening every weekend, then I could understand her feeling slighted, but 3-4 times a year?
I agree with Finey, sit down and have a talk with her.
Yes - Let it go. When my
Yes - Let it go. When my SK's are here, my husband does act differently. I had to point it out several times and now he is a lot better. For you, your daughters are not here very often, so I would just do the best you can and let it go.
They are your kids and they are hers, it will always be different. It is just how everyone accepts it that matters. Take what your wife has said and recognize it. It may be over sensitivity on her part or it may be that you treat her kids differently. Just be aware of it and that is half the battle...
All great advice, Thanks!
All great advice, Thanks!
I'll come back on tommorrow and let you all know how it went tonight.
"When you shop all day with
"When you shop all day with your daughter you could come home wtih something "small" for your fiance, a nice little "I was thinking of you too" token."
Hmmm I agree w/the rest of the post but not this-i mean time and time again we see on the board that we shouldn't indulge daughter/children jealousy w/this kind of tit for tat giving...that each person knows their place and needs to deal w/their own emotions about dad having a relationship w/smom or skids...it could be he acts different but honestly if it's only a couple times a year I think the fiance is really acting irrationally here and a talk is in order.
I also think it's jealousy that she and HER kids aren't having 100pct of your attention a few times a year. That kind of demand and expectation can put a severe strain on any relationship IMO.
I think your DW is just
I think your DW is just jealous. Women tend to be jealous creatures and even though they are your daughters we get jealous of them anyway. We don't want our men hanging with any other women but us. It is just in our nature.
Interesting viewpoints! I
Interesting viewpoints! I never looked at it this way, but it does seem to fit. I'm not sure buying her something is the right thing to do. I'll talk to her, we are good at talking things out.
She said that her boys noticed I act different when my daughters are with me. I would say, yes I do. They are adult women who aren't interested in sports or fart stories like teenage boys.
Should I ask them what they notice?
Last night went well. We made
Last night went well.
We made a nice homemade dinner with my daughter and step son's helping make the meal along with my fiance and I. We sat around the table and laughed and shared stories of our day. They went to the mall after dinner and my fiance and I had a chat.
We talked back and forth with emotions being kept in check as much as possible. I explained to her that I spend all of my time with her and her boys and when my daughters are here I want to spend focused time with them. I said that I love her and the boys but I also love my daughters and when they are here I want to catch up and reconnect with them. I said it probably feels different for you because when they are not here my attention is totally focused on you and the boys. When they are here my attention is on them, not to the exclusion of you and the boys, but including them which feels different for you. I said that sometimes I am totally focused on you, sometimes the boys, and when my daughters are her on them. I said it is not for 100% of their visit but certainly during their first day visiting I am going to be focused on them. I said that if she is not willing to share me with my girls when they are visiting then this is a deal breaker for me. I told her I love her and this is new to all of us, but we need to be flexible. I said that at times when she is spending time alone with the boys I can feel excluded and like an outsider and that it brings up feelings of jealousy in me. I let it pass, knowing that it is irrational and I get over it. I don't make her feel guilty about wanting to spend time with her boys and she should not do the same when I am with my daughters. I have had more practice at letting it go and she will get used to it with an understanding of her feelings.
She agreed that this was the case with her and felt better having talked it out. We both promised to be aware of our feelings and to not be so reactionary when we are each spending time with our kids. Our time with our birth children is not meant to signal a lack of love for the others kids it is simply and act of love and that our love is balanced between the kids and that sometimes 1 child is getting more attention than the others and then it will swing the other way. When my daughters are with us my attention will be on them early in the visit. We hugged and then snuggled on the couch waiting for the kids to return. Peace has settled back into the household