Dealing with difficult people
I have a MIL who is, shall we say, intense. Very emotional, dramatic, and in my opinion mean and self centered. Theres always negative snarky comments. Examples:
I bought DH a work shirt for xmas. Dh made a comment joking about how he sucks at picking out his own clothes. MIL: oh I guess the shirts I got weren't good enough. (Ehe had bought him a bunch at a rummage sale awhile back.
We gave her a picture from our wedding in one of the frames we used to decorate. Response was well i wanted one of just DH, why didnt I get any other pictures beside this one.
She was upset because my 2 year old niece doesnt "act as interested in her anymore" and would rather go play then just cuddle with her the whole time.
Also she has no tolerance for the kids being there. She wants them to come there and then gets extremely upset when they act like kids and take toys out and make noise etc. She wanted to make cookies with them and then the whole time was going "that's too much frosting" "no that's not enough frosting" etc and generally acted like it was a miserable task to have to do with them. Theres been several times when her kids have decided to leave early because she started losing her temper over something stupid. Her one daughter who lives in a dif state (and is a very easy person to get along with) wont even stay at her house when they come visit anymore.
The biggest issue is how she tries to interfere with parenting my SD and her blatant favoritism of her and rudeness towards my son. I have posted previous blogs about that if anyone is really interested.
So my question is how do you guys all choose to deal with difficult people? Kill them with kindness? Grey rock? My family for the most part is the opposite - too nice and overcompensating almost so this is not something I have had to deal with alot. Generally I've just ignored or avoided people I didnt like much in other areas. Since the holidays are coming up we will be around her more.
I just want to add that my DH did try to talk reasonably with her about these things once because I was extremely upset that she interfered with our planned joint bday party for the kids and planned one herself for SD and messaged my husband to make sure DS was excluded from it. It did not go over well even though he spent alot of time planning out how to carefully approach her about it. First she flipped out on him, then gave him the silent treatment, and then finally acted like she understood but nothing has changed. If anything shes more blatantly rude to my son and passive aggressive. For example she will come to our house with bags of things she bought for SD and will hand DS something from the dollar aisle "to make sure shes being fair." So basically talking with her is unlikely to help.
You really need to get your
You really need to get your DH on board, if guilt tripping and nagging work, become your MIL to get your way. if she is rude to your son she should absolutely not be allowed in your home. I would tell DH he can take SD to family gatherings, and you and your DS will stay at home. Give him an option that if MIL apologizes and sincerely acts like she is going to be respectful towards your whole family things can change.
Grey Rock
My MIL is similar, although maybe not as directly difficult (she prefers to talk about me behind my back rather than to my face). DH and I don't have any children of our own, so she hasn't been able to show favoritism, but she certainly prefers BM to me. She seems to even prefer BM to DH. Lately, BM has been threatening to take DH to court over nothing of substance. We hired a lawyer (after getting a threatening letter from someone who was supposedly and I know that if BM found out she would want to know why DH was "doing this to the mother of his children." No matter that the "mother of his children" is the one who is being the bully.
I go sort of grey rock with MIL. I don't typically reach out to her, but I'm friendly to her when I see her. I also try to avoid her as much as possible. She periodically complains to DH that I don't call or and that she rarely sees me...I think she has no sense of how unappealing it is to be around her when she's made it clear that she thinks I'm out to screw over her grandchildren (DH had nothing but debt when I met him, but BM is convinced that I'm already plotting to keep all of his assets from SSs), that she thinks I'm the reason DH and BM don't get along (she apparently wasn't paying attention for their entire marriage, when DH was miserable, or after their divorce, but before DH met me, when BM put him through the ringer), and that she makes it a point to always talk about BM whenever I'm around. I try to do just enough so that MIL can't accuse me of being rude, but not enough to let her bad behavior really get to me. It's a fine line.
I feel like I'm walking that
I feel like I'm walking that fine line right now. It's so stressful and unpleasant I really just dread having to be around her. Also I'm afraid I'm going to end up just flipping out after one of her rude comments. Which is probably the reaction she wants.
I hear you...
The struggle is real. I have to limit my time with DH’s family or I will lose it on them one day.
My MIL would act shocked if I lost it on her. She thinks she’s totally supportive of both DH and I.
A good rule for life in
A good rule for life in general is just to ignore aholes. Keep them away from you as much as possible. If they think you are horrible - so what. The opinions of aholes should be meaningless to you.
Be honest about it if pressed. No I don’t call you because I don’t want to. I don’t want to because I don’t like you. I don’t like you because you are not a nice person.
Oh I can just imagine the
Oh I can just imagine the reaction if I blatantly said that I didnt like her. There would be hysterics and tears. She went nuts when DH told her that she had come across the wrong way once. Instant poor me, I'm so devastated you would think that about me blah blah. No addressing the problem.
Actually, that might not be a
Actually, that might not be a bad idea. Let her throw her fit of hysterics. Then what? Ignore her. What can she kick against if her victim no longer plays by her rules?
It would be kind of amusing
It would be kind of amusing honestly. Unfortunately DH will still play by her rules at least to an extent so she will still somewhat get her way. She did ask DH once which one of us between her and I was more dominant (cant remember exact wording but that's what it meant). She said she was disappointed when DH said me. In other words she was sizing up which one of us has more control over him. Which I found very bizarre.
Then do it!
Then do it!
Seriously, maybe once your DH sees that you are left alone he might just see his way to following suit...
Oh, and I agree, VERY bizarre.
We will see if an opportunity
We will see if an opportunity comes up next week when we are there for Thanksgiving. I'll post about it if it happens haha.
Sounds just like my MIL
Once DH told MIL she needed to stop meddling in his conflicts with BM. She acted so offended and said she only meddled because she had to...even DH’s sister told her “mom, you need to butt out of his life,” but she just acted as if they were attacking her.
"Because she had to" yep that
"Because she had to" yep that sounds like my MIL alright. She needs to take over and raise SD for us because shes the only one capable. Makes alot of sense that the person who sees her once every couple of months or so knows better than the people who live with her, right?
There's a reddit group for
There's a reddit group for what they call JustNos. Search JustNoMIL.
A lot of them are extremes to the extreme but there is a lot of solid advice re: how to handle, disengage, get on the same page with your husband, etc., woven through some of the insanity.
My MIL is not so extreme but she's still a nightmare for me. I'm not a fan of her emotional manipulation and matriarchal hijacking of not just her family but essentially anyone remotely connected to her family.
I avoid interaction and grey rock her when it can't be avoided. She currently has more pressing family matters to horn in on and dictate so my avoidance has flown under the radar lately.
If she can't be avoided, grey rock her, put her on an information diet, boundaries, consequences and consistency.
You may not be able to remove her presence and interference entirely but you can trim it down significantly just like a crazy BM. After all, she is exactly that, just your husband's instead of your stepkids.
Thanks for the info. We have
Thanks for the info. We have pretty much done what you've advised with BM actually and its helped. She still attempts drama when she can but it's much less frequent and shes probably disappointed by the lack of reaction.
Sometimes I wonder how DH ended up with so many crazy people in his life and then I realize he probably thought BM was normal since his mom is the same way.
I wonder the same about SO.
I wonder the same about SO. His brother is actually much worse off but at least he hasn't procreated (yet).
I would just like to reduce, with the ultimate goal of eliminating, the drama and theatrics. We are doing quite well so far and we are relatively early in - just a few years. The progress gives me hope that we can get there without life passing us by.
Hope you can reduce the chaos MIL brings. I'm bracing for the holiday ramp ups. Ugh.
I feel the same. I just dont
I feel the same. I just dont want to deal with it. I dont know how some people seem to enjoy drama so much.
Your MIL sounds just as toxic
Your MIL sounds just as toxic as some of the BM's we read about on this board. She makes it so people do not want to approach her and tell her anything because she breaks down in hysterics. You do know this is all a ploy just so she can get what she wants, don't you? She's manipulative and knows that all she has to do is cry and your H will back down.
You should disengage from her and not have to deal with such a miserable person, even if it is your H's mother. So what she gets upset if you tell her how you feel.....the world still turns and she won't keel over and die. Most times people have to hear the cold hard FACTS and the truth is she is a conniving toxic MIL. It sucks for your H to be in the middle of it but......it is, what it is.
Oh yes it is blatantly
Oh yes it is blatantly manipulative. She pulls the exact same tactics as BM and unfortunately SD has also already learned them. Guilt tripping, talking down to DH, using SD as a pawn etc etc, being overdramatic, alternating between extreme nice and mean etc. Dh is a total sucker for it since hes been conditioned is whole life to be but he is getting better. Its interesting though that when DH talked to his sisters the only time hes confronted MIL the sister who was raised by her dad and not MIL instantly called her out on her crap and the other sister was all well "mom means well"
I agree..I would love to disengage. How to go about it is the thing that's getting me. I wish she was divorced from FIL, I dont think DH would care nearly as much if he wasnt there also.
Thank goodness for your
Thank goodness for your sister in law being raised by her father and happy that she called her mother out on that nonsense. People like MIL need to be called out on their sh!t EVERY time they do it. I know its draining but it has to be done OR just ignore her and give her nothing to feed off of. I imagine how difficult it is for your H, because its his mom but he has to create healthy boundaries for himself and some how maintain a good relationship with his father.
It's interesting your H isn't like her.......
Well I do see her influence
Well I do see her influence in him at times. But then at other times hes just like his dad who is basically a doormat. Hes terrible at reading people and situations so the passive aggressive crap his mom pulls his really beyond him.
Next time she says something
Next time she says something really shitty, pretend you didn't hear and ask her to repeat herself. Then loudly paraphrase right back to her what you think she meant.
"Did you just complain a toddler wants to play rather than sit for hours??"
She'll hate you, and refuse to come around.
Hmm that could be an
Hmm that could be an interesting way of handling it...
I agree with Ipso. It sounds
I agree with Ipso. It sounds as if your MIL is a narcissist, making your DH the child of a narcissistic mother. So she's a PITA, and her son has been conditioned to accept her bad behavior. If you put a spotlight on her selfishness, she'll hate you for it and will either avoid you or escalate.
If you google something like "Adult children of narcissistic mothers" you'll find loads of info on the subject. Thank goodness your DH hears and supports you.
Interesting that you say that
Interesting that you say that because that's kind of what I was thinking, but I feel like I've been putting that label on quite a few people lately so then question if I'm being overly judgmental.
Definitely googling that, hopefully theres something helpful.
I suspect there's a
I suspect there's a disproportionate number of adult children of narcs on this site. It makes us ripe for dysfunction and exploitation.