Desperate for a relationship with SD
DH is clearly desperate. And I clearly need to vent.
SD only comes over Wednesday evenings. This was her choice because she hadn't been coming at all and had to choose when she wanted to come: weekends on one weekday evening. She chose a weekday evening. She's supposed to tell DH ahead of time whether or not she plans on being here.
Whenever she calls, he announces it to me. "OH! SD is texting. OH! She wants to come over".
Yesterday, she texts (which made it clear that something was fishy) that she wanted to see him and could he pick her up. Of course, he said yes. She asked if they would be coming back home here and was I going to be home. He said yes and asked why. She immediately backed out of coming over. She claimed to be so sick and she was concerned that she'd get me sick. :? DH stupidly believes this story and falls right in and starts bad mouthing BM and questioning SD about whether or not she's been giving her meds and whether or not she's been to the doctor. She claims it's the flu in one text then later claims that her mom (a pediatric nurse) nor the doctor can figure out what it is and why she's still sick a week later. Keep in mind, she is still going to school through this "very, very bad flu". 30 minutes later, she's convinced him to instead pick her up Saturday afternoon.
Once she started the texting about not coming over he backed off of telling me so much information. Never once did he call her out on her lies about being sick. He lets her manipulate him constantly.
/end vent
Ha! How old is she. Sounds
Ha!
How old is she. Sounds very much like my OSD who is now 19 and has her dad on a string. Read my latest blog about their special little trip to Nashville. You might be in for a long, bumpy ride.
She's 12. I've known her
She's 12. I've known her since she was 9 and know their interactions have been this way since she was at least 8.
He told me that she was coming and he STILL hasn't told me that she isn't. It's like he's too afraid to actually say that she isn't going to be around for fear that saying it makes it real. Dude, it's real! She's not coming and she's disappointed you yet again. We do not talk about her. At. All. The only conversation that is allowed is if it is positive or if he vents and I say 'uh huh'.
I read your blog. I didn't even know how to respond. Geezus. I would have been PISSED.
How did you deal with this while she was growing up?
Oh man. 12 is when I
Oh man. 12 is when I officially came into her life.
For the first couple years I really tried. I was always told it was a phase. That she really was a doll and was just going into her teen years and upset about the divorce. I was full of empathy bc I have little sisters only 4 years older than her...who had actually lost their dad young. For the next four years I just ignored her EOW (it was hard!) and counted down the days.
@Sally He would lose it.
@Sally
He would lose it. Every time I try to "switch on the light in his brain" he shuts down. He doesn't want to explicitly say the truth of their relationship. I think he thinks that makes it real. Instead, he says nothing in hopes that no one else will notice. Whenever I've brought up something to him about her, he claims he doesn't notice. Whenever I say something to her about her behavior or don't bite when she's rude and manipulative, he gets pissy. Because of this I've disengaged, but it's still rough to see him so dumb about her.
@TwoOfUs
How did your DH handle you disengaging from your SD?
He knows I don't care. I've
He knows I don't care. I've stated that clearly. I don't talk about her in a positive light at all. I say "okay" and "uh huh" when he talks about her. I told him that I am done trying with her until she tries with me. The ball is in her court.
I don't tell him to pick her up and bring her over either. I'm very supportive of them doing things where I am not around or involved. When she comes over, I make sure to have something else to do.
At first he pouted and whined
At first he pouted and whined a lot, because I was NOT disengaged from SD15 (she was 11-13 at the time I started disengaging from OSD, 13 when she got Cancer and OSD was vile to her about it, killing any empathy I'd had for her for good). My youngest SD has been crazy about me from the beginning and still is...though naturally she wants to spend more time with friends these days. She always offered to help me cook, wanted to learn about how I manage the house and asked me a lot of questions about how to handle household finances, how to budget...style, clothes, hair, etc. She's pretty girly and organized and her mom is not, so I think that's partly why she took to me. It's always chaos and messiness at her mom's house, and I know this bothers her. Before I started working from home I had a teaching job at a fancy school and dressed up with heels every day...YSD was basically in awe of this. YSD is a bright, eager to learn, happy kid.
So for about a year, after I officially gave up on OSD in my head, EVERY TIME YSD suggested that we go do something and I agreed, my DH would look hurt when I told him and say: "But what about OSD? What's she supposed to do?" (Um...I don't know. Hide in her room texting or eat all of our expensive food and barf it up later in the shower like she normally does...) So I would diligently trudge to her room, tentatively knock on the closed door...and "invite" her just to appease my husband. She always said no. That was bad enough. It was even worse when DH got involved and made her go with us...then no one had a good time.
Eventually, though, she disengaged from us. Or, she always was disengaged from us...but as she got older, she became more insistent and forceful about it. She started making my husband miserable, too...and she tried to stop coming over when she was late 16-17. My DH put his foot down and said no...but the second she turned 18 she quit coming over. Out of sight out of mind for me. I think I've reached out to her via text twice in the past year and a half. Once to invite her to a lunch to celebrate Father's Day. Which I deeply regretted because she was evil and mean to her dad and made YSD cry (when we got back in the car, just me and YSD riding together, she was crying and so angry that she was shaking. Said she can't wait for OSD to move out for good and "doesn't understand why she has to be like that.") The other time I had made a big batch of her favorite soup and offered her some...left it on the porch for her to come by and pick up.
Now, YSD has a job, she works hard, buys her own clothes and her own entertainment for the most part...puts together really cool looks from Goodwill, just got promoted at work to head baker (she works at this cute little small-town organic bakery) and is an all-around awesome kid. OSD is still living off mommy for the most part and just checked herself into an outpatient eating disorder program. We are happy about this and hopeful for her...but I still don't plan to get involved with her...unless she checks herself into some kind of place that cures toxic, horrible personalities.
Thank you for that. It's
Thank you for that. It's helpful to hear things like this. It certainly sucks that you have to deal with it, but it gives me a better idea of what sort of issues are happening and how others handle it.
SD spent last Father's Day with her stepdad. I wonder what this year will be like with me and DH's new baby in tow...
Wow, you're so lucky you only
Wow, you're so lucky you only have to deal with it on Wednesday evenings! Many of us would give a right eye to be in that position.
It sounds like you've sort of disengaged, but your DH's attitude towards his little princess is annoying you...
The good news is that she will start getting boyfriends soon and have even less time for DH.
I would just let it go and ignore him completely when he does his little routine.