So, this is mostly a rant than anything, because I honestly don't think there is much we can do until BM makes a big mistake. 

If anything we are most concerned about my partner's 9 year old autistic son, because he is the one who is most affected by the total chaos of living in BM's house. It's to the point that his doctor has even made a statement that his behavior is severely worse (and getting steadily getting worse) with the BM because of the chaotic climate teamed with her refusal to provide basic rules, structure, and consequences. She has groomed the 9 year old into learning that all he has to do is have a meltdown to get whatever he wants from her, which has included screaming, throwing things, and punching her in public. He does not behave that way with us AT ALL because he knows that he loses his privileges at our house when he behaves that way. The 10 year old has actually evened out a lot over the past year. He even has been nicer to and more accepting of me, yay!

The 9 year old SS's behavior has improved dramatically not only at our house but at school. The people in the office have stated multiple times that he has come so far in the past 2 years (hmmm, I've been in the kid's life for just over two years, is there a coincidence?) and is always improving. One teacher actually told my partner, the BF, that they have seen a noticable difference in his behavior on our weeks vs the BM's weeks. He still acts up sometimes with his grandma, but that's because she lets him get away with things and I suppose that's just how it is with grandmas. He has still come leaps and bounds from how he used to be with her. 

Recently, the BM has made attempts at the last few appointments with SS's doctor to increase his medication or change to an entirely stronger medication. The doctor has already stated that if the kid is only acting up with her, it's not a medication issue, but she is relentless. My partner suggested that we create a schedule that is similar between both households instead, so that there is a guideline for structure. She disagreed with it from the beginning but she was outvoted when the doctor said that was a good idea. We didn't have to do much in developing a schedule because we have a daily routine with the boys that is simple but pretty solid. They come home, have a snack, do their homework, play their video games, and either shower before or after they eat dinner, maybe have another hour or so to play around, and then it is bedtime at 9pm. That's how it is every day. Honestly, he is knocked out at our house before 7:30pm more often than not. BM said that she cannot get him to do anything she asks at her house. 

She actually went as far as to tell the doctor that she has to restrain him for at least 20 minutes, 2-3 times a week, during his meltdowns. Something sounded fishy about that because she normally calls us if he so much as raises his voice at her. I came to the other boy, the 10 year old, and neutrally asked him later if his brother acts up so bad at their house that he has to be restrained. He looked at me real weird and said no never, she just yells at him if anything. So she wants to dope up her kid so bad she's lying to the doctor? 

Anyways, the schedule. We made a schedule and drew it up on a white board, have it hung up in the kitchen. My partner took a picture and sent it to BM so she could draw up her own and see what setup we follow. Not two days later, she tells him "we made a schedule but he doesn't follow it." Now, we all know why. She doesn't ENFORCE IT. How do you expect a 9 year old to follow a schedule on his own, without there being any system of reform? I confirmed it with the 10 year old, again neutrally, when he brought up our house's schedule in conversation. At first when I asked about the schedule at their mother's house he looked at me real weird again like he never heard of it, and then said "OH, I don't follow it, that's just for my brother. But no one really pays attention to it." I was like nah, your brother doesn't pay attention to it. Your mother tells him what to do, right? Nope. He says, no one does anything about it. 

SO my guess is that she now goes to the doctor and says "we drew up a schedule but he won't follow it. We need him on stronger meds." There is an appointment wednesday, so we'll see how that goes. I'm honestly done being nice, guys. My filter is so thin right now that it is see-through.

We are thinking about considering a cognitive behavioral therapist to help us with little things and a little bit with mediation between households. Someone professional that we can reach out to when we come to an impasse with the SS on things, like how he totally refuses to eat anything but pepperoni at our house. He would literally rather starve himself than eat anything other than pepperoni all of a sudden. The BM keeps disagreeing with therapy but our lawyer read over the divorce paperwork and confirmed for us that she does not make those final decisions, even though she thinks she does. As long as we tell her that we are reaching out to a therapist and show that we've tried to involve her, she can't really tell us not to help her kid.