Confrontation with Step daughter
Horrible and devastating argument with my step daughter in front of her father.
On Monday, my husband's daughter came over to confront me about a facebook message I'd sent her. Backstory: she invited us to dinner "the next weekend" on Halloween evening. Her dad's birthday is Halloween. So along came the next Saturday and my husband went over for dinner (I stayed home with a stomach bug). He arrived and she'd obviously forgotten completely that she'd invited him over. She eventually asked him to stay for dinner. When he got home, he said how stupid he felt, like an "odd man out," that she'd obviously forgotten about dinner. He mentioned it several times; I knew it hurt him to have her just forget, based upon the past 15 years of "forgetting" I've seen from her on Father's Day, in particular.
So I stewed about it and sent her a facebook message on Monday morning saying, in brief, that her forgetting about dinner hurt her father, I was done with it and didn't want any more (expletive) dinner invites. I shouldn't have sent it, obviously, this event stirred up YEARS of anger at her for the way she has routinely treated her father and the hurt I've witnessed in him.
She came storming into the house, went in and apologized to her father for forgetting the dinner invite and then instructed him to come into the kitchen where I was because "he was going to want to hear this." She started out by saying how it wasn't her fault for forgetting and how dare I call her on it. I replied that my reaction was just the tip of the iceberg for the anger I had toward her for years of neglect and hurting her father. She denied that as well.
The conversation a/k/a screaming match went quickly downhill and she snarled 1) I've never liked you; 2) this isn't your house, it's Dad's and I lived here longer than you have; 3) this is the second time you've tried to destroy our family; 4) you've always treated me and my brother like s--t; 5) you constantly say rotten things about my children; 6) you are no longer welcome in my home.
My replies aren't fit to print, but I conveyed my anger at her for neglecting her father, her behaviour on occasion, her disgusting 10 yr. old who is very hard to be around. She really flipped out at me when I said her son was a little jerk and it wasn't because he was "gluten intolerant" like she claims.
After she left, my husband and I sat down. The first words out of his mouth were "you can't post anything on Facebook, it causes problems." I was crying, shaking, furious at his daughter. The second words out of his mouth were "It wouldn't matter who I was with, she'd find a reason to hate them." The only upside right now is that my husband wasn't mad at me. He loves his daughter but has no illusions about who she is as a person.
I cried my eyes out that night, and I've been raging ever since - in my head, out loud, with or without an audience.
I realize now that I wrote her off emotionally, at least in part, after about the third time she upset her father with her attitude, neglect, forgetting, etc. I wrote off both her and her brother in February 2005 when my Dad died and neither one of them said one word to me about it. No "Gee I'm sorry about your dad" - nothing at all. My husband and I got married in April of that year and we didn't invited the kids to the wedding, but not because of how I felt. I put my feelings aside and actually asked my husband if he wanted to invite them and he said no, that it had nothing to do with them. Okey dokey.
So here I am four days after the awful fight. There's no fixing this and I, frankly, had no idea how much she hated me before the fight or all the offenses she had listed after my name. I thought I was the only one pretending all these years. 'Guess not.
I don't know what I'm looking for on this forum really. Maybe some empathy or advice on how to cope.
Thank you, Foxie, for not
Thank you, Foxie, for not jumping all over my stupid decision to do that in the first place. I knew I was wrong. And for not blaming my husband for not "fighting his own battle." This was my MY battle and he could no more have stopped a scud missile than this blow-out argument. Thanks for your kindness. I needed it.
That's not really what
That's not really what happened; the argument was strictly between me and her. He wasn't involved, except to the extent she wants him to "see how bad I am." But that didn't work, obviously.
Of course she can't take
Of course she can't take responsibility for anything (the SD) she's a COD....
Thank you, K.I.S.S., I
Thank you, K.I.S.S., I appreciate your advice. And yes, of course I knew I was in the wrong to post anything on FB. I was just SO MAD - so many years of witnessing her neglect of her father. It tipped the balance. And yes, SD is in her mid-30's. Good guess! If nothing more comes of it than 1) she starts parenting her rotten kid more responsibly and 2) stops being so neglectful of her Dad, it will be worth it. Thanks again.
Oh my heart goes out to you.
Oh my heart goes out to you. You sound like a very caring woman ~ and very supportive.
I have come to realize your same nightmare. The SD is just never going to like you ~ plain n simple ~ and that hurts. If you did something to warrant her feelings it would be easier to swallow but her feelings are irrational because they aren't supported by Anything.
My SD LOATHES me ~ it upset me just for the simple fact that it hurts her father. Who in gods green earth have her the position to decide who anyone is with. That is just ludicrous ! I always say ~ judge me on how I treat you ~ on the facts.
I am/was not a nightmare of a step mother ~ she liked me as long as I was acting/doing what she wanted me to do. When she reached her teenager years of 15/16 what poor decisions she made. That is what she got in trouble for , here's a few
Caught smoking pot
Caught by the cops with bad influences ~ the bf was pulled over n had drugs on him
Cut the screens in my garage to sneak out of the house
Had parties in my home n sent my younger children to their room threatening them
Lied to her Dad n her mother to go to a party ~ basically parents didn't speak to each other n she used it to her advantage
Eggs my home ~ soaped my car w vulgar pics
Threw a huge soda on my daughters bf car ~ there was a witness
Was caughter having sex in a car on school property ~
Brought ectasy pills in my home ~ where I had a 6 yo
The first five things my daughter was side by side with her n my daughter was punished accordingly. The problem is that SD had the EOWE with her mother n was only really punished when she was with us. Which wasn't fair to my daughter being that her only home is with me. So the inconsistency was eating at her ~ cause BM was the good cop. Which is funny cause months earlier she hates her mother n on mischief night she soaped n Saran wrapped her mothers car n blamed an old friend.
Where did I go wrong ???
You didn't do anything wrong,
You didn't do anything wrong, Enuff. ♥ These kids are damaged by the divorce and have to choose to be and act differently. My SD is also very judgmental, saying I was destroying the family "again". If I'd thought faster, I'd have said, "No I didn't do anything to your family. That was your MOTHER who destroyed your family." I'm sure that would have gone over like a lead balloon since her mother does nothing wrong and never did. UGH, I say! We'll all get through this together. Thank God for this site
I don't really know what you
I don't really know what you thought you'd gain in calling the SD out. You chose to fight your husband's battles for him and it didn't turn out well. You whipped her off a FB message (which you admit you should not have done), and SD accepted the call out. No one is pretending anymore...so why are you crying? It's what you wanted, you two ladies are finished with each other. Of course it can't be 'fixed'. Nobody airs that kind of mutual hatred at each other and expects to ever go back to both pretending again.
So dry your eyes and move on with your daily life. You started it, she finished it. It's over. Too late now to take it all back and/or try to erase the showdown. You hate each other, the masks are off and neither one of you want anything to do with each other any longer.
Frustration at other people's
Frustration at other people's actions can cause us all to snap and say rude things, I guess.
I see this exact situation
I see this exact situation happening to me in 15 yrs. Quite frankly- I wish I could call her out now, but she's only 13 and doesn't understand big words... lol
A FB message is tantamount to email- it's not like OP voiced it out in the open, regardless of which form of social media she used- it's like she emailed SD.
I might be flamed for this one, but, I disagree with the whole- "don't fight his battles" thing. I DO expect my DH to wield a sword for me. YES, I can defend myself, but he is my husband. His job is to be my advocate, and in turn, I am his.
Good for you for calling her out! And now?? Wipe your hands clean of her. As someone said above- let DH take it from here, graciously stay out of it and move on.
Thank you, OCS, I, too, don't
Thank you, OCS, I, too, don't agree that this was "his battle." For 15 years I've been stowing away all my anger at this kid for being a neglectful-yet-money-grubbing individual. This was my battle to fight.
Your DH knows what an evil
Your DH knows what an evil bitch his daughter is. That's good. Most of us have the hate spewed at us, then in front of DH it's all "aw, I wuvs SM" and our DH thinks we're the asshole.
Block her on FB if she hasn't already blocked you. Block her out of your mind, you don't need trash taking up space in your head.
Concentrate on your DH and loving him and forget her.
...slaughter a room full of
...slaughter a room full of koalas..."
That's what it takes for some people. I think the main reason my husband sees his kids so clearly is that he doesn't feel like he owes them anything from the divorce. It was the product of a lot of things, but mostly adultery on their mother's part for several years. And the kids knew all along. That also helps him to have perspective into their true personalities.
It's strange how things have
It's strange how things have settled down really since I argued with SD in front of my husband. We even joke about the whole "gluten intolerant" thing and say our puppy must have that too because she's so naughty. LOL! We're a strong couple and have always lived a very separate life from his grown children. Thank you, Kathc.
This is really a side issue
This is really a side issue here, but the gluten/casein intolerance can wreak havoc on some kids' digestive systems, and there is a theory that the offending proteins then cross the blood/brain barrier and make kids act crazy. As someone who is very familiar with the gluten-free, casein-free diet, i can tell you - the impact of what we eat on *behavior* is very real. I have seen it in many kids, and heard it described by many mothers many times. Some kids are susceptible to food dyes - Red 40, anyone? Wanna see a child climb walls and howl?
I do not know if it applies to the child in question, but i would not rule it out.
Here is one account of the change removing gluten brought:
http://www.anchoragepress.com/news/the-gluten-made-her-do-it-how-going-g...
I think it is mostly her
I think it is mostly her excuse for her son:
OP: My replies aren't fit to print, but I conveyed my anger at her for neglecting her father, her behaviour on occasion, her disgusting 10 yr. old who is very hard to be around. She really flipped out at me when I said her son was a little jerk and it wasn't because he was "gluten intolerant" like she claims. -- end of quote.
Could he be so hard to be around because he has special needs?
Gluten intolerance could accompany autism...
Everyone would LOVE to have
Everyone would LOVE to have gluten intolerance be this kid's problem. However, he's been on a gluten-free diet for a couple of years and is acting worse now than he was before the diet change. He was a pre-school biter, a kindergarten bully, now he's the victim of bullying. He farted in his mother's face in front of us, after hitting her two or three times. Gluten is NOT this kid's problem; it's lack of parenting. And no, it's not special needs either. He's a perfectly normal jackass who has been spoiled to the point of rot.
(No subject)
I think you should give this
I think you should give this woman a big, fat X out of your life. Block and unfriend her on FB. Don't let her in your home. You see her number? Let her roll over to voicemail/tell your husband his daughter is calling. Block her from your cell phone and email. Go exercise. Read a book. Call a loved one. She's not worth your time.
You could've conducted yourself better, but just chalk this up to a lesson learned and an opportunity to find a good venting website.
Good advice, Anon2009. And
Good advice, Anon2009. And yeah, I know, I was wrong, it was stupid. Impetuosity has always been my downfall. I'm living and learning for sure!
Daniemer, I so feel your
Daniemer, I so feel your pain. There's something to be said for knowing what ground you stand on and I totally agree how wonderful it is to have people to talk to about it.
I had a sort of similar issue
I had a sort of similar issue with SD8 recently. DH has been very busy. He spends as much time as possible with SD when he can. He was tucking her in one night and she gave him the 'I never see you anymore and I feel like you're ditching me just like mommy does' speech. DH felt like absolute crap, of course. He was free for a while the next day, and decided to spend that time with her, working on a fun little project together. SD decided she wanted to go play with her friends down the street instead. Of course DH let her go even though he was very hurt and pretty upset. I could see how hurt he was, and of course seeing him hurt made me sad and upset.
After DH left that day I had a little talk with SD and pointed out the obvious - if you whine and complain to someone that they don't spend enough time with you and then blow them off when they try to spend time with you, eventually they will get tired of it and just stop making the effort (in words a kid can understand). I asked her how she would have felt if DH did the same thing to her, and she admitted that she would have been really upset. I told her to think about that next time. I'll teach this kid empathy yet!
So yes, I can understand why you stepped in. You can watch someone you care about get hurt only so many times before you just can't bite your tongue anymore. And I agree with ocs - 'I DO expect my DH to wield a sword for me. YES, I can defend myself, but he is my husband. His job is to be my advocate, and in turn, I am his.' Well said, and I totally agree. I've felt the need to speak up and defend DH more than once and he appreciates it, and he does the same for me when needed.
See, O-T-R, that's exactly it
See, O-T-R, that's exactly it in a nutshell: mutual support. He doesn't let his kids say anything about me and get away with it. Never has and if he senses that they're being jerks, he pulls the plug on them. Good for you trying to make an impact on SD8 while there's still time to change her way of looking at her Dad.
To fight your husbands
To fight your husbands battles like that, is to insult him. It is disrespectful. Pretty much showing him and others he's stupid and weak. Because that is the picture you paint when you do things like that. You make him look like a fool. He's a grown man, I get you were very upset because he was hurt. But what you did was kick him while he was down. You made everything so much worse, your job was to love him, to support him, and to understand how much he was hurting, to be there for him. Not to take up arms, or a keyboard and blow his family apart. All of that aside. I understand the frustration that made you want to do it. I imagine sd never wanted you in her life and you have given her an out now. She need have nothing further to do with you because in her mind, you started it, on the surface that sounds good. The problem is, she came over, she apologised to dad for forgetting, she clearly plans to keep a relationship with her dad, with you in the outer. This could end up a whole lot worse for you. Dad gets invited to Christmas dinner say, before this you too would have been invited,now you won't, where does that put your husband. In a very awkward place,
This given her attitude was going to happen sooner or later. But it would be best if it had played out between her and her dad with no involvement from you. Better for you I mean.
I would do some quick back peddling here. I would apologise to dh. Tell him you shouldn't have done that, you were hurt that he was hurting at the time, you got mad and you sent it, but you realise now you shouldn't have. I think he needs to hear that. That way when sd starts to try and cause problems between you now, he's not going. To be so quick to think in his mind she's right. He will know you acted in anger and haste because you loved him, not hated her. Then stay out of this kind of thing. Let him and his daughter work out it out. If she attacks, hurts or insults you directly, by all means defend YOURSELF, but don't make your husband look small by fighting his battles with his daughter. Supporting him is one thing starting a fight like this is another. Good luck. At least sd won't be in your house anymore.
::blow his family
::blow his family apart::
c'mon- really? SD is not a child. OP had enough and called out an adult.
But isnt the suggestion that
::To fight your husbands battles like that, is to insult him. It is disrespectful. Pretty much showing him and others he's stupid and weak. Because that is the picture you paint when you do things like that. You make him look like a fool.::
seem a tad aggressive?
Thank you
Thank you
You're off base, E-B-U. It
You're off base, E-B-U. It wasn't his fight; it was my 15 years of anger finally reaching a tipping point. I just used this incident to air my own grievances. His daughter visits him four times a year on average and she lives five miles away. Halloween, Christmas, maybe Father's Day and one crappy dinner party somewhere in the mix. She does, however, visit her mother all the time. She also visits her in-laws who are just one short hop away from us, but doesn't not venture near. There is no "blowing apart" the family; the familial closeness is in some Norman Rockwell picture she has hanging over the toilet, but does not exist in real time for her. Naturally, my husband and I talked about the blow=up after his SD left and we're closer because of it.
Hindsight would be better if
Hindsight would be better if it came first, right? LOL. And again, not his fight. Mine, all mine.
How about this thought ~ I
How about this thought ~
I wouldn't have sent an email or anything that someone could revisit n read over n over again.
But with that being said ~ it amazes me that these kids truly think that their fathers have no feelings that they have no emotion. That things don't effect them ~ as someone said above they have no empathy. Was empathy not taught to these kids ~ is it because it actually requires a parent to communicate with a kid instead of allowing these kids to be plugged into to tv , computer n cell phones.
I think this situation was going to happened eventually ~ just the catalyst would have been different.
You're right, ENuff, it would
You're right, ENuff, it would have eventually happened no matter what I did or didn't do.
No doormat, I doubt the
No doormat, I doubt the apology was genuine. It just seems like the typical manipulation these girls use on their fathers, and of course daddy gets sucked in.
She apologized to her father. That looks good to him. Not to soothe hs feelings or acknowledge her rudeness. Then when she turned around and attacked her SM. She believed she had daddy back on "her" side. Her anger with her SM was for pointing it out to daddy. Daddy has appeared happy with this kind of treatment from her all his life, he's never complained, so SM in her opinion was out of line.
None of this was genuinely sorry. It was about sd. She finally had the excuse she needed to lay into sm. Now the flood gates are open sd will believe she is free to bad mouth daddy's wife to him whenever she likes. I wonder how daddy will deal with this one.
When you live in this kind of family it pays to recognise as dysfunctional and toxic as they are for each other, it is all they know. Normal families treat each other with respect. These families treat other with disrespect and can't see the harm or wrong in it. Forceably opening their eyes like this will naturally bring them out fighting. They don't see the wrong in what they're doing.
Upsetting her father is not
Upsetting her father is not in SD's itinerary; it would backfire on her and she absolutely knows it. He loves and her and will let her get away with a one-time event, but not again.
Yeah, ND, she did make a
Yeah, ND, she did make a token apology to her dad and then listed out all the things that made it not her fault. It had to happen; it was the tipping point for my anger at this grown "child". It allowed me to see how damaged she really is from the divorce, now 20 years ago. I can't keep molly-coddling this grown woman when I sense she's displeased with something. And I'm so relieved to no longer have to fake it, as you said. No more pretending.
I love the " I am sorry " but
I love the " I am sorry " but ..... Stop justifying ~ own your actions. Be responsible n accountable. You are entitled to how you feel (dumbass) but plz realize there are 3 sides to every story.
Yours ~ his n the truth.
Your n his ~ have emotions attached. The truth is your actions.
Chop on that one ~ spawn
Thanks, MNCPL30. My husband
Thanks, MNCPL30. My husband and I are very committed and loving with each other and we've always had a very separate life from his grown kids. And, yes, I could have done things differently, but I didn't. SD loves her father, but has a huge chip on her shoulder about her Dad and her brother having a much closer relationship. Plus, SD's mother drilled it into her head that her father didn't love her as much as she did. I feel better now knowing that my instincts about her were right all along and I wasn't just being a bitch all these years, thinking she wasn't a huge pain in the ass and it was really my imagination.
I'm sure your intentions were
I'm sure your intentions were good but I wouldn't have gotten involved in this at all, let alone on FB. However I know you already are regretting that
You're fortunate to have such an understanding and supportive husband!
And yes it hurts after years of suspecting but not totally knowing, that your skids hate the ground you walk on
For your own emotional health, disengage from your DH's daughter. This includes not letting her take up any more of your mental energy. Concentrate on the people in your life that care about you and forget those who don't
Yes, Dis..., I'm very lucky
Yes, Dis..., I'm very lucky that my husband doesn't have blinders on where his kids are concerned. Frankly, she's so non-existent in her father's life, it's not going to be that much different not having anything to do with her "on purpose."
How are things today ?? How
How are things today ??
How is your hubby feeling ?? How do you heal someone's broken heart like his ??
I know my fiancé is broken because his only daughter wants nothing to do with our family ??
Enuff, things are good and my
Enuff, things are good and my husband is such a realist that he's not taking it personally. Plus a lot of the things she said were so far out and crazy that he's already chalked them up to her being "just like her mother." He's never been close with his daughter but he loves her. He and I are close, love one another and are best friends. We crack each other up and our life has always been like that. Maybe that's just another thing that hurts his daughter? I don't know.
Thank you, b-a. I just am so
Thank you, b-a. I just am so relieved to get this whole story off my chest and share it with people who know what it feels like and may have actual solutions. Her interaction with him has, on average, been 4 times a year for at least the past ten years. The only other time he sees her is when he calls her to go to lunch. I know it hurts him that she's got such a big chip on her shoulder about him - - thanks to her mother who has drilled all kinds of hurtful things into her head. "Your father never loved you kids as much as I did," is what she said. That, along with griping for years about him not being able to go to every SINGLE sporting event in her four years of high school, really drove the point home that "Mommy loves you more". Grrrr!
We're just moving forward. My husband acts like everything's okay, but I know it hurt him to be reminded of how neglectful his daughter really is. But we're a team, me and him. Best friends, lame comedians, shoulders to cry on. We have a good life together and that's all you can ask for. ♥
My fiancé is in a similiar
My fiancé is in a similiar situation where his only daughter chose not to have him in her life ~ her choosing. But like her spin doctor of a mother ~ spins it that he abandoned her.
He is a loving man ~ who chose to love my children ~ he took on a widow with four children. He is the fairest human being I know. My best friend has told me that I m the most supportive person she knows. I would give my last nickel if someone needed it. I care more for others than myself.
The internal anger his only daughter has ~ floors me. She has crushed him ~ emotionally he is broken. Mentally he is stuck. What did he do do wrong ~ what ? I have no answers ~ I want him to have a relationship with her ~ Without me of course. I don't know how to help him. The depression set in on him n he has escaped that dark feeling but like I hear on here a lot. He would gobble up ~ the scraps she leaves for him. I am the only constant in his life ~ I will stand by him n support him.
He recently rekindled with her ~ his hopes are probably grandiose compared to the facts. The past memories ~ I know haunt him.
The puppet master ~ holds his heart. I feel she will crush him in an instant ~ if he stands strays from her plan. Emotional blackmail is horrendous. What to do ?? How do you repair his self worth ?
You repair him with YOUR
You repair him with YOUR love, E. It's all you can do. ♥
Thanks, DB. I won't have to
Thanks, DB. I won't have to ban her, she'll just never come back. I sense she was quite shattered by my responses to her childish rantings. No one has likely ever spoken to her like that - - bluntly - - in her whole life. I don't think she expected me to respond, just stand there and take it. Whoopsey doodle! :jawdrop: If she's going to call me a bitch and say that I've always treated them like shit, she darned well better expect me to live right up to her accusations. 'Might as well "validate" her expectations, right?
You totally have my empathy.
You totally have my empathy. No, maybe you shouldn't have sent her the message but sometimes when you are in the heat of the moment and upset things just come out. I probably would have done the same thing. Especially if I had known how upset DH was like you did.
On a positive note you are so lucky to have a DH that didn't blame that whole thing on you. The fact that he actually can see what his daughter is doing and heard everything she said is a huge plus. I don't have a great relationship with my SKIDS and we (my DH & I) decided to not invite them to our wedding. Mainly because they were doing the whole drama thing all the time and we didn't want them to ruin our day. It was just an intimate ceremony anyways but the fact that the SKIDS pretty much hate me made me wonder why I would want them to be a part of our special day. Long story short DH & I have been together 8 years now and SKIDS still hate me. I did nothing to them it's just how they are. DH is finally starting to see his SKIDS for who they are now THANK GOD!
I wish you the best and just know that your intentions were good for what you were trying to do. It may have caused WW3 with SD but at least she knows that it really hurt her father with what happened.
OMG, K..1030, that sounds
OMG, K..1030, that sounds just like us! My husband decided not to invite his kids to our wedding, though I'm sure SD blames me completely. I would never reveal to her what actually took place. We've been together for 15 years and married for nine in April 2014. My husband, I know, didn't want his daughter there because he didn't want her to go running back to her mother and recount every single detail of our most happy event in our lives.
Hubby and I are just percolating along like always, just a little wiser. Thank you, K--1030.