Do you make them?
Okay my BS went to live with his grandmother, but has come home and things seem to be working out okay. My question is my BS and I talked about his role at home (needing to get a job, pay for his insurance, gas, etc.) which he is looking and he does go to the community college full time and wants to transfer to University in the fall. My problem is my son said he wants nothing to do with DH, like he doesn't want to be "friends". He said he will be respectful like if DH speaks to him, etc., but he is not going to go out of his way. DH thinks that his not talking to him is disrespectful. So, last night the grocery list came up and my son likes to eat hot pockets, etc., and DH said he is not buying food for him and when he cooks he only will cook for us or when his kids are there. Well it did hurt my feelings and I told him okay when your kids are here don't expect me to cook for them or do things for them. They are 11/10 and he says they don't treat you like your son treats me. Okay first off they are young and the crap that happened between my boys and my DH is very fresh and they aren't ready to "forgive" and play nice (at least not yet). I think my DH should be the grown up and just act like things are okay and eventually it will all work out and BS's will come around, b/c really they are forgiving and they do have big hearts. So, what would be the "right" thing to do here?
Frankly, I think your DH is
Frankly, I think your DH is right. Not speaking to your DH unless he's has to is incredibly disrespectful. And, no offense, but shame on you for allowing it. Your son sounds like he's at an age where is needs to show more maturity. And you should try to put yourself in your husbands shoes...how would you like it if his adult kids treated you that way? If your son doesn't want to be a real part of the family, maybe he should go back to grandmas. Or better yet, go out on his own.
I understand what you are
I understand what you are both saying. There was a huge falling out between all of us in October, DH moved out, going to get divorced, etc., Its a super long story. But hurtful, hateful things were said by DH about my boys and me. Of course, boys are going to run to the rescue and not allow mom to be mistreated. At any rate, back together but my boys don't like him and don't want anything to do with him. Two oldest live on their own. I understand its childish not talking or ignoring, but I do think my son is learning how to handle things and this is his way of handling it. They all respect my decision for wanting to make my marriage work but they don't agree with it. They think he is mean to me, talks ugly to me and just not the man for me, but they still choose to have a relationship with me. I have been a stepparent for 16 years in my previous marriage and there are fine lines that you don't cross no matter what. My DH now did cross those lines. I raised both my ex-husbands daughters one came to live with us a 16 and the other at 13, so I know all about teenagers and blended family b/c at the time my boys were smaller. I know about how his child could do no wrong and mine would get yelled at if they didn't eat dinner, etc. So, I think for my son there is alot of underlying issues too with men so to speak he doesn't trust them to keep their word. Anyway...rambling now sorry. Thanks for your replies!
i'm sorry but i have to agree
i'm sorry but i have to agree with dh, from the sound of it your darling dearest son is old enough to accept and respect your dh or get out and get on his own...if he's in college, he must be old enough to support himself. if YOU want this marriage to work and be successful, then don't let your KID cause friction in there, your focus needs to be on dh not your full grown son.
now with that being said.
why don't you find a mediator, schedule a time for you, your dh and your son to have a "meeting" with a neutral party like a pastor. Since you live with your dh and that is YOUR home, you need to make you and dh happy, not your son.
Sorry. I agree with the other
Sorry. I agree with the other posters. This 'kid' is in college. If he doesn't like the rules or like your husband he can move out. He can get a job, save some money and move out. Not trying to sound harsh, but he is at an age where this is possible and may even be good for he kid. Or maybe he can temporarily move in with an older sibling? Find a roommate? What if your skids treated you the way your son treats dh? How would you feel? Either that or listen to your kid's advice and leave dh if he really did cross the lines and screwed up majorly.
I'm gonna go out on a limb
I'm gonna go out on a limb here and agree with the poster. I think if there were a major falling out, so much so that her husband moved out and once they decided to reunite, the son left home to live with his grandparents, that mending the fence is gonna take some time and patience. Her husband cannot expect the boy to forget about what happened, but should instead work with his wife and his ss to help him to forgive or at least to understand.
This boy is beginning his life in the outside world. Just because he is 18 does not make him "full grown." He has begun college full time and has a part time job. I think at this stage in the game, his education is way more important then getting a full time job so he can afford to get out of his mother's home. It doesn't sound like this is an easy fix and I think that this group may need some family counseling. It isn't always about leaving or kickimg someone out. That really should be a last resort.
Yousaid it, they are MEN now.
Yousaid it, they are MEN now. Living in another man's house. Her sons need to follow his/their rules if he wants to live there. If not, he can move out, live with his older siblings, or move back in with grandma. Of course he has reasons to not like or trust the dh, but then why live there if you have other choices? The dh probably feels uncomfortable when he is in the same room as the son and the son doesn't acknowledge him. Who wants to feel uncomfortable in their own home? Even if the dh brought all this on himself, it is still his house (hers too) but NOT the skids.
He is STILL her son. These
He is STILL her son. These are one of those defining moments when the real adult should BE an adult. This boy is being protective of his mother. He is not being disrespectfuly to his stepfather. He is simply choosing not to engage him. This incident that she speaks of only happened 3 months ago. After something that traumatic in a marriage, even the couple takes time to heal. Why should the boy be any different? Because he's 18? He's a man now? Maybe in the eyes of the law, in some instances, like serving your country and being able to be kicked out of your home, but he still is a minor in the eyes of the law regarding the drinking age. So what is it. Is he an adult or a minor. I'm sorry, but in a situation like this where the boy is not doing anything directly to the husband or to the marriage, and is not getting in trouble with the law, is going to school full time AND working and is not being confrontational, I would choose my son if it were an ultimatum.
Husband can't have his cake and eat it too, even if he is a stepparent.
Trust and respect are earned
Trust and respect are earned both ways. Dh not cooking for your grown son who won't speak to him is no different from the many SMs who choose not to do so for our grown step kids. And it's not tit for tat. Dh is right that u shouldn't treat his kids one way just because he's treating your son that way. All kids are not equal.
My daughter is a gem, buys groceries, surprises us with full home cooked meals, brings home malts or cupcakes out of the blue, cleans the kitchen, takes care of the dog, folds our laundry.... Not regularly but out of the blue. She works three jobs and goes to school.
Sd and ssil did nothing, wouldn't speak, didn't acknowledge me, never once cleaned anything, even their own bathroom, left piles of blankets on the floor in their room when they moved. Ate our food, walked past dog puke and shit on the floor... Their dog... Ate our food, drank our beer, and together they earned 80k+... Didn't even say goodbye when they left.
I'd have a very hard time if dh treated my daughter the way I treat his.
Its hard in these situations
Its hard in these situations to find the right answer. Especially when it feels like doing right by one party is doing wrong by the other.
This must be a very difficult time for your son, and if I'm honest, it doesn't seem fair that he should have to live with a grown-up that has created an unsafe environment for him. It might be too much to ask them to share a house. The other children living there (and you!) will suffer the stress and anxiety caused by it. Perhaps you and your partner need to speak about the place you son is at the moment, he is no longer a child but he is not yet a grown up either. Certainly grappling with his masculinity whilst sharing a home with a man that has insulted him and his loved ones is going to difficult.
If his way of dealing with what are very strong emotions is to ignore his stepdad, I think thats the best you can expect. I think thats the best your husband can expect, (another man going through very strong emotions). Placate your husband in the meantime by telling him you will talk to your son, Just letting your partner know you don't want his feelings hurt and want to resolve the situation too will do the world of good.Tell him you can't force your son to feel any differently after what you've been through, but you will speak to him about it.
Your son has a right to be angry, but perhaps he would be willing to change his approach? Maybe you could find a way to show him how much your partner does that directly or indirectly helps this young man? There are many students out there whose parents simply can't afford to pay for them through college, perhaps you could remind him of that. It doesn't mean he has to play catch every sunday or anything, but responding to a question politely is a start. There won't be a change straightaway, but showing your husband you care and helping your son with his hurt feelings is a step forward.
Best of luck, and lord help us women stuck in a house full of boys.
Delilah
www.howtolivewithaliens.blogspot.com
Thank you for all the posts.
Thank you for all the posts. I am sorry, but at this point I am agreeing with my son. My DH during our separation, said some very hurtful, horrible things about all three of my boys and me. I chose to forgive him b/c I knew he said them out of anger and hurt, they did not. My son is 18 years old, but he still has the mentality of a 16 year old. He is by no means "grown" or "mature" enough to make rational decisions. He is a good kid, no drugs, does not get in trouble with the law, straight A student, graduated with honors. I am looking at it he is learning how to handle situations and he is choosing not to engage in conversations with DH. He is usually not home b/c of school and work and social life and DH works shift work, so there aren't alot of times their paths cross. He is not being rude, making faces, or stupid stuff like that, he is just choosing not to speak to him. I think my DH should act like an adult and respect the fact that my son(s) are still hurt over what happened and give them time to forgive and heal. You can't make someone like you or even love you for that matter. If my son was down right disrespectful trust me I would say something, he knows better than that and they were raised better than that. I just think we all need to take time to allow each one of us to come to terms with what happened, whats happening, etc., you just can't "force" it. And I will not kick my son out b/c of this, it was hard enough we he left to live with his grandmother and I felt that I had chosen DH over them. I can not go through that one again. Anyway....thanks for the support!
Ok, so I agree with your sons
Ok, so I agree with your sons beig hurt about what dh said about them and you. And of course, yes they are dealing with it. However, by reading a precious post of your it sounds like your son instigated some thingstoo and isn't such an innocent factor in this. He also choseto liv withgrandma so why did hedecide to move back in with a man he cannot stand? That was his choice. He already knows if he lives with you and dh that your dh will have rules. If he doesn't want to live by those rules then move back in with grandma. I'm not saying kick him to the streets. But he is willingly choosig to live with you AND dh- a man he can't stand. Iunderstand your dh's hesitation too because your son has already given him problems before. You say your son isn't being disrespectful, but he is by not acknowledging your dh the 'few' times they are around each other. I also think your dh can break the ice now and then too. But how rude is it if your son walks into a room where dh is and not say a thing? I'v seen sm here complain about that as well as complain about skids behaving like yours- defying rules of the stepparent, not respecting the stepparent, having the whole 'he/she's not my dad/mom' attitude, etc. So yes, he IS being disrespectful. Also, remember YOU were the one who chose to continue livig with a man who already expressed his feelings (negative) about you and your kids. Even though you claim he only said it out of 'anger', don't you think there might still be some true feelings in what he said? An you are STILL choosing to live with this man? As I said in my original post, maybe your sons ARE right and you shouldn't even be with this emotional abuser. That would solve a lot of your problems, it seems. But since you are still choosing to live with him, knowing how he feels about your sons, you are choosing to stay in this situation. Like you said, nothing can be forced. And it won't. An things will not get better unless both parties change an I don't see that happening
I agree, I hadn't read one of
I agree, I hadn't read one of your posts and edited my response asap, I think if this is how your son is choosing to deal what is a very tough situation, he is doing really pretty darn well, and better than most adults would. Best of luck with everything! These crazy situations us women put ourselves in....
Delilah.