Contact with BM during child exchange

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Question regarding how to deal with a BM.

I am new to this situation. My SO has two children with BM, which he has in his care most of the time. During exchanges I attempt to stay out of the way. I do not go to her house with my SO to pick the children up and if I do rarely go, I stay in the car. When she comes to my SO house to pick up the children, I stay in another room.

My thought process is that she and my SO need to discuss child issues and they do not need me looking over their shoulders while they do it. Additionally, I do not want to be in a situation where I am doing mother-y type activities in front of her face, like getting the kids ready to go out the door. One time my SO daughter ran up to hug me in front of her and told me "I love you". Furthermore, there is obviously a tumultuous feeling on her end as she badmouths me behind my back.

Most recently, when she yelled at my SO for my behavior, I called her to invite her to sit down for coffee to explain to her that my intentions were actually good and to get her point of view. She never returned the phone call, which leads me to believe that no matter what is done it is not going to matter.

What is the process as it relates to a SM and child exchange? Should she stay out of it or should she stand around awkwardly while they discuss child issues?

"She never returned the phone

"She never returned the phone call, which leads me to believe that no matter what is done it is not going to matter."
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This tends to be the case in the majority of the situations we read about her. It won't matter how kind you are, what efforts you make to reach out to her or befriend her or just be polite to her. If she isn't willing to accept that you are a decent person, NOTHING you do can make her.

If you're involved, you're overstepping. If you're not involved, you just don't care.

>>>>>Most recently, when she

>>>>>Most recently, when she yelled at my SO for my behavior, <<<<<
what was her problem?? what did you"do"?

I didn't come out during the exchange.

Beth, Sounds like your BM is

Beth,
Sounds like your BM is the same person.

My DH refuses to go in BM's

My DH refuses to go in BM's home and she never dropped SD14 off at our place, because she's too fffffing lazy. It's ok, I don't want her to even know where we live!

DH said when I moved in with him, I was a breath of fresh air, because I like a clean and organized home. BM is a packrat and keeps EVERYTHING so her place is always cluttered and dirty since they have 2 large dogs and she doesn't vacuum. His allergies were off the hook at her place and he initially told me we couldn't have pets since he's so highly allergic, but since I keep things clean, our cat doesn't set him off at all!

~Mel