disengaging?
Hello Everyone,
I am newer to this site and would like to learn everyone's opinions on the disengaging approach. I have honestly never heard of it until I read through the posts in this site. Does it seem to help? Does that mean you do everything seperate for your kids and SO does everything for theres? Does it create a divide in the household or your relationship with your SO?
The problem I am having is not so much with the step kids, they are actually pretty decent MOST of the time lol. The problem I 'm having more of is with a nosey mother in law who was the single mother of my SO her ONLY SON. She can be loveable but she's very needy. She even told my daughter on fathers day that MIL celebrates fathers day too bc she was always the dad for my SO. Weird thing to say to a 9 year old right? She's constantly nosing herself into everything. She watches SO's kids after school on his days so she's always using that as a way to nose herself into our lives. Super passive aggresive but "nice" on the surface so to my SO she seems like the nicest person on earth but on the real she is super insecure about me being in his life. I don't feel like someone like that deserves my emotions or time that I could be spending on my kids, SO, or myself...Would this approach work with a nosey MIL? I could beat her at her own game, but that's alot of energy and I don't know if stooping to her level is worth it....
I posted a rant on here about her a while back and how she acts different now that SO and I have moved in together. She watched my daughter last summer with the other kids (totally NOT her job but was nice of her to offer, she was compinsated and my daughter is never any trouble) and this summer she hadn't said boo about watching her waited until the day before summer vacation started and because I answered SO's phone on speaker phone and they were going over a calendar she asks about my daughter so she seems fair in front of him *huge eye roll* if you wanted to include her you would have asked WAYYYYYYY before. now you are just trying to look good in front of your kid.
we went on a wine tasting trip the other day with other adults (this rarely happens because our schedules are so weird) and she's texting my SO about cute stuff his son did, really like that can't wait? she KNEW we we on an adults only trip and how rarely that happens.
I missed SD's promotion ceremony bc of a lack of communication from my SO. he was ok with me not going (I couldn't get out of work on late notice) and so was SD and MIL told me "I hate to tell you , but SD was really really dissapointed that you didn't go...she was so looking forward to you being there and on and on" I talked to SD and she was completely fine and showed me pics of her hair that her mom curled, MIL was trying to shame me for whatever reason. SD never even talked to her at the ceremony there wasn't time he had to go back to class after
I could go on for paragraphs with all the passive agressive needy-ness but I guess what I really need to know how disengaing works and if it would work in a MIL situation?
thanks for the put guys!
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It helps you. I don't think
It helps you. I don't think it helps anyone else, at least not in our house. Can't say when you have bios too, all I know is he does for his. Do you share children with this man? If yes, you both do for shared. If they are just yours, than you do for yours. He does for his. You stop putting in effort like crazy, you just let it be. Do what you want, etc. Not sure why you'd have to disengage from your guy, or step kids, if your problem isn't with any of them?
Is this your MIL or the biomoms (BMs) mother? If you're talking BMsM, woah, oh no, I think BMs family are for Bam to deal with. If it's his mom, can't you talk to her? If not, he needs to set some boundaries that work for you & him.
Did SO not tell you on purpose? About the event? That'd make me upset with SO, not MIL. What gives? Is he just trying to avoid you getting annoyed with his mom? Or with his ex's mom? Because if your married he should be more concerned with you, than his mom or ex's mom IMO. So there may be a problem with SO?
I believe disengaging from MIL could work, stop talking to her, aside of simple pleasantries when you actually see her. Be polite. If she starts something, walk away. Don't pay attention to her BS.
about the event:no it wasn't
about the event:no it wasn't on purpose. His ex doesn't start drama with our relationship at least she hasn't so far, lol. She is engaged to some rich dude so she could give a crap about us haah. it was an honest miscommuincation that is totally his fault not his mom's. I don't feel like it's her job to tell me about it. I just didn't appreciate her passive aggressive made up story about SD being upset when she really wasn't at all.
the MIL is SO's mom, who I wish lived in another state lol
we do not share children he has two bios and I have one, none together though
she sounds like a nut job.
she sounds like a nut job. very similar to my own MIL, who divorced dh's biofather when he was just a baby and never had any other children.
it depends on how much you care to interact with her. i had a fine relationship with my MIL, even called her Mom. or so i thought. then the insidious passive-aggressive s#!t started. i could handle that and let it roll off my back. drew away from her, but kept things good on the surface. until she screamed at my husband that dh's ex IS MY FAMILY AND WILL ALWAYS BE FAMILY. i cut her out of my life completely from that moment on.
she wanted so badly for her oldest grandchild to be her own, basically discarding dh in favor of catering to oss. she got it, oss moved in w/ her over a year ago.
dh himself has 90% disengaged himself from her, he'll discuss logistics if the kids want to spend time with her, but not much more than that. he hates the person she has become.
so it'll depend on your toleration level and whether or not she's crossed your line in the sand. you might test the waters by just withdrawing from her a bit and letting your dh handle interactions. be pleasant when you see her, but other than that dont let her occupy space in your head. she's not your mom, you dont HAVE to deal with her. you dont HAVE to deal with ANYONE you dont want to, it's just up to you to determine if she has become toxic to you, or just annoying as phuc.
OMG same! She divorced my
OMG same! She divorced my SO's dad at a very young age and never had any other children. We started out fine too, what seemed great in fact SO and I moved in together and alllll the passive agressive crap started. I feel like she's threatened by me and her insecurities are making her do all these irritating things. I really don't want her to occupy this much space in my head so that's why I'm researching the disengaging thing.
I feel like she's the mom from that show everybody loves raymond and my SO is raymond at times...not so funny when it's real life and not on TV lol. that's the only way I can describe it. I even nicknamed her Marie to my best friend lol
marie. hilarious! my MIL was
marie. hilarious!
my MIL was threatened because she was the matriarch. dh's st.dad is the 'head' but MIL is the 'neck that turns the head.' she has always been very much in control of the three generations of the family. now dh found someone else to turn to, and the kids turn to me for a lot. she is threatened by what she deems a loss of position, she's not the alpha female for dh and the kids, now I am. so i TOTALLY relate to what you described.
disengaging is fluid. how much more or less you are disengaged depends on what feels right for you at the time. and it fluctuates based on many factors. like i said, try to step back from her a bit and ignore her bullcrap. see how that feels for you.
yes to everything you just
yes to everything you just said. I think that's what the problem is. She got to call all the shots and now that we moved in together I'm stepping on her turf. She has a husband thank GOD. They have been married about ten years and he just feeds into all her crazy and let's her do whatever she wants.
This behavior is so weird to me, she is retired take up a hobby that doesn't require nosinginto your sons life. He makes sure to talk to her a few times a week isn't that enough? we both know the answer to that. NO it's not enough because she is Marie
ah but marie HAS a hobby
ah but marie HAS a hobby already.... *snorty*
dont ever let her see that it bothers you. just smile graciously and be your fabulous self. i've spoken to MIL twice in four years. "oh no problem!" when i picked something up from her for one of the boys, and "thank you!" when she said i looked pretty (at oss' graduation). both times with a smile then focus my attention elsewhere.
i have no use for her in my life. i get that this behavior is totally foreign to you, but your dh has known her a lot longer than you have - let HIM deal with her, and YOU interact with her as much or as little as YOU choose.
I think disengaging might be
I think disengaging might be the way to go....we'll see how holidays go. she tried to say she wanted a tahanksgiving with just me, SO, her and his Step dad, wtf? (all kids were with other parents) I was like you can have that for half the day and then we are headed to my families house for a regular disfunctional family thanksgiving lol
She tried to run christmas too, I politely put my foot down and had the day at our house,so my family could be invited too, she wanted it at hers so she could invite my family over for snacks then they wouldleave by dinner lol nope again and she says it so sickenly sweet no one catches that she's being rude AF
So you are right I will speak when spoken to and be polite. Also I will NOT marry that man unless we go to some kind of premarital counseling. he needs to hear from a third party that his mom is bat shit crazy
yes! lol
yes! lol
Disengagement works well for
Disengagement works well for some. I on the otherhand am not usually a proponent of it. I am more of a full confrontation of the oppositon with the facts guy myself.
In the case of SO's mother an effective communication regarding not being able to attend the promotion ceremony would be "Well, that is odd. I spoke with SD and she said she did not even speak to you at the ceremony. She and I spoke before the ceremony and after and she said she understood and was not bothered by me not being able to attend. Where exactly did you get the impression that she was upset since apparently you never spoke to her at the ceremony?"
Lather, rinse, repeat. This motivates the toxic DipShitIots to crawl under their rock and stay there.
Disengagement seems to not get the message across that their toxic behaviors will not be tolerated. Ignoring toxic behaviors is tolerance of toxic behaviors.
Hand her her ass with the facts. You might find that tactic to be more effective than disengagement.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.
I think disengagement is
I think disengagement is another term for de-escalating, when a relationship (any relationship) has experienced either a failure event, or the other party involved in the relationship is needing boundaries consistently drawn because of overstepping...How much you choose to de-escalate is entirely up to you. If you look at relationships regarding level of intimacy on a scale of one to ten (one being the acquaintance stage), The elevator goes all the way to the tenth floor, but there are 8 floors in between one and ten. Your choice to get on the elevator with someone is a two party decision...you and them...what you choose to self disclose and what they choose to contribute is solely your choice. as the elevator escalates, the personal risk increases, but so does the level of intimacy with another and the required trust to sustain that level of intimacy also increases.
Expectations, rules of engagement, core beliefs, goals, definitions of what is and is not acceptable, cultures, your own self worth, motive, values, all play into the elevator ride. If failure events keep happening, then it is time to re analyze the level you choose to engage with this person...a lot of people get forgiveness all wrong regarding when there is a failure event. We must forgive or the unforgiveness will consume us and turn into bitterness. With that being said, you can forgive someone and choose to re-engage with them at perhaps a lower level of intimacy than before depending on the seriousness of the failure event. Or you can forgive and choose to totally emancipate the relationship and get off the elevator altogether.
Disengagement can be applied to anyone..not just steps. Boundaries are what separate one level from the next...it takes a little time to think it through...but once you can define how far you are going to allow your mil to engage (it is your choice)....then you can start drawing healthy boundary lines. I always use to think that there were only two choices...in or out...meaning level one or level ten...When I discovered the other eight levels of engagement, it took a lot of pressure off from me to let everyone on the elevator and go where they chose. When I realized I GET TO CHOOSE...then they learned I GET TO CHOOSE. and I am worthy of having my choice honored by dh, mil, and steps... If someone treats me "less than" then In my opinion, they are not safe, and quite frankly...they do not get to go past level one...the relationship remains very professional sounding. that's it...I do not self disclose anything. and if they inquire about how my life is, I respond "great. thanks for asking'. (end of conversation)...If they start asking probing questions, I just respond with Why do you ask? and that is how I begin to draw the line and point out that their question is encroaching on what I am comfortable with disclosing.
The ball is in your court when it comes to your mil. She does not just get to come into your home and start manipulating her way unless YOU LET HER. I learned that in some cases...No. is a complete sentence. You do not have to explain yourself to her...it is none of her business. Why does she get to come and stay at your house to begin with? Can't she find other accommodations? That was nice of you to allow her to stay with you...My home is my refuge and NO ONE gets invited into my personal space unless I invite them...
It is hard to define disengaging because there are all kinds of levels to the disengagement process. it is normal for relationships to experience declining seasons depending on the circumstances. One thing I would not recommend is if you decide to step back from mil...Do not make a public announcement about it. I think that is the worst thing you can do to yourself. I makes you an immediate target from those you are choosing to disengage...because they do not see anything wrong with how they are at the moment...they are just being themselves. the only thing you can control is how much of them you want, and at what level of commitment are they allowed to engage with you...Peace
so it's been less than a week
so it's been less than a week I decided to only speak politely when spoken to and it feels great! I also talked to my mom about coming over to our house to watch my daughter while I'm at work for the rest of the summer. She is super happy to help and hang out with her now that my mom is on break from her job she can do that. I told my SO that my mom is coming over to pitch in and help and that my mom is willing ot watch his kids if needed. Thats the way it should be I feel. they all live in the same house the option should be given for all of them to be watched together if the caretaker is able. I felt like if his mom can be in our house unsupervised then so can my mom. He doesn't seem to have a problem with it at all. we will see if crazy MIL has a problem with it, but I don't really care! Its NOT her house. Taking even a small bit of control feels GREAT. thanks for all your advice every one!