Dh defending sd bad behavior and excuses

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I'm so tired of my husband blindly defending my stepdaughter. She is 18, living with my parents, going to community college. He thinks nothing bad she does is a big big deal. She spends over 14 hours a day at her boyfriend's house, driving 45 minutes to an hour, each way, burning gas and destroying her car to do so. And yet tells us oh she's running out of money and doesn't have gas money and needs money. I told husband we are absolutely not financing that for her to go to her boyfriend's house. Also, he, the boyfriend, works overnights and she's going over at 7 AM. I asked what are they doing? My parents said stepdaughter states they are sleeping. I said she should not be driving that far every day just to go sleep over there. Also, did we decide this is acceptable? She just graduated high school and has never had a boyfriend! This is very risky behavior! When I told my husband, he says it's not our business and let her live her life and let her make her own mistakes and let her figure it out. And I'm like except she's going to end up pregnant, and we are going to be financing all of her mistakes. And we are going to be financing all of her gas driving over an hour every day back-and-forth both ways. We also have two young small children together, and I don't feel feel like it's fair to take away from them financially or otherwise. We also pay for my stepdaughters entire life, college, got the car, insurance, car insurance, and health insurance, all her psychiatry appointments for her ADD medication, all of her counseling appointments for her emotional issues. It's exhausting. I don't know how to make My husband understand that she needs to be working, be focusing on school, and not driving an hour each way to see her boyfriend every single freaking day. My parents want to help, but they are just her grandparents and they are just letting her live there. They are not obligated to do behavioral interventions for her. Stepdaughter does have a job at a restaurant, but has dropped so many hours to be around boyfriend. Only worked one shift last week. It's so really there's two issues here… 1_Stepdaughters behavior obsessing over boyfriend and not doing schoolwork and not working… And 2-husband thinking this is not our business and literally raising his voice to me and yelling at me whenever I try to bring it up to find a solution. This is a historic problem. He always defends stuff Daughter blindly. It's his way or the highway. He is also ADD and has similar thoughts, problems with impulse control, planning, etc. I did not realize either of them had it when we got married if you were wondering. Stepdaughter got progressively worse as she got older and we have been married over 10 years.

Edited to add

Edited to add Stepdaughter lives in Previous state with my parents, Husband and I moved away from all family to a new state for a job. Stepdaughter stayed back with my parents to do college in previous state . I'm Terrified for the future. I Cannot live with her again. I Will literally go live a shelter before I live in a home with her again.

Depends

It depends on your situation. Do you work? I'm guessing no with 2 little ones. So, your hands are tied somewhat if all is coming from his finances and you might not be able to separate them.

I'd leave the issues of boyfriend, school attendance, her job aside. I'd focus on 2 things 1) getting an agreement with him about how much $ goes toward her care and 2) her birth control.

Your main concern is your family finances. Do you both do the bills and saving and all that? I'm guessing he has a good income if he can afford all her expenses on top of your family. Perhaps you guys would have a calm discussion or two about goals, like the kids' education and saving for retirement. Don't even bring her up. Discuss what it will take to reach those goals, like budgeting and seeing a financial advisor. Maybe when he starts looking at that larger picture, he will be more motivated to cut some of her expense.

I have a feeling your DH is like mine was. My DH made good money and he used it to support us but also threw money at the SD problems rather than take the harder path, like saying no. I guess I could have fought him harder back then but it would have been a heck of a long fight and I doubt if I'd won in the long run.

Count your blessings. She lives in another state with the grandparents. I understand your fear about her moving back, my SD moved back after divorce#1 with a baby, then again after divorce#2. Each time he moved her in with little discussion but I told him I'd leave it she ever moved in again

No i don't work bc daycare

No i don't work bc daycare will take my entire check. Also on the birth control issue- she's on the pill but won't take it consistently or at the same time daily! AND my dh says I'm the only person who says you have to do that! ummmmm no sir - that's how bc pills work!! I've said we need to get her the shot or iud. No one listens! My mother agrees tho.
Dh refuses to discuss $ w me, would rather divorce me than go see financial advisor , bc dh knows everything! He's part of the problem, a stubborn know it all.

From a SM to a 62yo stepdaughter like yours

My SG62 was like yours at that age and my DH was/is the same as yours. I could write reams about his avoidance, denial, enabling. We currenty supplement her disability but if he had his way, we'd be giving her more.

The only thing that has helped is separating our finances. I finally did this 8 years ago when I got her out of our house after a hellish year living here following her second divorce. We are on Social Security and he gets part of that as "allowance". Part of it goes for her subsidy. Not one cent of "family" money goes to her and nothing gets put on our charge. What he does with "allowance" is up to him, I ask no questions.

This solution isnt perfect but it's put a boundary around the situation and I can live with it. The real issue is DH87. I heard him on the phone with her yesterday. She was giving him a new sad story ("No food for 3 days" despite getting welfare food) and he told her to come over tomorrow, it's his Social Security day. She will be cutting his hair and doing minor cleaning and he will be dolng out.

I feel for you. Just know, it doesnt end with these dads.

If you were me-- a 40 year

If you were me-- a 40 year old with my own babies ages 1 and 3, what would you advise? I'm looking for honest insight, since you've lived it!!

See my reply above

Typed it in wrong area.

No one should be paying for

No one should be paying for SD to get layed except SD and her F-buddy. Period. Dot.

No money. In addition, if she is not complying with your parents' household rules, it is time for your parents to boot SD and let her navigate her adult life on her own.

If SD cannot maintain her amourous escapades on her own dime and manage them with some discretion, tiime for her to live those choices. If she gets pregnant, she and BF can deal with it, one way or the other.

My Freshman year of Uni my GF became pregnant. The very first semester in fact. I did not use parent provided resources then. I used my own resources to support her choice regarding the pregnancy. Including proposing, buying an enagement ring. I was your SD's age. She was 2 years older.

The problem is-- if my

The problem is-- if my parents boot her, my dh will make us pay for living accommodations for sd. He always bails her out Always !!!

How is this even a thing in a marriage?

"....my dh will make us pay....."

One spouse does not get that much power. Ever. Marriage is a partnership. If I were you and he pulled this shit for me, he would find the locks changed and his shit on the curb when he made this dictate.

If you say no, the answer is no. Each partner has veto power and that veto cannot be overturned unless the one playing the veto withdraws it. Decisions are joint decisions. Particularly any decision that requires use of marital resources. I'm a all in guy and of the opinion that any income is marital income. The only way I would agree to this if DH has a long standing 529 plan and any and all SD related expenses come out of that. If not, she can get her butt to work and pay for it herself. When the 529 funds are gone, she is done.

If he cannot discuss and compromise, then stand on NO! She is an adult and her clearly demonstrated poor judgement puts the onus on her to figure herself out.

I would.

It's def a husband issue bc

It's def a husband issue bc he will just do it anyway. I can't literally stop him, if he wants to do it he will. It's not nice and i know what you're saying and agree but what can i do if he does?

Re-key the locks and apply a

Re-key the locks and apply a proverbial foot to his ass to give him clarity on who he is married to. If that ends it, then good riddance. This Skidult is a life time curse since the odds of her actually launching and daddy letting her navigate that process are slim and none if not absolute zero.

I have no use for people who subjugate their spouse for a kid or any other toxic individual. If she is in a communtiy college she has a HS diploma and can enlist in the Military. Start leaving brochures from recruiters on the dinign table, his night stand, etc... and tell him that it is time for SD to finish growing up on her own time and her own dime since commuting to get layed seems to be her priority over working and going to class.

An on campus residency situation might make her a bit more available for class and work. Since she would likely be dating someone also resident on campus.

One potentially redeeming data point is that at least she isn't bringing her F-buddy to your parents home.

IMHO of course.

Failure is how we learn. She

Failure is how we learn. She needs to run out of money and work out how to get some to pay for her gas or live without it and adjust her behavior in the future. She has a home and presumably food from your parents kitchen so this would be a very soft failure, but important for it to happen. Equally she needs to fail a few classses or a semester and see that she can't just shack up full time with her boyfriend and succeed. She needs to have a relationship that goes wrong so she can learn from that too.

As JRI implied your monetary contribution is all you can really control. Hopefully you can work with your husband and agree to stick with her current amount of support, but if you two can't find agreement then separating funds is the way to go. Maybe finding examples from your husband's past where failure lead to significant learning and behavior changes could help him see that he shouldn't always try to rescue her?

I agree with this.

So, in some ways your DH is right.. she is an adult and needs to learn from her own experiences.

But.. there is also the side of things where she is living with your parents and if she is breaking their house rules.. her dad should be counseling her on the privilege she has had.

and... if your Dh is providing her support, he should be able to have some expectations of her performance in school.. as well

These are BOTH for her own benefit.. to be successful in life.

I would caution about hitting away at every issue though.. because do you really want her "home" with you? no. that will be the next option if this doesn't work..

So, agree on finances.. she has a job and can work for more gas money.

Focus on her school performance.. and if that is dipping.. what is the alternative for her? military perhaps?

I would not be overly focused on the boyfriend and that driving.. unless her schedule is overlly impacting your parents in a negative way.

I agree she needs to fail and

I agree she needs to fail and learn but the problem is my dh always bails her out !!! So all she learns is that nothing matters and she can call daddy to bail her out!

SD62's impact on my life

Your post touched on the impact of your SD's choices on your finances and other matters. It made me think about my SD62's impact on my life. As I mentioned, we've got a workable financial arrangement now but that's not all.

My SD62's life is so chaotic. That's her choice but when things get bad, she calls DH87 then that chaos lands in my life. I've worked hard to establish a quiet routine and it's necessary with my age, DH87's oncoming dementia and the oversight of my mom101. Osteoporosis means I have Silver Sneakers 3x a week, I visit Mom twice then there's the Dr appts, shopping, bank, the normal things needed to run a house and keep life goung.

Whenever SD62 shows up in my life, it means more work or problems, without fail. The last time she came, supposedly to help clean, she groaned theatrically as she came in, collapsed into a chair and began her organ recital. Too sick to ckean, in other words. I ended up fixing a meal for her, running around to get her this and that. I was exhausted when she left.

I guess what I'm saying is the financial drain is only part of it and DH87 will always be worried and helping his "sick, unlucky" daughter and it will always bleed into my life.

Yes i can see it'll never end

Yes i can see it'll never end and it's depressing

It your life

You choose the way you want to live it. DH isn't going to change. SD has no reason to change. That leaves you with a compromise on SD behavior, and living conditions. Or a exit plan

Yep ur right Sd has no

Yep ur right Sd has no reason to change! Dh is stubborn,. I'm upset bc i worry for my two small kids about what is best for me to do

You ask

how to make your DH understand that what SD is doing is not good for her or for your family.

The thing is - he understands it completely. But if he acknowledges a problem then he will have to address it with her, come up with solutions and consequences and then hold her feet to the fire to make sure the changes are fulfilled.

He doesn't want to do any of that so he blithely denies there is a problem. This is reported regularly on ST.

My DH did that with his adult daughter. She would be rude as hell to me and he "didn't hear" it. This happened a lot. The final straw was when she was mean to my then four year old granddaughter by ridiculing a picture she had drawn especially for her. My head shot up and I saw her little lip tremble and I snapped. Before I could speak he finally, finally called his daughter out on her behavior. I think he was afraid of what I was going to say... he did get better about it after that. But it was pure avoidance that caused it in the first place.

Yes i think ur right... he

Yes i think ur right... he prob knows what's happening but chooses not to deal w it bc it's easier to just ignore , less effort. Not a great way to raise a human tho, which explains a lot of my sd's issues!

THIS IS IT - right here. Yep.

THIS IS IT - right here. Yep...if they acknowledge then they have to deal with a problem. Dollbabies - how ugly a scene does it have to be before you DH steps in?? Adult daughter doing that to your 4 year old granddaughter - absolutely abhorrent.

I haven't seen this advice

I haven't seen this advice posted lately but there was this gem " this is your problem and you need to handle it or I will and you won't like it if I handle it" Say that to DH. Put him on notice that this needs to end.

I think the problem in this

I think the problem in this situation is that if she does something to "handle it".. the result could be her SD getting kicked out of or wanting to not live with the grandparents.. and her DH would allow her to come home.. or would pay for another housing option.. which neither of those solutions are better.. in fact they are worse than the current situation.

She could get her parents to take the keys.. her DH would make them return them.. "so she can attend class and work".

her best bet is to attack issues where she can couch them as if she is looking after her SD's best interest.

RE BCP.. she can print out info to show that how it is taken impacts effectiveness.. and that a shot or implant or IUD would be more reliable and less trouble for the girl... and may even provide benefits like lack of periods. She can say.. "I think it would be easier on your daughter and less chance of her ending up with an unplanned pregnancy if she were using somethign different... here is some info you should look at.. I don't want her success to be impacted by something that could easily be prevented"

RE money:

I agree that ramping up a focus on spending and saving issues for their household vs complaining about his daughter being irresponsible will have better results. Perhaps and I hope that your husband is compensating your parents for his child's presence there.. that has to be a burden for them...

Agree, her living with us or

Agree, her living with us or us paying for living is worse than current situation .My parents are saints!

re bcp my mom actually did this w sd! Explained how she's currently taking it doesn't protect her. Dh "doesn't care what Google says" and knows more than a dr apparently! Prob not worth trying to convince him. Even if she gets pregnant he'll have an excuse.

Re $- he literally yelled at me "not everyone saves money like you!" Which is funny bc i can't save anything due to his spending! Again my parents are encouraging and helping sd to save 10% of her $. Which is ridiculous bc she has no expenses.

re compensation- nope. Dh isn't paying my parents for his kid living there. Again my parents are saints!