My DH and I went to see a marriage counselor today for the first time. We have had a rocky couple of years, and the catalyst is how he parents, or does not parent, SD15.  Even before we got married I saw that he catered to her. There were not really any rules, no punishments, no expectations.  Fortunately she is mostly a good kid, the worst from her is attitude and entitlement, and her parents have allowed her to be on their level.  She and I got along great in the beginning, but as teen years came and I watched her being disrespectful with no consequences, I started to pull back.  If I had a request that could be seen as remotely negative (like rinsing off her plates or not flooding the bathroom floor), it turned into a battle with DH.  It became a snowball of resentment and repeating patterns - something would happen that I didn't like so I withdraw, DH is annoyed that I am unhappy so he shuts down by ignoring the problem and acting like nothing is wrong, eventually enough time goes by that I can get past it and then we do move forward like nothing is wrong. But it piles up so the next time something happens, it feels worse.  I reached breaking point a couple weeks ago, and DH brought up counseling and actually made the appointment.   Turns out the counselor is a step mom in the middle of a rocky situation herself.  It was truly amazing to hear things I have been feeling come out of someone else's mouth - that if the married couple is not first priority, everything else crumbles, stepparents tend to get all of the blame and none of the recognition, bioparents tend to side with their kids and hide things from stepparents, which creates an us vs them mentality.  I was actually thinking that DH would not want to go back to her since she was clearly saying things that were supporting my view, but she also acknowledged the terribly hard spot that he is in - he doesn't want to lose his wife or his daughter, and h3 has a ton of responsibility riding on him.  She didn't give any magic fixes, and actually said that there is a good chance that either SD is going to withdraw if he puts some changes in place, or I am if he doesn't.   But he said to me after that he took a lot of things she said to heart, and that he is seeing things that he didn't want to acknowledge before.  That helps me just to know that. I don't know what the outcome is going to be, but we are going back next week and we both want to try.  I feel better just knowing that hearing it from someone else has helped him hear me better, and understand that I am not just trying to be difficult or that I hate his daughter.  Hopefully we can find ways to work on this so that we don't lose her or each other.