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InNeedOfGuidance12's picture

Submitted by InNeedOfGuidance12 on Mon, 05/04/2015 - 1:57pm

With the nice weather I've been looking into fun things to do on the weekends. I have DD1 and SD12. One issue we keep having is BM and her family making plans for shopping trips on our weekends (we have 50/50 week on/week off.) Another is my DH picking up night shifts on weekends, which leaves me all day with DD1 & SD12, although lately it's been more of me & DD1 waiting for BM or BM's relative to drop SD off.

SD, BM, and occasionally DH make plans without any consideration for me and anything I may have planned for the day. Whether it include SD or not. When I just talked to DH about wanting to do things as a family & little fun excursions, and BM and his schedules not making it possible he said, "I know and I told SD that if she wants to do things let me know."

I'm near tears & so fed up. He has these conversations WITH SD all the time, but never says those things to me. When it's not SD's week I feel like DD and I are getting the short end of the stick. He doesn't care if he misses trips to the park or fun community events. He's definitely a better husband to SD than to me.

Any thoughts?

Comments

thinkthrice's picture

Submitted by thinkthrice on Mon, 05/04/2015 - 2:45pm

Agree with ybarra357. DH is setting a dangerous precedent letting BM change the CO schedule on a whim. This reinforces that there are no rules for the BM, yet the CO will hold DH's feet to the fire.

Also, you will soon resent these last minute "plans." He's also setting another dangerous precedent letting SD decide what will be the schedule which is giving her "mini-wife" or A.S.S. (adult spousal status)--not good.

My "DH" Chef made the exact same mistakes and slowly but surely, OSS, SD and YSS stopped visitation all together.

Also trying to do just "fun" things on SD's time with you will reinforce that life revolves around SD. You end up competing with the BM as to who can be the "funnest" parent. Really not the way to go. It will devolve into a complete lack of respect for both DH and you.

Get the book "Stepmonster" and read thoroughly as well.

InNeedOfGuidance12's picture

Submitted by InNeedOfGuidance12 on Tue, 05/05/2015 - 11:27am

Trust me, I've been resenting the last minute shit for a while now. BM has taken Thanksgiving & New Years so far, despite the custody order stating they were our holidays. We don't just do things to entertain SD, she just wants to be with whoever has the best plans, and I refuse to give in to that crap, so we don't have her. DH won't "force" her to be with us, and I can't keep planning based on a CO that no one follows. However, when trips come up that aren't on her weeks, she will demand to be there. I just gotta hold strong & stop giving in to keep the peace.

Ninji's picture

Submitted by Ninji on Mon, 05/04/2015 - 2:55pm

If I was in your situation, I would tell DH that I plan to leave the house at XZY time. If SD isn't dropped off by that time, then DH or BM need to find a sitter.

Of course he is going to complain and bitch, but remind him that your life doesn't revolve around BM and SD schedules. You have a life and you want to live it with your DD.

IamexhaustedSM's picture

Submitted by IamexhaustedSM on Mon, 05/04/2015 - 4:47pm

First tell DH that if him and BM cannot get it together then leave you out of it. You have plans with YOUR child and you will no longer sit around wasting one more second of your life waiting for BM him, or SD to get their shit together.

That is so completely unfair to you and your little one. From now on when you have plans tell DH that you are leaving at X time and that if BM cannot drop SD off by a certain time predetermined by you then one of them better figure it out. Your life and your child's life DOES NOT revolve around SD and BM and you should not be expected to sit around getting old waiting for them.

oneoffour's picture

Submitted by oneoffour on Mon, 05/04/2015 - 5:54pm

Lots of excellent ideas have been given. I hope you take it to heart and make some changes in your family dynamics.

InNeedOfGuidance12's picture

Submitted by InNeedOfGuidance12 on Mon, 05/04/2015 - 7:43pm

I basically just told DH that I will no longer plan for him or SD12 to be around on the weekends. I'm making plans and doing what I want to do. I'm not changing them for him, SD, or BM. With summer quickly approaching, my parents have a pool, I will not be here! He always works weekend shifts in the morning, but then he picks up the night shift too for extra money.

Thanks for all the advice, I'm just going to stop focusing on this "family" and start focusing on my kiddo.

InNeedOfGuidance12's picture

Submitted by InNeedOfGuidance12 on Mon, 05/04/2015 - 9:07pm

Basically it just got worse. He's heard this all before & he's right. I keep choosing family over myself & I'm the only one that does. I've turned into a stark raving lunatic too many times trying have and be a part of a family that doesn't want me. He just informed me that he invited SS22 on vacation in August. A vacation that isn't even booked yet, a vacation we just recently discussed, that we will take in a 4 door sedan with a massive car seat in the back. Room for 5--4 of which are adult size, no. We went talking about camping at the beach. Room for 5 in a tent, no. This addition would require another campsite at the very least. Packing for a week with a baby + 4 = not enough room. I'm already off that week (my parents watch my DD and they are on vacation that week) so maybe DD and I can have some fun adventures and we can forget this "family" vacation idea. It's not like I'm part of the family anyway. I wish they'd pile in his ridiculous vehicle & go by themselves. Have a grand ole time.