Do you feel like a 3rd, 4th, 5th wheel?
Hello everyone, I'm new to the site and not really sure where I should post this, but could use some advice or even just some words from someone going through something similar...so I don't feel so crazy. I've been married for 2 years, blended with 3 kids. My daughter is 14, and is with us all the time, except every other weekend. My SD, 14, and SS, 16, are on a 2/2/3 schedule, 50% custody. We never go more than 2 or 3 days without seeing them. My daughter is very independent, always on the phone with her friends, and my SS is also very independent. Not the case with my SD. She is up her dad's butt all the time. When she is home, she is in whatever room he is in. Always, except if she is doing her homework or taking a shower. She follows him around the house, and is involved in whatever he is doing. If he cooks, she cooks with him. If he cleans, she cleans. If he mows the lawn, so does she. If he wants to go for a walk, she goes. She even asks him to work out with her....They will actually do situps and pushups together. When he leaves, she waits at the door for him to come home. She will call if we leave and ask when we're coming home. She used to have a really bad attitude towards me, but he talked to her about it. And I must admit, that she's been very sweet to me lately. And I do appreciate her efforts to change her attitude. I do love my stepkids, and I think it's great that they are so close, but it is difficult to deal with, and their relationship almost seems to make it harder for us to get closer as a married couple. I realize that I may come across as immature, and maybe I am, but I wonder if others feel the same way? It's like because she basically follows him everywhere he goes, she gets all the good conversation that I miss out on. I love my hubby, but I'm not gonna follow him around the house like a puppy dog like she does. It's like I'm the 3rd or 4th wheel everytime they come home. I can't spend any alone time with him because she's always there. I've talked to him about it, but he said, "What do you want me to do, tell her to go away?" That seems harsh, but yeah, kind of...I can't only be his wife half the time. And because she is always by his side, they are always making plans together, and sometimes my stepson, too. It feels like I'm always the last to know. He is always saying "WE" referring to the three of them, are going to do this or that...do you want to come? Like I'm an afterthought. And they do "couple" type things together all the time...Like fixing things around the house, putting up the swimming pool, painting, making dinner, going to the grocery store. I can't even explain it really. It's almost like she's the wife. For example... Over dinner, SD tells me that her and Dad were discussing some renovations they could make to the backyard, and what did I think about it. I don't get it. I thought teenagers wanted to be alone most of the time. I know that when I was 14, I didn't like hanging with my dad very much at all. I wanted to be with my friends. Thoughts anyone? I'd really appreciate some advice or just words of encouragement that I don't sound like a complete nutjob.
Welcome to the site!
The main developmental job of Dads, generally, is to help kids to slowly become more independent. Where mothers can tend to be a bit protective, it is the job of fathers to encourage kids to dare, to extend themselves, to cut the apron strings. Your DH needs to understand this and to stop enabling his daughter to continue with her obsession with his company. He probably finds it flattering but it is not helping either her or you. At the age she is, in the normal way of things, she should be starting to transfer her allegiances and intimate friendships more and more to friends rather than parents.
So yes, he does need to tell her to go away, in a gentle way. If he constantly props her up she is never going to learn to stand on her own. Time for a bit of tough love, otherwise in a few years time she is in danger of becoming a rather sad failure to launch cuckoo in the nest.
Yes, almost everyone on this
Yes, almost everyone on this site feels the same way. I am yet to read a post where someone says otherwise. I just posted something similar myself. You can't be expected to be happy when she is coming as mini-wife, and you are all of a sudden an outsider looking in. He is also a stupid male and probably won't think much of it. Sorry you feel this way
Doesn't this drive him crazy?
Doesn't this drive him crazy? My DH would have ordered SS to find something else to do if he followed him around like a dog.
Only very very occassionally
Only very very occassionally does he seem annoyed by it. Most of the time he enjoys it. He says he loves spending time with his kids and considers himself fortunate that his daughter wants to spend time with him. I love my daughter, too, but I don't want her up my butt all the time. The strange thing is...sometimes I think he feels like I should be the same way. Following him around all the time like she does.
DH problem
He's Should parent his kids
Mini-wife syndrome
Google this topic and you will see that you are definitely NOT alone in this.
When a child is elevated to the position of wife, and you the actual wife are relegated to mistress, it will cause much strife. Do some reading, and research it and then have a BIG giant talk with your husband. He is YOUR husband. Not hers. Of course he is flattered that she gives him so much attention, but help him understand that he is keeping her from growing in the right direction and enmeshing with her is driving you away and taking away from her abilities to form attachments in a HEALTHY way with others.
I agree with you completely.
I agree with you completely. The problem is, I've tried to talk to him, over and over. He's sick of hearing me, I think. He says he understands, but then, when I question him, I can tell he doesn't really see it as a problem. Or he says, "What am I supposed to do?" and acts helpless. I told him she's his daughter, and he should be concerned and figure out what to do. Also, it seems like he acts like he thinks I'm crazy. I can tell he just wants me to stop talking. I don't know what else to do. My friends and family have given some advice...to insert myself into everything he is doing 24/7 just like she does. To make sure I'm always there first, so she can see that I'm there and that will make her back off. But, I've never been the type of woman to follow my man around like that. It makes me feel weird. I'm just not like that. Also, I feel it would just cause her to turn up the heat, so to speak. I'm a grown woman. I don't have time to sit by the door, or sit outside and wait for him everytime he leaves. BTW, I told him that she does that, and he didn't blink an eye. You think it would bother him that she waits for him like that.
Then its a no-go zone
You will need to really examine if this is the right relationship for you, and is this something that you can live with both short-term and long term. keep posting - I think that writing it out is helping you gain more clarity.
I think that the easy answer is to force yourself to be involved in everything he is doing.
The hard part is to threaten to leave and be willing to back it up.
Have you tried talking to HER about it? (last ditch effort)
Some kids have to be forced
Some kids have to be forced to increase their level of independence. DH needs to keep the message firmly applied to SD-14 trhat she is no longer a small child and needs to give him some space. The more she clings, the more he should force some separation.
IMHO of course.