Does anyone else have this problem with "local " stepkids?
Bm and SS live in the same town(lucky me)as DH and I do. We have EOW plus one night a week which is more than enough for me with SS's needy braty behavoir. Not only does SS call regularly to beg to come over and see "daddy" on our kid free time which happens mostly on the weekends prime time. But then both BM and SS guilts DH in going to the many extra school/sports functions on our kid free time too. So frustrating as BM signs SS up from everything from little league/pop warner to Cub scouts/karate so there is always something going on. Almost every weekend we have SS he has at least one if not more long function/activity we have to go to which is bad enough. But on our free time DH is expected to go to theses functions/activities also which of course he does.
So my question is does your DH stick to the set visitation schedule or is he at the beck and call of SS and BM?
We get the calls too
We went out of town and as we were getting ready to leave to come back home BF gets a call from BM saying that SS was very upset he didn't get to see us over the weekend and wanted to know if he could come over.
Not only did we get back home late, but we had something to do the next evening after work. So we took him later in the week. But BF & and I unexpectedly had to work late on the day he was to come. So when BF called to rearrange a better time, SS started crying, so BF just had BM bring SS over later.
Once he got there SS didn't even really want to talk to BF, just me, wanted to play video games and watch T.V. and then it was bed time. :O
Also BM will call the day of an event for SS and say "don't forget about *blah,blah* tonight" WTF? Don't forget!!! You never told us!
Reason why this bothers me
We didn't have skid at ALL weekend a few weeks ago(BM decided to keep them out of nowhere).
SS had no problem with that and not seeing his father then, but when we have to leave for a weekend, it's tears and drama? Hmmmmm..... :?
I agree on somethings
you have above and some not. I dislike having all these things to do on our weekend with SS as we have to deal with BM. If she did not come it would be great but that is her kid.
Next your SS guilts H into going to his extra activities. Does H not want to go to these? I am bothered when some say they don't want their H or BF going to the kids activities when they are not with them. I would never try and stop my H from doing that nor would he even hear of it either. I could not imagine wanting to be at all of my kids functions. Now if I do not want to go to not deal with BM I don't. But most of time I go anyway cause I am there for SS not BM.
Please tell me why you would not want H to attend all his childs activities. If SS were your bio kid would you miss his activities?
I'm in agreement with Stepg
But didn't know how to say it without sounding like I was being negative to you personally.
One thing about "visitation" that bothers me..and this isn't pointed at you but in general is that we (even I) seem to forget that these are our spouses children. It is not their fault that both parents are not together. As a child I would want both my parents being there. To say "I'll only be around you on my visitation" sounds just sooo mean..do you know understand what I'm saying?
I have to agree..as it is annoying as it may be that YOU have to be involved (it's not your child..you didn't have any say in it, but you are with this man..and if he "wants" to go than that should be supported).
I hope I didn't come off like I was bashing anyone.
"He grew up in my heart, not my belly"
Want to add
That I haven't actually had to go thru this yet though..and thinking about it does get my anxiety going only cuz' I HATE, HATE dealing with BM..so I'm sure I will be very bitchy about it - I'll have to keep this post saved somewhere so I can go back and read it.! Luckily, FH works all the time that he won't be able to go to anything.
"He grew up in my heart, not my belly"
I understand what people are saying ...
I guess I should have explained my situation better. Both DH and I work VERY long hours and get very little time together. When we have SS his visitation completly revolves around what SS whats to do 24/7 with DH. Now if SS has something special going on that falls on a non kid day of course we go no questions asked. But like I said BM signs him up to everything under the sun so if DH went to all of them everytime we would have almost no time together alone. Now maybe i'm wrong and if I am please tell me.
I understand that too!
I have SS5 ALL day, everyday..we NEVER get alone time - so beleive me I understand what your feeling. You don't have to go to everything, everytime either. Does DH understand this? Like sports..1 or 2 games is efficient (my opinion)..I mean I don't even go to my own BD EVERY sports game..sometiems I just drop her off and pick her up..can your DH make adjustments to just go once in awhile?
"He grew up in my heart, not my belly"
kellyjean
I think I understand what you are saying. We also have EOWE and one night a week. BM live 2 miles away.
DH goes to every thing the kids do on his time and BM's time. BM goes to everything the kids do on her time AND his time. Personally I think it is really unhealthy. His side: If he only went to their events that landed on his time he would hardly ever see them or what they are doing. Her side: She is a narcissistic, helicopter, nut bag that can't be without the SK's for more than one hour or everyone starts getting a little squirrely. I have a few stories of how this has literally crippled and stunted their emotional growth, but that's for another day.
The result in our home...DH gets to see his kids. For me, DH sometimes take our kids (little ones) and I get a break. My birthday was yesterday, but being busy people we will celebrate this weekend. He skirted around the idea of seeing "The Estranged Child" this weekend before she leaves for a few weeks out of state. All I had to say was "I don't care when you see her, but it won't be this weekend." He said he understood and backed off.
We are dealing with a moderate to severe case of PAS with 3 SK's so the kids are not allowed to initiate a call or ask to see DH if it is not during the scheduled time he is "allowed" to be a parent. BM's rules.
I would pick my battles if I were you. Believe it or not you are in charge. Let him do what he wants and see the SK whenever and then pull out the big guns when you need to. Then he can't complain about you being unfair. You have been more than fair.
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"Waiting for them to simply PAS out!" ~ Wicked2Three
Mine is by the Divorce
Mine is by the Divorce Decree TO THE LETTER.
She blew asking us for "favors" or wanting anything OTHER than what's stating in the DD.
Let her sign up HER kid for whatever she wants. You and DH shouldn't be expected to go or drive SS to the events even if it's DURING YOUR time. It's YOUR time with him; you and DH do what YOU want to do with him.
BM should NOT set up plans for HER kid when she knows he'll be with you, because if she does-that's HER dictating what a whole other family will be doing with their lives. And she has no place, legal right to say what YOUR family will be doing--ever.
That wouldn't happen in our home. The coaches will have to understand the SS will not be making it to practice during your small amount of time with SS. It's just a game anyway, people, chill out. These over the top "sport" moms really need to get a life. Our families do NOT revolve around their little kids' sporting event that they'll grow bored of and not really remember a year later anyway.
It's your time; don't let BM boss you around during YOUR time.
Went through the same sort of thing...sort of...
Before she died...BM seem to be living her life vicariously through her daughters.
Signed them up for everything she ever had wanted to do...but had absolutely no talent for.
The list was extensive...between my 2 sd's there was the following EVERY WEEK:
Singing,
acting,
ballet,
modelling,
piano,
flute,
guitar,
...all this in ADDITION to whatever was going on with each of their seperate school activities. :jawdrop:
I said no way.
I am not going to devote my life to playing chauffer and stage-mother.
Nope, not me…you better think again.
They each got to pick ONE activity they wanted...and the rest went away.
Now my sd13, says she really enjoys the fact that she has time to do...nothing.
She can just be a kid, hang out , talk to friends...do whatever it is kids do.
Now...since your BM situation is still alive and kickin'...
SUGGESTION:
I suggest the compromise between you, DH and SS...is that SS picks the ONE activity that he feels is most important to have his Dad there for.
Then, whatever that activity entails, you and DH have to agree to be there for SS, no complaints.
That way, SS gets his Dad for his favorite activity, Dad gets to feel he is participating in something important to his son, BM can't complain that DH isn't involved...and you get the majority of your SS-free time back!
~Some days it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps! }:)
This is the problem both SS and BM feel its DH's job
to be at ALL the activities/function. SS because hes spoiled beyond belief and thinks the world revolves around him. BM because any chance she gets to play family with DH and ruin my alone time with DH she jumps at. Like I said when we have SS we plan our schedule around SS and we have NEVER missed a function/activity that SS had and thats not a easy task. Plus all major events we attend on our kid day or not. Its gotten to the point I have to make sure we(DH and I) have plans every minute of our kid-free time as SS ALWAYS calls begging to come over or something is going on he wants his father at. I could NEVER say to DH I had a bad week at work and just want to spend some alone time with you that would not go over well.
OH Crayon! Turd Tossing Tournament!
ROTFLMAO!
I should hold one of those for my stepturds! Usually I just refer their events as "Snively A$$ Nose Blowing Events" because in our small town they give kids awards for NOTHING and I guess everything including nose blowing and farting!
That's hysterical! I can't wait to use it!
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"Waiting for them to simply PAS out!" ~ Wicked2Three
LOL!!!!!
Crayon, you made me snort! That is hilarious and soooooo right on!
LMAO at awards
This made me chuckle. At my daughter's school they had "CARE" assemblies, rewarding kids for being helpful, kind, empathetic (ya. right.) etc. All the kids were expected to sit and watch a select few receive certificates for such behaviours (if they were actually observed at it, and at the whim of the teachers' preferences).
When my daughter was selected to receive one of these awards at the assembly, she outright refused it. School personnel were horrified! Why wouldn't she just take the damn award and stop causing trouble??? Her response was, "I believe we should be caring because it's the right thing to do, not so that we'll get something for it."
YAY!
Awwwwe!
That's good parenting there! Good for you and good for her. That's fantastic!
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"Waiting for them to simply PAS out!" ~ Wicked2Three
Thank you!
I was so proud! And the funny thing is that her teacher gave me crap for it at the next parent teacher conference. Go figure.
Crayon! You forgot the I
Crayon! You forgot the I Can Grow Hair award and the ever so popular You Are Unique certificate. GAG!
I love the 6th grader thing! Geeeeeze
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"Waiting for them to simply PAS out!" ~ Wicked2Three
You got that right!
JamaicanMeCrazy
DISNEY LIED...THERE IS NO 'HAPPILY EVER AFTER'
Just wait til you have to sit around all day watching a bunch of teenyboppers flip and flop around on the gym floor looking like they've just been tazered and with their arses hanging out - now that's total excitement! NOT!!! Not to mention having to drive 4 hours or worse, spend the night so you can make it to the meet at 7 am just to have to wait and wait and wait to watch a 5 minute routine and then more waiting...and waiting...only to have the little ingrate make a total ass out of herself and literally throw a temper tantrum. Last year when Stepbrat17's team went to state her BM, birth grandma, and my MIL went to watch - MIL actually expected ME to go - ummm, no. BM ended up not going anyway - no surprise there! (See previous post of OT Update for details on why I refuse to support Stepbrat17's endeavors)
I am only now after 6-1/2
I am only now after 6-1/2 years finding the entertainment value in it all. The town has been poisoned as TFT's parents litterally own most of it or manage the properties of the other half. It's ugly.
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"Waiting for them to simply PAS out!" ~ Wicked2Three