Communication - what would you do?
I mentioned before that DH has completely cut off communication with BM - she is blocked from his cell, we changed the house phone number and no one can have it that might pass it on to her, she is blocked from both of our emails, Facebook, and my Pinterest account. If there was an emergency - there are plenty of ways to get in touch with him. SS13 and SD18 can both call his cell phone from their phones, as can the rest of DH's relatives.
The only time he has to talk to her is to call 24 hours before visitation (EOW) to confirm that he will be picking up SS13 - this is in the court order. She has now also demanded that he call her 24 hours in advance of any other time he picks up SS13. Thats a normal request for sane people, but she uses this call to berate him about home repairs that she would like, that she doesn't have enough money (she works part time and refuses to get a better or another job), or ask for favors. The call ALWAYS ends up nasty on her end - DH is very calm and cordial with her. There is literally no making her happy - its either that she won't let SS13 spend any time at my house or DH needs to take SS13 more than EOW. You just never know which extreme she is going to flop to. Basically, anything that DH is doing - she wants the opposite.
I get that he should just follow the CO, pick up SS13 EOW, and hang up on her during the two calls a month that he has to call and she starts yelling. However, BM has allowed SS13 to do home schooling so DH is trying to take him whenever he can to monitor how thats going and help him keep up. I have no problem with that and even offered to let SS13 move in with us for a month to get him off to a good start. I guess I am wondering if it is possible to mandate no contact with BM through the courts. Or, just have DH let her know that he would like to have SS13 more often, but he won't be contacting her by phone or in person and that the requirement will be changed in court? What would you do? The calls create tension because both of us hate that he has to remain calm and take her abuse. Its been going on far too long.
My DH's CO had a specific NO
My DH's CO had a specific NO CONTACT clause in it because of pretty much the same thing. No matter what BM called him for or what he called HER for, it ended up being about money or him leaving or anything other than strictly for the KIDS.
He does not have to take her abuse. In fact, if it wasn't for the provision in his CO of him HAVING to call her, he wouldn't even have to go to court for this.
All he has to do (according to CO) is call her 24 hrs in advance of picking up his son. All he has to do is say, "Hello, this is DH and I will be picking up SS13 on x date at x time at x place. Goodbye." DON'T EVEN ENTERTAIN HER BITCHING. She sounds narcissistic and any attention feeds their illness.
As far as her demanding a call on the other times, I would have DH write her a certified letter (so you have documentation) that due to her abusive communications, he will NOT be calling before he picks up SS13 for time above and beyond the COed parenting time. He could either say he will text OR email. She will have a fit, of course, but it is really out of her control. If the CO doesn't say he has to do it, he doesn't have to do it.
And the court order does NOT say that he has to listen to her, whatsoever. But especially when it comes to her complaining about money and her lifestyle.
Oh, something that has worked for some when their BMs have started complaining about money is for the father to state something like, "Well, if you aren't able to budget for everything with SS13 living there, I would be more than willing to take over full custody." Of course, you would only have him do this if you could actually handle SS13 being there all the time.
Sigh - I just talked to him
Sigh - I just talked to him about this. He is scared to rock the boat and ask for a no contact order because he wants to see SS13 as much as possible right now and BM is NOTORIOUS for involving the kids in everything and PASing to the extreme. She will go nuts if she has a no contact order and DH said he'll just start hanging up if she changes the subject to anything besides picking up SS13.
I am resentful that she has an opening into our life - she has caused SO much trouble, but I have asked DH to only call her outside our home and away from me so I guess I'll just need to ignore it and if he gets tired of it, he'll do something about it. The problem is that he and his brother have been raised by his parents to be their doormat and they both became doormats for their wives (both are divorced now). Its a role that DH is used to, but it creates tension and depression for him.
The judge is a limited god.
The judge is a limited god. S/he can order anything they want and only an (expensive) appeal to a higher court can change it.
It seems like he could comply with the court order by calling and when she answers say "I'll pick up (the kid) at the usual time, I'm sorry I have to go now" and hang up. But hasn't Mom figured out she can get his phone number off of the kids phone? Shhhhhh.
Repairs? I love that - my ex wanted me to come and fix the fence about a week after her boyfriend moved into our still warm marriage bed. What are these women thinking?
She hasn't resorted to using
She hasn't resorted to using SS13's phone yet - that would make it look like she wants to talk to DH and require humbling on her part. She just hasn't gotten to that point yet. I am sure she will. Oh well, there are some things that I can't control and this is one of them. DH will need to decide what he wants to put up with.
lol - yep, BM will say its "all about the kids" and DH (unfortunately) says that he doesn't want his kids to not have this or that because their mother is too lazy to fix it herself or get it done. I've put my foot down here - after the name calling, complete lies to screw us financially and otherwise, if he steps foot in her house, he better bring all his belongings. He doesn't want to go in there anyway, knowing that it will never end, but it still depresses him - the situation in general. I've told him that his only fault or responsibility in this situation is knocking up a skanky, mentally disturbed 19 year old two months into knowing her, but that was 18 years ago, so he needs to move on. BM has her own life - she is two years older than me (40 years old) and you'd think that the way she acts and everyone around her treats her - that she was a fucking teenager.
Good point - thats the role
Good point - thats the role he played in his family and with BM basically his whole life. He acknowledges that he doesn't have good boundaries and he feels guilty about EVERYTHING. I think what I need to do is just stop talking about it with him. Completely wipe her out of our life and ask him to call her away from me. If he wants to complain to me about what she's said, then I'll tell him that he has the control in this situation and if he chooses not to exercise it, than it isn't going to effect my life anymore.