Does Dad do all the driving for visits?
Just curious as this is the latest move by BM. She's decided it's not her responsibility to help with any of the driving as "people she talks to" informed her that it's the dad's responsibility to get kids back and forth.
In our case, my SO has skids EVERY weekend and Wednesdays. We live an hour and 20 minutes from BM. So he picks them up from school on Wednesday, and stays there with them all day until BM gets home from work around 8. Then picks them up Fri. nights. As of right now, since SO works Sundays, it's my job to get them back on Sunday. I've been driving further than she does to the meeting place. This week SO asked her to come a little closer so it's halfway for me and she flipped out.
It's especially hard for me right now on Sundays with spring sports for my biokids so he was trying to help me out.
There's no CO and I doubt
There's no CO and I doubt he'll be willing to go for one. Easter is part of what brought this out. It's her holiday but she refused to even meet me to get them, I have to bring them all the way back. This is her way of punishing him (and me) for moving. He was originally 40 min away and now it's an hour and 20. He moved with me so that my kids wouldn't have to change schools. And also because if I moved it would be out of state and would have been a court battle for me and my ex. We didn't want to put the kids through that.
So he's asking her to drive the 40 minutes like she was before he moved, which was the norm for 6 years. Right now she's only driving 15 min. toward me for pickup.
Right, after they split he
Right, after they split he moved 40 min. away. Mostly for financial reasons.
So follow BM's lead and tell
So follow BM's lead and tell him you won't do the drive. He'll have to finds someone else to take them home or take them home Saturday evening.
You both should follow her
You both should follow her lead and tell her she has to come all the way to pick them up Sunday night. Or they will stay with you. Is she just going to leave her kids there? I bet she will be willing to drive halfway once he tells her that.
I also should clarify that
I also should clarify that with the move the visitation didn't change at all. He accepted the fact that he'd be driving further on Wednesdays and Fridays. And I agreed to help out with the driving, it was all a compromise so that things stay consistent for my kids.
All we're asking of her is that she drives the same amount of time on Sundays that she did before, 40 min.
DF is responsible for all
DF is responsible for all transportation. I refuse to help out at all. If work interferes with his visitation schedule, then he picks them up later or returns them early.
If he has to work on Sunday, they takes them home late Saturday evening. It doesn't make sense for them to stay here all day Sunday if he isn't going to be home.
Yes, my DH did all
Yes, my DH did all transportation for 10 years solid, EOW. SSs lived 2 hours away, so it was 4 hours RT on Friday, 4 hours RT on Sunday, 8 hours driving EOW. Of course, this not just cost time, but gas and tolls, which added about $100/mo on top of $1200 CS. He put 250K miles on his vehicle in about 6 years. My DH agreed to that in the divorce, as BM was of the opinion that it was all on him to take them door to door. He had to leave work early on visitation Fridays, which made it harder on his legal career. (I'm sure BM would be giddy to hear that.) Plus, they were never fed dinner prior to the 6:00 p.m. pick-up, so DH would have to stop for that as well. DH would arrive home on Fridays around 9:00 p.m., later if the roads were snowy or if it was rainy, which was past SSs bedtime. Had BM met him half way, it not only would have cut DH's drive in 1/2, but it would have gotten SSs to our place 2 hours earlier. However, BM never cared what she put her children through, so long as she made DH suffer. I sure don't miss those days and am so glad they're behind me for good, since my SSs are now 18 and 20.
Wow, that really stinks. Do
Wow, that really stinks. Do the kids realize yet how much their dad did for them or are they not old enough? I'm thinking this will only be to my SO's benefit in the eyes of his daughters in the long run. Like hey, Dad did everything he could to spend time with us. I might be off base but I can dream...
My husband used to do this.
My husband used to do this. There was no court order saying anything, until I came into the picture...and suggested to him, "make her come get the kids if she wants them for her time" all it took was him standing firm. Not saying the exchange won't happen...just that if BM wants the kids she has to come get them...
Have your husband drive home on weekends and make BM come get them when the time is done Sunday.
We've gone back and forth on
We've gone back and forth on this one since BM moved kids several hours away. Started with her agreeing to meet us halfway, but then it really never turned out that way because they'd take their time getting started so they'd only have to drive an hour anyway. Then for awhile we were doing ALL the driving back and forth and this last time, they actually brought the kids halfway while other times they've brought them all the way.
We've learned to just play along with the game as it sure beats driving the entire distance every single time.
Just to chime in: it is the
Just to chime in: it is the CP duty to promote the child's relationship with the NCP. Refusing to assist with driving could be construed as dereliction of that duty. I would try to scare the BM into thinking she can be held accountable for not supporting DH's visitation.
In my life, i have dealt with the special circle of hell known as post-divorce driving as a BM and as a SM. Both experiences have left a lot to be desired.
As a BM, my ex and/or rarely SM do all the driving, as my ex moved in with her and they live about 2 hours away, two states away. On rare occasions we drive the boys all the way - 3-4 hour round trip. I would meet them half-way but the SM is such a control freak she cannot cooperate with anyone. At one point she decided they will not pick the boys up at our house - they wanted them to walk a block and wait on the corner. I put my foot down and said, not going to happen. She threw a fit and declared, "Then i am leaving." I said, "Fine, i will drive them to your house myself." And did.
With the BM, my first inkling of her total craziness was the fact that she had directed the skids how NOT to drive to us while she was on a vacation in Europe! She was calling or texting from Europe to the US only to let them know they were not allowed to use her car ( two were adults at the time). She is truly disturbed, and used the visitation as a tool to exert her undue influence. So she would sabotage all visits, refuse to allow a 15yo to take the train, refuse to pick her up from the train, etc.
That was a litmus test, really, early on when it was not yet clear how nuts she was in other areas. I should have paid more attention. DH of course was trying to appease her to minimize the hostility. Could not be done.
Cooperative parents split the
Cooperative parents split the driving.
My ex lives about an hour away--sometimes more, due to traffic. We share the driving. We also have no CO. We meet halfway Monday mornings, he comes out to our area on Wednesdays to take our BD6 to dinner, and I drive her to him on Fridays. During school breaks, we meet halfway on Mondays and Thursdays. It works very well for us.
I've heard of parents having the CO include that whomever's parenting time is starting picks up at a predetermined time and place (usually the other parents home or a neutral location).
They definitely need a CO if she's playing games.
Me and my ex co-parent well,
Me and my ex co-parent well, so I send him a text on Saturday morning letting him know that I'll drive the 10 minutes to pick up my son. If it were a longer distance, we would probably switch off. And my ex would agree since he's a fair-minded person.
My SO has to do all the transportation since the judge said he was being "unreasonable" in wanting a neutral location for the drop-offs. Since lazy ass BM doesn't have a car or a license it was "unreasonable" to ask her to make accommodations...even though SO has to make accommodations and have another person present for his own safety (and a witness!) after BM hit him with a car a couple years ago during a drop-off.
If you can't agree about "who is responsible for transportation", it should be addressed in the court-ordered parenting plan.
Yes, you're right, I wish I
Yes, you're right, I wish I had put all the info in the original post. I guess I was thinking more along the lines of just seeing what other people do. I personally don't think it's unreasonable to ask her to continue driving the same distance she has been for 6 years prior.
I know that SO is nervous to even mention court because she's constantly threatening for more money. He's afraid she'll go and get it if we piss her off enough. It sucks living in fear of a woman who acts this way and claims she's "putting her kids first." So aggravating. *sigh*
If you guys moved that far
If you guys moved that far from the kid(s) then common sense says you guys do the driving. Some visitation parents have to spring for air tickets so don't feel bad.
You can always as family court if it can be split, how much worse can it get? Fix anything else in the visitation order while you're at it.
I really appreciate all the
I really appreciate all the comments everyone! Love that I can come on here and get different points of view. Helps to evaluate on my end.
I really don't mind doing some of the driving, it was part of my agreement with my SO when he decided to move by me. It's benefiting me and my kids in a way so I agreed to help with skids. What I don't like is her using the move as an excuse to act like a complete brat all the time.
But we are picking up the
But we are picking up the extra drive time that was created by the move. She is refusing to drive the same distance she had been to his last place. I'm not understanding how we are being the unreasonable ones in this case?
Of course, w/o a court order
Of course, w/o a court order for visitation, she doesn't have to let Dad have them at all. Is there a custody order? If they weren't married, has he been legally declared the father? Yes, it matters?
They were married and he's
They were married and he's the father on their birth certificates. I don't think she would keep the kids from him, not even out of spite. She enjoys her kid free time too much.
PASinator BMs believe it is a
PASinator BMs believe it is a PRIVILEGE to be exercised at THEIR SOLE discretion and not a right for NCP biodad to see his children. They view the children as THEIR CHILDREN ALONE akin to an extension of THEIR body; thus the majority of these BMs withhold visitation and DEMAND that biodad do all the transport involved--even WITH a CO saying otherwise. To them the CO is a mere "serving suggestion" whereas CS and financial obligations of biodad is written in stone.
Isn't this the sad truth. I
Isn't this the sad truth. I don't feel this way at all in regards to my ex and bios. It's a shame that other moms do.
Exactly! I never did this as
Exactly! I never did this as a divorced, single mom.
dup damn tablet keyboard
dup damn tablet keyboard
I agree completely. My ex
I agree completely. My ex may have a schedule change and be off Sat/Sun and he asked about having the kids. I said no way. We'll have to go to every other weekend and he can pick up weekday evenings here and there to spend more time with them. I want to have weekend time with my kiddos too, I don't understand why any mom wouldn't.
The worst part is that BM works late on Wed. and Thurs. nights. So they are with their dad Wed. and a babysitter until bedtime Thurs. Then with the babysitter on Fri until dad picks up. So really she has Sun, Mon, Tues. evenings. That's it. I don't understand it.
I like the every 4th weekend idea. How do I bring that up without sounding like the evil SM who doesn't want the skids here? Ugh.
I pick up the younger two
I pick up the younger two skids from school when they come to us and take them home. DH works on other side of town can meet us at the door but would be late if he had to leave work to pick them up at dismissals from school. Their mother picks them up at our home. In our order she parks her car and can honk once, not get out, speak to anyone. We are to release them from front door and watch out window, not come out, not speak to her. The other two boys are older and live in same gated community as we do. They walk here, have keys to our house, and they walk home if they want to. We can drive them in bad weather or mom will come. We get along better with her, but it was a long hard road to get where we are. Boys are with us half the time.