Does it ever get better?
Is there anyone out there that has been through this mess of step motherhood and come out of it with a happy family? I'm worried I've gotten myself into a mess that will never be happy for anyone.
I married a great man, of course I knew that he had a crazy ex and 2 young boys but was naive to think that if we tried really hard we could do our best to raise them right and get them help and ease the pain of divorce. It just feels impossible, after 4+ years, things are worse than ever. BM will never stop bad mouthing us, blaming their father for every problem. She is the typical "Disney Mom" just got back from taking SSs to Disney World and complains we don't take them on vacations. It would be nice to go on vacation if we could afford it, instead we spend any extra money we have on counseling for us and the oldest SS, pay bills in cash to avoid getting into credit card debt. We want to save to buy a house instead of renting and would like to have a child together, but might not be able to financially, plus I'm afraid the BM and SSs would cause more problems if I get pregnant.
Im stressed all the time, these boys are spoiled, selfish and not prepared for the future. I just want to know if things do get better or will the BM always cause problems and poison her children and future grandchildren forever. Should I just live my life, not worry how the skids end up, and hope and pray for the best?
I came out ok as both a sd
I came out ok as both a sd and a sm. I have battle scars, to be sure, but being on this site made me realize that I have it good compared to others.
The keys in both situations were that the dads did demand that their wives be treated with respect. They have the attitude of "you don't have to love or like sm but you have to treat her respectfully." They PARENT(ED) their kids. They pay attention to their kids and show genuine interest in them. So many guys look at their partners as built in nannies. They spend individual time with each kid.
They also make time for their wives. They do date nights. They kiss us.
They go out of their way to make EVERY member of their family valued, irreplaceable and important.
They don't/have never/let to of adopt(ing) a Brady Bunch fantasy where we'd all be a big happy family. Instead they shoot for peaceful coexistence.
It can get better if DAD does all these things. However, if Dad lets his kids run roughshod and treat others like crap, it won't, at least for awhile.
ETA: about bm- it is on dh to communicate with her in my case and I wish this was the case for everyone. HE has to keep the chats about the kids. HE needs to fight for his kids. HE needs to deal with the lies she spews and shut them down.
God I wish my dh did these
God I wish my dh did these things it may make things better as it is there is one foot out the door
Same here echo. 29 year old
Same here echo. 29 year old SD has her first baby two years ago and immediately tells dad. If you want to see my baby you have to leave her. DH hasn't seen the baby. But it took that after 8 years of hell from this woman to make me see the light. It only gets better when you stop trying so hard.
2 or three months after her ultimatum to daddy "Her or Me" she realising that had not worked in her favour turns up on my doorstep. I banned her there and then told DH he was welcome to go with her, I would understand and it would be amicable. But she was out of my life for good.
Letting go has been the best thing ever.
Op don't swim against the current, do what you can, but don't put your life on hold for SSs. You and DH need to sit down and have a good long look at your lives and plans. See where you both stand and what you both want. Then decide knowing what you now know do you want this marriage. If you put off having children because you are paying for counselling and CS foe SSs and you really want a baby. You will grow to resent DH and his kids. The older these kids get, the more they will cost. This isn't going to get easier unless you and DH make a life plan for yourselves too.
Wow, I'm so happy I posted!
Wow, I'm so happy I posted! You all have brightened my day! I have started putting myself (my health, mental and physical) and my marriage first before worrying about the skids (we have them this weekend) and I've been feeling better. The boys are behaving pretty bad but I'm not making it ruin my weekend, that is a huge flip for me and my relationship with my husband. We are communicating better and discussing how to handle them without ending up mad at each other. I appreciate all the words of wisdom and will definitely use this forum as a tool to help myself and any others that I can.