I'm so sorry. I don't know what you should do about dh but please do seek out counseling for yourself. That can help you sort things out. (((HUGS)))

I am so terribly, terribly sorry. Your poor heart must be completely broken.

I agree perhaps some counselling for yourself. It's hard to get support from family and friends because you don't want to disclose things like this. So get support wherever you can. Hopefully people here may be able to provide you with that support. Me, sorry sweetheart, I cannot, I am just so angry for you right now,I actually despise the creep. Sorry, I know that's not helpful, but I am so hurt and angry for you it's not funny. No one deserves this, no one.

Not only did he cheat, even cheated when you were carrying his child, but when given the opportunity to be honest about it he lied. That lie right there said more about him than you can possibly know at the moment, but when he shock wears off, and it will, you will realise you are married to a pathological liar. His life with you has also been a lie.

He is in tears, he is sorry from the depths of his soul. Well, how many times did he sleep with the two women you know about and never got around to being sorry. Now, now you know this, now you know he slept with his ex many times while you and he were engaged, and this prize didn't feel sorry, in fact in case he wasn't betraying you enough, he decided to tell his ex personal things about you. Was he sorry. No he's sorry now, why, because he got caught. He's sorry he got caught, he's sorry there are consequences for his actions, and if he crys and pleads sorry, maybe those consequences won't be too bad. He is doing what he clearly always does,, he's thinking about, and looking out for, himself.

Sorry to be so blunt, but I am so sorry for you, I'd like to punch his lying, cheating face in. He just couldn't stop could he. No shame about sleeping with someone while you were pregnant. He is a total low life bastard.

Sweetheart, you have married a cheater. He's not going to change. You will be dealing with this all your life if you choose to stay married to him. Is this what you really want. You say you don't want a divorce, but your options are live with a man who you can never trust, not after this, or divorce. This is no longer a happy home or healthy relationship in which to raise kids.

You know in order to fight with someone you have to care. You don't fight with people that you don't give a damn about. His fighting with her repeatedly was a warning sign. You can have a fight or two with people over an issue, but then you just don't care, if you don't have feelings for them. Still this guy would be using his kids as an excuse for all that passion that came out in their fights.

I don't know what you want to do. But I would seriously give this an awful lot of thought. Can you honestly get past this. You weren't fully over the first disclosure. How do you get past this. You have to think of you. Can you remain with him and have a happy life with a man you love and trust.

A young girl I know, caught a sexually transmitted disease from her defacto. He was her one and only boyfriend. She had never been with any man but him. She went to the doctors for her usual Pap smear test and found out she had a STD. He tried to blame her, swore his innocence and finally admitted to one. 3 years go by, they are buying a home together planning a wedding. One night her phone rings. He had accidentally rung her while in the arms of another woman. This young girl heard it all. You know what, he denied it. Well she called off the wedding. 3 months later he married yet a different woman to the one he had been with the night he accidentally made that call. No one will ever know for sure just how many he had cheated with, the woman he s married to well, I often wonder what kind of a life he would be giving her.

When they lie like this darling, they never change. You deserve better, you child deserves more than you living with a man you cannot trust.

Again, I am so sorry he has put you through this. Look after you and your child, he cannot, he is incapable of that, so you need to look after yourself. This man has made a complete fool out of you. So he and his ex think. Show them both your no fool. Start looking after you, and do what is truly in your best interests.

^^^ I agree with everything posted by emotionallybeatup. ^^^

I know you are probably blindsided and confused right now, but once the shock is over you are going to have to stand up for yourself. You feel like you are losing your mind, but that is because you have been lied to and decieved for so long your reality is askew.

At this point you should go through the entire house, top to bottom. Leave no stone unturned. Go through the garage. Go look through his trunk. His desk at work. Go through his emails and his cell phone and verify each name and number.

Once a cheater, always a cheater... You will see that you can't live your life always looking over your shoulder for the other woman, one being BM to your SK and can't keep zero contact with.

Sorry is too late now.

I feel for you. I was cheated on and I had things that he told the other woman that were just between us as a couple. It's a pattern, you see? It's textbook. It's as though there is a cheater manual they all follow. Don't fall for the reconciliation bit. I did and was only honeymooned to prevent WWIII in the divorce, and then he married his affair partner a month after I kicked him out. Now I got two assholes talking bad about me all the time and to the kids.

I honestly can't understand why it's so hard to say NO to sex when the opportunity presents itself. It's disease minded, weak willed behavior. They always find a way to justify the deed, too. Usually the betrayed one is blamed for not giving the husband enough attention, but that's backwards. Cheating is like stealing and people cant help themselves to stop doing it once they start doing it. They only confess if caught red handed, and even then they try to turn it around on you to try to make it look like it was somehow your fault.

But like I said, we should not have to babysit or watch them like a hawk. It's tiresome. Once they get caught, the cheating goes underground. The cheater gets sneakier to hide it. Multiple emails, secret Trac phones, secret apps. It's never-ending. You need a divorce attorney, because the money is better spent on that than on counseling and therapy.

There are so many guys out there, gentlemen that will treat you better. No more bad boys. No more guys in need of rescue. You pick who you want, don't let them pick you.

(((Hugs)))

Do you have financial means to leave? I won't even pretend to say that now that it is in the open you can move forward because we all know that if he has cheated twice (that you know of) he will keep on. Like another poster said, you should get counseling because this IS NOT anything you did and there is going to be a time when you will doubt that and he will make you feel like it was.

It is time to make your move. Get custody established and see a lawyer for divorce. Be strong lady, you will come out on the other side an even stronger woman! A woman who will find a partner who loves and respects her enough to be his one and only.

So sorry this has happened. I understand you don't want to get divorce. I don't think there's anyone who wants to get divorced. However, sometimes there is no other option. If your husband was beating on you every day would you want to get divorce?

While you may not want to ruin this marriage your husband by his actions has shown he does. While you may have respect for marriage your husband - by his actions has shown he has no respect for this marriage.

I could understand if this was a one time moment of weakness occurrence, but this has happened at least twice that you know of.

Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. By that I don't mean to imply you are foolish, I'm saying do not let this person take advantage of you. Your husband has shown you what type of person he is. You are under no obligation to stay married to a cheater.

*hugs*

I am so sorry that the man you love has done this to you. No woman deserves to be treated like that by the man that she loves, and claims to love her, and especially not a man that has taken vows and committed himself to you! You DESERVE BETTER!

I am the type of woman that if my dh did anything that "I" deemed inappropriate I would leave his ass. If I knew he even kissed or touched another female I would dump his ass! That may seem harsh to most BUT I look at it this way, if he doesn't respect me ENOUGH to at the very least keep his hands and mouth to himself...what is to stop him from taking it to the next level?! kwim?
It is like doing drugs...you start off with something and then after awhile you need/want something stronger to get you that high...that is how I view things such as this, it could start off with two ppl just flirting but then before you know it can be a full blown sexual affair! I prefer to be safe rather than sorry...there are men out there that won't lie and cheat...they are definitely few and far between but they do exist. (I hope) Life is just too damn short to stay with someone who has no respect, appreciation, and loyalty to YOU and ONLY YOU!

I wish you the best! *hugs*

Your husband sounds like mine used to be. I would not wish the hell I went through on my worst enemy.

1) is your husband willing to go to counseling? Not just to work on your marriage issues but to work on HIS issues? He likely has some sort of compulsive issue with sex or he is just a plain old ass that cares only for himself. I dealt with a husband that was both. We pulled through it and are very happy now, but he has to be committed to fixing ALL of him...not just the cheating part because that was just a result of his other issues.

2) are you willing to go to counseling to work on your issues as well? Everyone has issues. A happy marriage is a marriage in which both spouses understand their history and why they think and feel the way they do and how to deal with their feelings. I thought I had a happy childhood except for a screaming mother...turns out it was my dad that screwed me up by giving me feelings of abandonment (he was just not that interested in me). Then my jerk of a husband gave me a whole new set of issues.

3) identify ALL of your marital issues. I thought cheating was our only issue...turns out my husband was also severely emotionally and verbally abusive and even somewhat physically abusive (he used tactics to make me feel small = physical abuse). It took us almost three years to identify all of our issues...his were the deal breaker issues, mine were mostly self esteem issues caused by him.

I highly suggest reading the book "Why Does He Do That, Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. This will help you understand what is going through his head and if it is tied to abuse, it will help you to identify it and not feed into it.

My DH cheated on me with 11 women...2 while engaged and 9 while married. I had no idea (ok, I wondered but didn't think he was capable of it). He was a horrible ass and abusive and destroyed my self confidence and turned me into a completely different person. After nearly three years of learning and soul searching and changing, he is nearly a dream husband. I don't even worry about his cheating hardly at all anymore (I have learned not to be naive). I would say the odds of a man being willing to do the hard work my husband did is slim...they need to reach rock bottom before they are willing to change. They have to see their old way of life is destroying them before they are willing to change.

Hugs

I am so sorry for what you are going through!! I have been cheated on before (my ex) and it made me feel absolutely horrible. The worst thing I can imagine my DH doing is cheating, and to cheat with BM would be the most awful thing I can think of!! I would not be able to stand having BM calling/texting and seeing my DH for pick ups/drop offs knowing what happened between them. It would make me literally sick. Since your DH has already cheated twice (that you know of), it is very likely he will do it again. Now you know you cannot trust him. I would get yourself some counseling and try to figure out if you really want to stay married to a man you cannot trust. I understand you don't want a divocre- that would be my worst nightmare too- but you deserve better than this. He has disrespected you to the fullest degree he is capable of by sleeping with the mother of the kids running around in your home. I would be physically sick if my DH did that to me.

Sadly, the affairs you found out about are probably only the tip of the iceberg. Where there are two episodes of cheating, there are most likely many more casual contacts with other women. That's reality. The wounds to your emotional well-being are extreme in this kind of situation. You may experience some PTSD-like symptoms. You may feel like you are going crazy yourself, having out of body feelings, panic and anxiety. The foundation of your safety has been destroyed. I agree with the other posters who say to invest in legal advice ASAP. Protect your assets and get custody and CS arrangements made. If possible, get some anti-anxiety medication so you can rest. Figure out which of you is leaving the home. Then ACT. Make decisions that keep you safe and protected from any more assaults. He might as well have been beating you. It hurts just as much.

The worst thing about this is that you have found out about the betrayal with BM so long after it happened. It's easier to make a decision if the events are fresh and you are acting in the moment, but a dreadful situation to decide whether your marriage is viable based on something that happened 5 years ago. The real questions are:
Can you ever really forgive him or will the bitterness eat away at you
Can you trust that he will never cheat again?
Only you can discover the answers. I would really consider therapy for yourself to help you work through your feelings about this and decide what is right for you. Maybe you should also consider separating from your husband, initially on a temporary basis so you have some space to work out how you feel about him, and see how you feel about life without him. He sounds like a man with serious issues. If he takes the opportunity to man up and address those then that might also affect your decision. If he just keeps pleading and promising and emotionally blackmailing while taking no action to change himself then that would also tell you a lot.

Nothinfoya, I'm thinking this would hurt far, far worse than anything physical he could dish out. Broken bones and bruises heal. Broken hearts never fully recover. He's broken her heart. The sexual betrayal did that. Repeating personal confidences to BM, well he just took the broken pieces and shredded them into millions do pieces.

I read optimisticMe's post with interest, I marvelled that she could do it. But my heart sank when she said she "hardly" worries about his cheating anymore. Which means she sometimes worries.

I worry too about him rushing off to counselling to "save" the marriage, to show you how much he wants to change.

Counselling doesn't work when someone goes to just save their arse. Counselling can only truly work when someone comes to the realisation themselves that they have a problem and they need help to fix it.

Getting caught, fearing the marriage will end, are not a good foundation on which to build counselling. That is not a true realisation he has a problem. That is, hell, I'd better be seen to be doing something here.

Had he come out of someone's bed, or perhaps had he shocked himself so much when he realised he'd opened his mouth and betrayed your confidence with his ex and said to himself, this is wrong, I need help, then you would be in with a chance for getting a good result from counselling. But going through the motions just to keep someone/something, well that never works.

My husband put me through hell with his total betrayal when he allowed and by his silence encouraged hs daughter to treat me like dog poo. He was the love of my life, my soul mate. I cannot tell you how much I loved that man. When I finally banned that woman from my life and home, his little punishments, just got too much. Stupid things, withdrawing, using a tone of disrespects when he so much as had to answer me yes or no if I so much as asked if he wanted a coffee. When I finally decided that was it, well he knew it. Suddenly he wanted to go to counselling. He went for 10 months. But although he appears to have changed, he hasn't. He goes through the motions, on the surface it looks like it,. But he hasn't. If his daughter walked back into his life he would behave exactly the same way all over again. Why, because he went to counselling to save his marriage, not because he had some sort of epiphany and woke up to the fact that he had an emotionally incestious relationship with hs daughter. You can't fix a problem that you don't in your heart of heart recognise is a problem.

I agree with the poster who said move out even for a little while, it might just give you the breathing space you need.

Got half way through your OP, and have to say - WALK AWAY NOW! He's a Jerk.

There is a great site I found once. It's called Talk about Marriage. There is a section for infidelity.

It may offer you some comfort.

Keep your chin up!

HUGS

Holy SHIT!!! Ok - this dick takes the cake for the month of inconsiderate, cold, cruel, selfish morons.

I would definitely advise you to RUN - don't walk.. if you were my sis. I am also fuming on your behalf and would love to slice his wondering dick off for you.

Stay strong for your li'l man's sake and start making plans to move out 'cos y'know what darl? He ain't gonna change - ever.

Fri77day. I wish you well in your choice to stay and try to work this out. Me, I still want to smash his face in. If your in Australia, call me.

Make yourself and your child a priority. You first.

If you find this too hard, then leave. Your little one would be better off in a happy single parent house, than in an unhappy
stressed two parent house

I hope this works the way you want it to. I hope you can put this pain away and never feel it again. I hope he becomes a man
who deserves you. If not. I wish you the strength you will need to leave. All the very best to you and your child.

you deserve much better than this. take inventory of the situation. you came here to vent and seek fellowship and advice.

many hugs going out to you.

DH betrayed you. lets not mince words. he emotionally slapped you in the face. you did not deserve this. keep your appointment with the therapist because this is abusive behavior. find how you can leave the situation if you can, and your therapist will support you in this. please read "should I stay or should I go" by lundy bancroft.

and don't feel bad about being a therapist yourself. you are too close to the situation to see objectively.

hugs again.