Equality between SD and DD from FDH
Okay... I am feeling a little torn right now. FDH and I have discussed this on more than one occasion. But it was him speaking to me about treating SD3 and my DD1 almost 2 equally... I feel that I do my best to insure that SD and DD are treated equally, FHD sees me as too hard on SD, but I hold DD to the same expectations ie, SD3 moves her dirty dishes from the table to the counter after shes finished with meals, DD does as well... Most of the things I have SD and DD do are more for creating good manners/habits and I do not tolerate bad behavior, from any child living in my home. I do the three warning rule, works great for SD. Not so well for DD yet though.I follow through with punishment, time out, no dessert eetc.
FDH, I have began to notice, is much more lax than I, especially when it comes to SD. We have SD 4-5 days out of the 7 in a week. I should probably also add that DD is not FDH's biological daughter. Tough he has been in our lives since i found out i was pregnant with DD. FDH is the only Dad she has,and to be honest most likley the only Dad she will ever know. Her Bio refuses aknowlagement of her exsistance, and honestly im happy i dont have to deal with the asshat i had a baby with. Off topic, my apologies.
But, recently I have began to notice that FDH does not treat DD and SD equally... At all!! I am currently 7 mos pregnant, stay at home mom of three and at times extremely overwhelmed with the girls (SD3, DD almost 2 and DD9mo) so I have been requesting/ expecting more from FDH(ie help with bed time, take the girls for an hour on Saturdays so I can have a nap... Nothing extreme, just a little help.) Usually my naps are disrupted due to FDH not being able to 'handle' the Chaos that usually ensues, he'll tell me that DD1 is too much for him to handle. But the other two are fine. I know he cares for DD1, and at times I can see glimpses of love he shows towards her. I understand that he will probably never love DD1 like he does SD, and DD9mo... I get it, I love SD, but no matter how I try its not the same love I have for my DDs. I'm not asking him to love DD1 like he does his girls. I just want his time with DD1 to be appreciated...
So, sorry for the long rant, but today SD went back with BM. I requested that FDH take DD1 with him for drop off because I was super tired and DD9mo was down for a nap, I was hoping to get a little rest. FDH says 'its too much when I have to take the girls with me, but I guess I can figure it out.' I told him never mind, and I would just skip my Saturday nap this week, whatever, not the first time. He had to stop by work and the store on his way home, and didn't want DD to slow him down from getting back home, but if we were to keep SD tonight I'm sure she would have gone with him to take care of his stuff. I don't know if it my hormones that has this bothering me or what. But I guess I'm just tired of talking about how I could do better to be more lax and let things slide but he has no problems to discuss about himself.
Sorry for such a long rant/vent... And misspelled words. Lol
My heart goes out to you. I
My heart goes out to you.
I understand how your feeling and also how your DH could be feeling also. I have a DS(7) and my partner has a son(4) that we have every weekend and we're still trying to get it right with them both, treat them equally though it doesn't always work.
I always find i have more patience with my son than i do for my SS(4) though i do try to treat them as equal as possible when it comes to house rules, rudeness and naughty behavior, though i am a little tougher on SS(4) but only because he has a lazy BM who teaches him nothing about manners, behavior, toileting etc and he's picked up alot of bad habits from her.
I noticed a while back that my DP treats my DS differently, didn't really get involved with him, didn't really spend any time with him, i use to get so upset about this, i wouldn't force him to want a relationship with my son but i also wasn't going to let it stay this way so i changed how i was with his son, i disengaged a bit so i could make it more equal and also so my DP could understand.
Whenever i go out anywhere i always take my son with me but i do that because the way i look at it is, if his son is his son and my son is my son then i take care of my son and his takes care of his. I'm not going to lie this doesn't work! I still get really upset about it all.
I think you and your DH need a good sit down and a good talk about all this (which im sure you've already done) but talking about it or arguing about it is better than doing nothing about it. You both got with each other knowing you both were attached with children and as hard as it is, there has to be a middle ground from both of you.
I know i havent really given any advice but i hope i've helped in some ways. And if you find a good outcome let me know as i'd love one myself x