Could Use Some Advice
Hi all,
My 11-year-old step-daughter and I are home alone together for the first significant period of time since I married her dad, and we're having a bit of a rough time. I'd love some advice from anyone who has been here before.
A bit about our situation: My husband and I have sole custody of his 11-year-old daughter. Her biological mom has been completely out of the picture for about 7 years and my step-daughter literally has no positive memories of her mother, so there's some real emotional damage there, but, thankfully, the biological mother isn't an active presence in our life. My step-daughter and I have always had a very good relationship--I actually got to know her before I ever met her dad; I was a teacher at her school. She is a sweet, kind, quiet, emotional girl. Over the last few years (while dating and engaged) we've had ups and downs, of course, but all in all, I feel really lucky that everything has been so smooth for us. Her father and I got married three months ago. I adore them both.
My husband travels a lot for work, and he is currently working primarily on the other side of the country for the next two months. Our daughter and I are at home, and he visits as many weekends as possible. While things have always been easy for my step-daughter and I, they are suddenly becoming so difficult. I feel like I'm walking through a minefield every day. She's normally so sweet and caring, but she'll lash out and have these tantrums that are completely unpredictable for me. I know that she misses her dad, and I know that she's struggling with things being different in her routine--little things that I do differently than her dad--but I also feel like we cannot develop a routine at this point where she makes the decisions and what she says goes, right? We're new at this and I'm certainly not perfect. A few days ago I was late to pick her up from an after-school activity (something that I know stresses her out, I just screwed up and didn't leave on time) and that led to a big blow-up and then the silent treatment for two days. Our latest struggle happened this morning when she tried to get out of going to therapy this afternoon (she's been seeing a therapist for a few years now) and I told her that she had to go.
This is way too much information, I'm sorry. I'd just love any advice for this situation. I know I can't expect everything to be perfect, I'm just trying to make it through as smoothly as possible.
I'm not so sure I would
I'm not so sure I would completely throw out any chance of a relationship here.
It is possible that the girl is entering teenhood along with all the lovely hormonal swings and mental dramatics. It's not an excuse for her behavior but it may be the reason. The dad definitely needs to be involved in the discipline factors even if he is far away.
I appreciate your thoughts.
I appreciate your thoughts. And the teenager thing is good to keep in mind--I have been involved in her life since she was 7, so I think I tend to think of her as that same little girl and forget that teenager-dom actually is on the horizon
In regards to the previous poster, I maybe didn't explain things particularly well in my original post. I'm completely committed to my marriage and our family, so I'm definitely not looking to dump my SD on someone else. And we do have a positive relationship, we are just going through a bit of a rough patch.
I am a school teacher and
I am a school teacher and work roughly the same hours that my stepdaughter is in school, so I'm home with her a lot, but not a SAHM.
I think as a kid it is hard
I think as a kid it is hard to have a step parent and to make it worse it to be left with them alone with no parent for 2 months.
Sometimes when adults have stuff going on it makes them late, snowflake needs to learn to deal with regular life asap.
I would be extremely unhappy if my dad left me with a step parent 3 months after marrying them. I know you say you knew her first but to be left twice so to speak, first by mom and now by dad, it might be sparking some resentment.
I really appreciate your
I really appreciate your thoughts here--you gave me some good things to keep in mind.
His mom and sister both live
His mom and sister both live nearby and are very involved in her life--before we were together, they'd stay with her when he needed to travel, and he always made sure not to be gone for more than about 4 days at a time. This time, he had an opportunity arise that we all felt like was too good to pass up, so we decided to go for it even though we knew it'd be difficult. He still makes sure he's home at least every ten days or so, for as many days as possible, and my mother-in-law and sister-in-law are both still available and involved.
Where did she go?
Where did she go?
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.
These suggestions are so concrete and helpful. I'm looking forward to trying some of them right away.
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your comments.
Just to clarify a few things that seem to come up multiple times:
My husband won't be gone for two months straight--he's typically gone for 3-4 days at a time. It's just a two-month project, after which he will be home without significant travel for 6-8 months at least. And he certainly didn't force upon me any responsibility I wasn't okay with--he never would have taken on this project if I wasn't 100% on board.
I'm completely committed to making my marriage and family work--I'm definitely not looking to dump the responsibility for my stepdaughter on someone else just because she's not my blood relation, as one poster vitriolically suggested.
My husband has had his daughter in therapy for a few years now, to help her deal with stuff related to her mom and also her anxiety. She has recently started saying she doesn't want to go to therapy anymore, apparently because some kids at her school started making fun of her for it (middle schoolers are the worst).
And my stepdaughter really is a great kid, and I am truly happy she's in my life. She does awesome in school and never needs reminders to do her homework or anything. She never lies, cheats, tries to get away with stuff she's not supposed to do, etc. She's very kind, most of the time. I just feel like we need to adjust what we are doing to help her keep being the great kid I know she is.
Example: we didn't have a great night last night, and we had a rushed morning to get off to school/work. I picked her up from school today, and she was quiet for a few minutes on the walk home, then, out of nowhere, told me how sorry she was about last night, that she loves me, and that she thinks it's a good idea to continue going to therapy. Then she told me that if her dad was home and had seen her outburst last night, he probably would have told her that she couldn't go to a birthday party she had planned for this weekend, and that she thought that was fair, but also said that she knows I might be looking forward to alone time with Dad that night (he'll be home this weekend), so she came proposed a list of things that she can do and not do to earn the privilege to go to the party. We put them on the fridge when we got home and made a plan for how I'm going to check up on them, and then she Skyped her dad to fill him in and get his approval.
So yeah...she's a good (if weird) little kid.
First take some deep breaths.
First take some deep breaths. You and DH seem connected, you and SD are connected, just keep your calm and keep your head in the game and the three of you will navigate this just fine.
I would guess that the new marriage and dad's 2mo absence is the primary driver for her volatility.
I suggest that you and Dh set some basic reasonable behavioral standards for SD, discuss the standards with her, and start to consistently enforce her standards.
She is a pre-teen and testing her independence while transitioning the new marriage and dad's absence. IMHO the key is to not tolerate it, address it immediately when she steps out of line, and keep communicating. All three of you keep communicating.
It worked for the three of us. My SS and I are very close and a couple of months before his 23rd birthday he asked me to adopt him. We made that happen. He will turn 25 this coming summer. His mom and met when he was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2yo.
Keep up the good work and congratulations on your marriage.
You've been the only constant
You've been the only constant adult in her life, 7 years vs 11 years... thus I will not tell you the normal thing, if Dad's not there she's not there...
SD11 is hitting puberty and she's going to make your life hell from now on till probably age 25, this happens with bio children as well, just try and remember back when you where her age, how many times did you feel your parents' treatment are old fashioned and how many times did you think... I hate you....
If DH is supporting you totally about raising her and disciplining her, and DH never tells you, you hate my kid... if you have his full support... get creative lady, with disciplining, rewards and handling tantrums. There's nothing you can do about SD becoming a teen lol.... raising a teen is 10x worse then dealing with a skid lol....
Take into consideration, SD know you are not her parent... think how she must feel, both her parents are not involved in her life, a stranger is the only adult in her life..... I think this is hard for kids to understand, you will have to treat her in such a way that she feels she can depend on you...
If she lashes out - ignore her, walk away till she's calm, then simply talk to her about other things, things she might find interesting... as soon as you see she engage, slowly turn it to.... finding out why she lashed out, how does she feels..... I would seriously ask her if it would be okay if I join her in therapy.... and I will ask the therapist the same thing, maybe once a month a joined session.....