First post (girlfriend & SS recently moved in)
Forums:
My post keeps getting swallowed into the ether. I saw in another comment that I should try posting longer texts only in the comment section, so I'll try that... Apologies if this doesn't work and I end up cluttering up the forum!
I think it worked! So here is
I think it worked!
So here is my original post:
+++
Hi all!
I'm relatively new, but I've lurked a little and hope I have the hang of this place.
Last April my girlfriend moved in with me, along with her son, who is now 3 1/2. I've known her for 10 years (we were friends before we started dating) and have been part of his life since he was a year old, though not in a parenting role at all. She had her son on her own, through artificial insemination, so there's no birth father in the wings or anything.
Lately we've been having increasing problems with behavioural issues with SS. He's a charming, adorable kid, but he's incredibly high-energy and he just. won't. listen. Not to me, not to his mother, not to his preschool teachers. No one. This ranges from small things (not picking up his toys, not coming when told, poor table manners) all the way to unacceptably dangerous behaviour (darting into the street, running away at preschool and hiding while his mother goes frantic with worry, and teasing our household pets who are luckily extremely patient with him).
I'm concerned that part of the problem is that my girlfriend is sending very inconsistent signals about me to SS. She describes me to others as his "co-parent," and in theory I have the same authority she does. In practice, she dismisses most of what I have to say about discipline, and has on more than one occasion snapped at me because I'm too demanding. It's true that I have a much lower level of tolerance for his behaviour than she does. For instance, he can't sit still on the sofa. I ~hate~ having my personal space invaded on a good day, and he's a big kid. If he were to sit nicely while we read and maybe cuddle up, that's fine, but I refuse to be climbed on, poked and kicked by a 40-lb boy because he's fidgeting. None of it is malicious, but that doesn't make it hurt any less when I get his foot in my ribcage. My girlfriend, on the other hand, is happy to sit with him while he squirms and fidgets and sticks his feet in her stomach and other things.
That's one (minor) example. I have a really long list of issues, but I'm pretty sure listing them all right away isn't a good idea. Eye-wink
Whenever I make a suggestion about discipline, I get brushed off. "Oh, that won't work because of $reason." "No, there's no point trying that." "Only you have a problem with that, I don't." My girlfriend was an early childhood care provider before she became pregnant, as was her mother. So she has two generations of 'professional' work to back her up, whereas I have never had kids and was an only child myself. I'm not a mother, so what could I possibly know? As far as she's concerned, anything I have to say has no legitimacy whatsoever, and I think SS has picked up on this, and he listens to me even less than he does her. And that's not even taking into account the tantrums, the disobedience, and the new habit of whining for what he wants and screaming when he doesn't get it.
Because of the constant dismissal of anything I have to say, I've taken a couple of steps back from the parenting aspect of things--only to be met with seething resentment because I'm no longer "helping." I'm the primary wage-earner in the household (my girlfriend doesn't work), and have recently been transferred to a different city. So I have to commute back and forth every 4-5 days on top of working shifts, only to be met with what feels like resentment because she has to do ~all the work~ while I'm gone (at least in her mind). It's not ideal. I'm exhausted due to the commute, everybody is stressed out because I'm only there half the time, and SS and the pets have been acting out more (the pets because they are protesting my absence, and SS most likely because it disrupts his routine).
In short, I'm feeling a little at sea, here. No one else seems to have a story quite like mine, and so I have no idea where to go for advice or information. I don't know how to broach this with my girlfriend, because every time I do she acts as if I have no right to ever be upset or frustrated--only she does. So for now I'm just groping around in the dark, trying to figure out what I can do to make things a little easier. I love my girlfriend and my SS a lot, and apart from his behavioural problems SS is a great kid and I love having us all together. My girlfriend and I want to have more kids in the future, so I want to make sure that there doesn't end up being two standards--one for SS and one for the other kids. I just need better tools (or any tools, at this point) to help turn our newly blended family functional. I desperately want this to work.
Did that make any sense at all? I'm hoping there's at least one other person in a similar boat, here.
Thanks for reading!
~WOSM
Hi! Actually, I'm a
Hi!
Actually, I'm a step-mother.
And I know for sure it's an AI. I've known my girlfriend for 10 years and there is no doubt at all about the process (apart from the fact that my gf is a lesbian and has no interest in having sex with men). The donor is actually pretty well-known for being just that--a donor (he was interviewed on a local TV show about that about a year or so ago). There is a stack of legal paperwork that he and my gf both signed to make sure that sperm donation was his only involvement in the process. He is willing to meet with my SS when he's a teenager if SS has questions, but that's it. No financial or parental responsibility on his end, and that's how everyone wanted it.
~WOSM
Hee! No problem. I re-read my
Hee! No problem. I re-read my post and realised that I never mentioned my gender. The default in society is to assume people are heterosexual, so it's not surprising people assumed I was a guy.
And yes, there is definitely a lot of food for thought in your post. Thank you!
~WOSM
First of all, I think you're
First of all, I think you're funny and very likeable, welcome to the site
Secondly. Have you and your GF tried counselling? Effective communication plays a VERY big part in a successful r/s! (something I have learnt through my own counselling sessions with my SO lol).
Another thing that perhaps you and your GF could consider, is a parenting course. I'm part way through a 14 week course myself (one 3hr class a week), my kids were really good before this course, BUT since doing the course, things in my home have become a thousand times more calmer and efficient!
I wish you the best of luck, I do know how hard it can be to get on the same page as your partner when they have their heads stuck up their butt! (lol, that's how I used to describe my SO)
Thank you so much! I'm not
Thank you so much!
I'm not sure my gf would be open to counselling. As far as she's concerned, there's nothing wrong (well, except for me). She's been an early childhood educator for decades, too, so I doubt she'd take kindly to the suggestion of a parenting course. I'm guessing all she'd hear if I said that was "You're a shitty parent," even if that's not what I intend.
I'm going to have to find a time when we're not both exhausted and stressed to sit down and have a conversation about it with her. I'm just not sure how to broach the topic without her getting defensive and shutting me out.
~WOSM
Hi and welcome. I have 6,4
Hi and welcome. I have 6,4 and 2 year old children and all of the behaviour you describe is perfectly normal at SS's age, kids are cute and engaging at 3 but it is also one of the stages when their enthusiasm, energy and curiosity battle with the boundaries that are being set. It takes a lot of repetition and reinforcement before they 'get it', and even then they will regress at times. It takes a lot of patience and even as a birth parent that can wear thin at times so as a stepparent it's not surprising you're finding it frustrating.
I suspect the friction you're having over roles and discipline is a combination of your gf being a bit too territorial and you being a bit short on patience and experience. I wonder if because your gf had her child independently via ai psychologically she is feels like the one and only parent. Although she tries to think of you as a coparent and has expectations of your role, subconsciously she hasn't let go of being a single parent, and that combined with her greater experience with children is putting you in a difficult position. You maybe need to have a conversation with her about this, or maybe even a few counselling sessions to understand how you're going to work together.
In order to truly coparent you have to let the other person parent even if you dont agree with what they decide in some instances. Otherwise you're not co parenting, you have a parenting hierarchy in which one person overrules the other. The overruled parent is inevitably going to feel resentful and less engaged with the child. I don't always agree with my husbands actions with the children, but I almost always let him get on with it, and then discuss it with him later if I think we should have done something differently. This happened only last night when BS4 got in a strop about reading his story and I felt DH was too impatient and short tempered. I didn't say so, but after BS was in bed I talked to DH about the fact that BS is a bit nervous and shy about learning to read and that was why he got stroppy - DH being irritable didn't help. If I had waded in and started criticising DH in front of BS that would be disastrous - boys often cling to mum at that age and it would set off a divide and conquer dynamic which would make life difficult for everyone.
Thanks! I do know that his
Thanks!
I do know that his behaviours are "normal" for a 3-year-old. He's just so high-energy that everything he does is ramped up to 11 compared to other kids his age. He's what some books euphemistically call a "spirited" child. He has two volumes: loud and asleep. He has two speeds: fast and asleep. He doesn't sit still for anything (even watching a short movie he'll be up and moving off within 15-20 minutes). It's not that he can't focus, because he can. He just has to keep moving all the time.
And I think you're right about my gf still viewing herself as a single parent. She was a single parent much longer than a "co-parent" after all, and she still describes herself that way in public, even though people know we're living together. It's difficult to figure out all the mixed signals, to be honest.
On the plus side, we do try to present a united front to SS. She and I have never openly disagreed about discipline in front of him, which is a good thing. We both understand that he can't receive conflicting messages from us. It's still a struggle for her, though, not to jump in and "protect" him from me.
~WOSM
Thanks for the book
Thanks for the book recommendation! I'll definitely check it out.
I'm trying to figure out a way to broach the subject with my gf without her getting defensive and shutting down the conversation before it has time to even get off the ground.
~WOSM
Hee! No harm. I never did
Hee!
No harm. I never did specify my gender in my original post, so it was easy to assume I was a guy.
~WOSM
Hello WOSM, I've read this
Hello WOSM,
I've read this thread with interest and hope you're coping well. How's it going?
--Snappy