Family Photos with BM
Here is some background of the situation. My boyfriend has a son with a woman he was never married to. His son is 8 and has special needs (hearing impaired, non-verbal). My BF can not have anymore children. BF and I have been together 2.5 years now.
Last week I found out that he is going to get family photos taken with BM. They are dressing in matching outfits and everything. Hearing about it bothered me a lot and I let him know I thought it was weird and that it made me uncomfortable. He said they are doing it so their son can have photos of both parents together. I still don't really understand it but I don't have children of my own or a co-parenting situation so this is all new to me. Has anyone else done this? Is this normal? Is it beneficial to the kids? How do you deal with it as the SO on the outside looking in?
No, it is not normal.
No, it is not normal and no it is not beneficial to his son. Taking a picture with both birth parents at a graduation or wedding is normal, to go take the pictures "just because" is strange. How much time does your boyfriend spend with BM without you?
That's the odd part... before
That's the odd part... before me and during our first year together he had very limited contact with her. Picking up and dropping off. Now they are doing dinner when she drops him off which he has said seems to be strengthening his relationship with his son. I am invited but it will happen whether I am there or not. She has also floated the idea of family trips which thankfully still hasn't happened (I am invited to those as well but again it would likely happen whether I attended or not but hasn't materialized yet). I know they text constantly but it does usually seem to be about the kids. Pics or whether to get the new bicycle. I am trying to be supportive but this is all new to me and like I said I am in no position to relate to it because I unfortunately don't have children of my own to consider.
It is not normal to do "family dinners" either.
It is not normal to do "family dinners" either. Do a gut check - is it possible they are becoming involved again?
It is time for you to decide what boundaries you need in order to feel comfortable in the relationship. Read around this site and you will get an idea of what is "normal." Generally speaking, it is not normal for ex partners to interact any more than necessary when it comes to the kids. Doing things together, like meals and vacations is usually not done.
There is no need for constant texting. What kind of help is your SS getting? Does he go to regular occupational therapies?
This is what I expected but I
This is what I expected but I needed confirmation because I have never been in this situation before and didn't want to draw lines that were inappropriate for me to draw.
I am wondering if it is him making these decisions or if she is coming up with these ideas to insert herself back into the picture because she now has the threat of me looming. I think she uses "the child psychiatrist thought it would be healthy for us to do this" to manipulate the situation to her advantage.
Seems like the first year and a half of us dating he hated this woman now suddenly as we come up onto almost three years he is defending her as being a good mother and suddenly these events are happening more often or she is offering them up more. Oddly enough if I am there she's looking at me when she's talking about all the latest care instructions or new child interests because I actually listen to her and pass the information on while he admits he tunes out most of what she says. It's a very odd situation for me to read because I know guys who villainize the ex on purpose just to cover up what's actually happening behind the scenes. I don't know a single person in his life who would celebrate him getting back with her because his family hates her and his friends haven't heard good things either and they all know me but at the end of the day we each get to decide who we want to be with.
lucid dawn
My soon to be ex husband started doing family dinners with his ex wife a snotty bitch daughter. I kicked him out, and guess what he is back with the ex wife. NEVER EVER accept that. It is not normal.
I would try to find out what really is going on.
He is cheating on you.
Why tolerate it?
No, it's not normal and
No, it's not normal and dressing in matching outfits is downright creepy.
If they wanted to have family photos, they should have stayed a family.
If they are going to start going down this road, it will turn into birthdays together, Christmas morning together, and the occasional dinner, because it will be "for the kid".
And you will be the heartless bitch who doesn't agree with them creating family memories for their special needs kid.
Have they done anything like this before?
I am curious to see how this
I am curious to see how this year's holidays play out because before now none of that has happened but if it does this year I will know for certain what is going down.
Don't be around to find out.
Don't be around to find out.
Now they are doing dinner
Now they are doing dinner when she drops him off which he has said seems to be strengthening his relationship with his son.
There have been many situations in which it strengthened more than the relationship with the kid, if you get my drift. The truth is, they are creating an emotional attachment to each other, as well. Your BF and the BM, I mean.
Time to leave them to it.
Yea that's definitely a good
Yea that's definitely a good point. I need to have another candid conversation about it and find out where the idea to "bond" for the child came from and if he doesn't see it from my perspective then clearly my opinion in our relationship doesn't hold much weight and never will.
I did point out to him that my wanting to have dinner with an ex would not make him happy either whether it involved our child or not.
Not normal, not ok, and
Not normal, not ok, and probably not even for the kid. Idk how severe his impairment is, but if he is non-verbal (assuming he doesn't do sign language), is he even capable of understanding any of this? The fact that he is increasing his closeness with BM and not decreasing it at this point in your relationship shows where his priorities are, and you are not high on the list. This is not ok. Please demand better. If he wants all this family togetherness, he needs to get back with BM. Do not accept this for yourself. There are men out there who will put you first.
Thank you for this. Yes I can
Thank you for this. Yes I can't imagine his son understands any of it. He says he has been calmer and more loving since they started (he is probably happy thinking mommy and daddy are reconciling) none of us can know for sure since he can't tell us.
I think she is using the son to try and reignite some flame because she sees him moving on with me. I don't personally like that some other woman has that sort of power that I'll never be able to match because I don't have kids with him. Although I recognize it is him that is giving her this power.
Do you want children of your
Do you want children of your own? It sounds like you do. If so, time to move on. Do NOT give that up for any man, much less this one.
If you do not want children of your own, same answer, time to move on.
This man is not fully ready and available for a relationship with anyone, except bm... and it sounds like they are rekindling their relationship.
Maybe they should just get
Maybe they should just get married.
No, that is not normal.
No, that is not normal. Family pictures when they're no longer a family is strange. Matching outfits is even stranger. Dinner with the ex? Not acceptable, IMO.
When I first started dating my DH, he would occasionally do things with BM and the kids, like go apple picking or to the fair. They did birthdays and many holidays together. After he went to BM's place for pumpkin carving with the kids, and then wanted BM to accompany us for trick or treating, I told him that he was welcome to go trick or treating with BM, but I would not be going, nor would I have any interest in continuing to date him. I drew my boundaries and was prepared to walk away, because that stuff was NOT acceptable to me. In my world, if you're still hanging with your ex, you're not available for a new relationship. DH stopped the joint holidays, birthdays, etc., and now just has a co-parenting relationship with BM. They're still cordial, but boundaries are respected.
Do you want children of your own? If so, this is probably not the relationship for you. Don't settle for a guy who already has kids and won't/can't give you children if you want them. You will ultimately regret that and resent him.
Family pictures for a family that doesn't exist. Really?
That is rich.
Time for your SO to gain clarity that the family he is pining for failed, no longer exists, and his X has zero place in YOUR marriage and life. He also needs clarity that he needs to get his kid and the visitation schedule under control because there will be no more of your time as a couple consumed by his failed family.
Be assertive. If SO chooses not to keep his failed family in their collective place, you know where you stand and it is time to leave him and his shallow and polluted gene pool.
Well said. I sense that I
Well said. I sense that I already know where we are headed and if it'sten more years of him makingemotionalspace for this woman over me then I will be better off leaving. I love that part "there will be no more of your time as a couple consumed by his failed family." Absolutely something I need to keep in mind along with all the other good advice I am being given.
“Do it for the kid” is not an excuse
Special needs kids need things spelled out clearly for them. Quite literally. It would be confusing as heck for daddy to occasionally drop in out of the blue to play happy family with mummy then leave again. It’s not painting a real picture of their family and doing no favours for that kid. He’ll completely melt down when they introduce more of you and he thinks you’ve come along to ruin his family because it was “perfect” until you showed up. Because quite literally in his world, that’s what happened.
Child is hearing impaired and
Child is hearing impaired and non verbal? Correct?
Poor little boy.
Family photos are the least of your worries. How old is the little fella?
Edit--sorry, he is 8 years old.
Yea he has to deal with a lot
Yea he has to deal with a lot and I feel for the kid because you can tell he is bright and knows more than they give him credit for. The situation is such a mess. I was visually impaired as a child myself so I can remember all to well what it was like growing up with a disability. Thankfully my mom worked with me so it was much less of an issue and didn't interfere as much with my learning. My mom was incredible.
This boys mom is going above and beyond to do what she thinks is best so I respect her for that. It's just frustrating seeing an impairment holding a child back when it maybe didn't need to under better conditions.
It's all hard to watch but rhe boy is very happy and has a good disposition when it comes to life despite not being able to express himself better so I am thankful for that. Sometimes I feel like I am just there to observe things from a better vantage point because parents become to close to an issue and sometimes you need that third party to point out something obvious that you might be missing because you're too focused on the other issues.
This is wrong in so many ways
When your BF started living with you. This first Happy Family. What never existed , ended. He does not get to play Happy Family with the ex and there child. With you watching from home . Either he gets back with the ex or cuts contact with the ex. They can not Co parent
You should start thing if this is the relationship for you. Not only you are not first. But looks like you are third. You really don't want to live this way
Sounds like your BF and BM
Sounds like your BF and BM are playing family In more ways than one.
Leave ASAP. Unless (super
Leave ASAP. Unless (super rare) that a male has ZERO sperm count, is he infertile. Even with VERY little sperm count, there are more treatment options for men. This sounds like bullsh!t to me.
Kid thing aside, your BF should NOT be taking "family" pictures with BM. Newsflash, they aren't a family. Nothing wrong with SK having pictures of Mom and Dad separate. That is the reality of their life anyway, right? Unless BM and BF are secretly wanting to get back together.
Food for thought. What does your BF and BM plan on doing with these pics? Hanging them up in their houses? Posting on Social Media? Basically, give SK a right to think "maybe mom and dad will get back together?" Where does that leave you? I would be out the door.
No I have never done this. No
No I have never done this. No this is not normal. What would be normal for me would be a photo at a game with you both. A school event that included the three of them or all of you.. But what you wrote no.
No.. this is not typical at
No.. this is not typical at all. Not normal.
and with those drop off dinners.. you are included right? no? He is going on dates with his EX.
I mean if they are going to do all the things to make it better for the kid.. they should marry and be a family.. honestly..that is better than having them split.. as parents.
My take.
This man and his ex are always free to parent in anyway they see fit. YOU also have a choice. You can decide if the way he's conducting himself with his ex passes your "vibe check" (I've been watching a lot of TikTok lately).
If it was me, I'd sit him down and explain to him how this affects you and your relationship with him. Something like this:
"When I imagine myself in a strong, committed relationship, its with someone who prioritizes me and who considers me their emotional partner. Pictures with your ex and child and these dinners with her show me that I'm not the priority. Are you willing to change this work with me to come up with boundaries that both of us live with?".
If his answer is no, then you have the choice to leave the relationship.
They are even wearing cute
They are even wearing cute matching outfits? Barf. And weird. Who's idea was this?