can we talk counseling?
SD13 has been in counseling for 2.5 years. her behavior, attitude and general dispostion is awful at best, and have only worsened since our engagement this past december. she says she has "anger" issues but cant identify why.
fiance and i think counseling isnt working. we think she's doing the bulk of this crap not due to any anger issue or even because of the divorce but simply because she wants attention (and boy is she getting it!).
how do you break the cycle? can you? If he pulls her out he looks like an ass, but keeping her in perpetuates the attention getting cycle and wastes everyone's time (therapist, SD's, fiance and BM's).
we honestly cant figure out why this kid is angry. her life has not changed one bit, the way it does for some kids of divorce. she is showered with material goods even more than she was pre-divorce (by BM, mercifully fiance doesnt buy her anything), she lives in the same house she has her whole life, still runs that house, and hasnt had to change schools/leave friends, go without basics or extras, etc. the only change is that her dad doesnt live there anymore, but he lives 7 minutes away and is as involved as she will let him be.
You are very naïve to think
You are very naïve to think that this girl, any child, is unaffected by divorce. Perhaps if you compared her situation to only divorced kids in her age group she's got it made but compared to whole families her world may be completely shattered in her eyes.
I will guarantee you she would trade everything you listed and much more for it to never have happened.
Nothing personal but the best thing her father could do for her is to call off the marriage and stop co-habituating and the same goes for her mother. By making it clear that both parents consider their children the most important spheres in their universe they can undo at least some of the damage.
Formal studies now show what was suspected for a long time. Children raised in single parent homes do better than those raised in step-parent homes. I'm not talking about evil step-mother or drunken step-father homes either.
Are you and her father willing to do whatever it takes to try and put this girl on as even a keel as possible? Date out of sight, sure spend a weekend together when she's at Mom's but don't leave a ear-ring behind. When she is with Daddy you don't exist. Then when she's out of high school the two of you can take up where you left off and Daddy will have completed the job he started to do some 13 years ago.
we dated 14 months "out of
we dated 14 months "out of sight" for her well-being.
for the past 5 months i have made myself scarce on visitation days. i either go out, spend time in my room, or he takes her to his parents. i dont even eat meals with them anymore. during the week he feeds her then we eat together when she goes home.
i have already decided on my own that we will not marry until she is 18 but that is more for my own protection rather than her well being. if she flips out completely or becomes a financial drain, i want out without having to go through divorce. once was enough for me on that front.
Totally agree - after 2.5
Totally agree - after 2.5 years it's time to meet with the counselor and either come up with a new plan or get a new counselor.
i think ALL of SD's issues
i think ALL of SD's issues are due to a lack of parenting. this is a child who for 13 years has never heard the word "no" and has run the household. her mother in particular still coddles her and both mom and dad do everythign for her and never let her make mistakes or suffer consequences. why on earth the counselor doesnt see this and have a sit down with the two parents is beyond me. probably because she's making big money!
^^ That's what I called SD12s
/end rant