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Do you have a SD that is older then your BD??

hbell0428's picture

Submitted by hbell0428 on Thu, 01/12/2012 - 11:25am

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My bio is 12 almost 13 - SD will be turning 15 in 2 weeks. SD does everything first......dates, dances, first to drive, etc......you get the point. DH tries to get me to do all the things that a mother should be doing. (bm is a joke) I see BD a bit sad sometimes that I am not doing that with her first......Picking out dresses; doing her hair for dances. I have put aside a bin of stuff from the kids from the first day they started preschool - to current. Upon graduation I was going to make a scrapbook loaded w/ all thier memories......am I gonna be the bad guy not doing this for SD?? I tell her that her time will come; but I feel bad......Is that normal or am I just looking too much into it.

shielded2009's picture

Submitted by shielded2009 on Thu, 01/12/2012 - 11:35am

I don't know...It depends on your relationship with you SD. If you want to do those things, by all means, go for it...If that's not where your heart is, then it's not your fault. BM being a joke is a part of her reality...

I don't have a daughter, but I have a son, and there are a LOT of things that I do that I don't do for SD...She's not my child, and I don't have that bond with her...A lot of her "firsts" she does with her mother, although they're not the type of things I'd do...

I've been experiencing a lot of that lately, especially with DS growing up...I don't beat myself up for it, but I do get upset sometimes at DH's family not making SD more of a priority with some things...

I do think your DH needs to back up a bit, though...He shouldn't be trying to make you be SD's replacement mother...

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

Submitted by not2sureimsanea... on Thu, 01/12/2012 - 11:41am

I think that's the world of the second child. I think it's much harder when they were only children to begin with and now has to make the transition to being the younger kid.

My sister (younger and biological) complained (verbal, not like your BD) about the same things. "OLDER SISTER always gets to do EVERYTHING first."

She forgets I had to fight for all my things while she just had them handed to her because my parents thought it was no big deal after I got them, and often, she gets to do the things I did at a younger age than I did because of that.

Your BD might be feeling blue not because you're doing "firsts" but that it feels like she's sharing her mom when she never had to before. I think it's important to give her something special when you're doing something for SD--it might help. Like taking her out to eat or taking her shopping for something small.

(In my sister's case though, it didn't. She complained when she got a BRAND NEW CAR that my mom gave me a set of maps when I got my dad's old car, and didn't give her one. Spoiled brat.)

I think your DH needs to step up and do things with his daughter too instead of solely relying on you to mother SD. It will make your BD feel less like her place in the family (you) has been uprooted.

my.kids.mom's picture

Submitted by my.kids.mom on Thu, 01/12/2012 - 12:14pm

Like mentioned, she may not even see it as "firsts" as she does you spending that time with sd. Sometimes we project how we would feel (with the parental knowledge that kids don't have) if we were our children. But she may not see the significance of "firsts" like you do.

Birth order is one of my arguments against blended families. Not sure how old the kids were when you married, but knocking a kid out of their birth order, strange as it seems, can cause problems. In your case, I would let your bd participate as much as possible. When sd goes to first whatever, take your bd out after doing her hair and make up, etc. Also, the dad needs to do things that sd's mom isn't doing. If he wants her to have a scrapbook, he can buy the stuff and do it with his daughter. It is not your job to cover everything that HIS choice in a parent neglects to do.

GoodbyeNormaJean's picture

Submitted by GoodbyeNormaJean on Thu, 01/12/2012 - 12:42pm

Yes. My oldest SD is 9. My oldest BD is 8. Then I have SD5 and BD almost 2, and Baby BD will be here in April.

I tell my oldest SD to have her mom take her to do some of her "milestone" stuff. When DH asks why I don't want to, I'm honest. BM is always reminding that SHE is the mom. Great! Be the mom! She has SD9 3 weekends a month, so when it comes to stuff like buying dresses and stuff, she can do it and she can likewise foot the bill.

As far as always getting to do stuff first, though...she won't. In my home, privelages are behavior based, not based on seniority. My DD8 is more responsible and gets better grades. Same with my boys. DS12 is much more responsible and gets good grades. SS13 is a good kid, but makes poor choices and is a little delayed. Just less mature with less commom sense. He won't be getting to do anything important until he earns it, so it's unlikely he'll be first.