Brand new member, looking for help for my DH
Hi everyone,
I found this site while searching online for some sort of step-parent support group for my husband. I am hoping that I will be able to show him that he is not alone in this struggle and that there are other people who understand what he is going through. I realize that as much as I try to understand his POV I will never totally 'get it' but that doesn't mean I don't care.
Anyhow, a bit of our situation is this:
My husband and I have been married for 2 years but together for nearly 6. DD has called him 'Dad' since she was 4 years old (she started it and he said it was okay) and for the most part he likes it except for when she is disrespectful to him and then he pulls out the "if that's the way she is going to treat me, she shouldn't call me Dad".
I honestly do try to understand how hard it must be for him to do everything a bio-dad does and then still get attitude from her (she's almost 10). I realize that it would really hurt his feelings that he is the one who has always been there for her, but at the same time bio parents get the same kind of attitude from kids. She talks to me the same way as she does to him. I just don't take it to heart the way he does and I guess maybe that is the difference between being the bio-mom vs. step-dad?!? I don't know.
She is punished when she disrespects either of us, we don't tolerate it. She is a very strong-willed kid and she needs a lot of parenting. I share the role with him completely, we discuss pretty much everything and I really try to make sure he knows that his opinion does matter and that he does have a say in things.
We do not always agree on the way she should be raised, but I think that is normal. He was raised very strict and very old school and I was not so sometimes we struggle to find a balance. I have changed a lot of the ways I used to parent her and I have tried to use his ideas of being stricter so he feels valued and like an equal parent in this relationship but it seems to not be enough. He still is constantly telling me I'm not strict enough I'm not doing this right or that right...but why is his way the right way? I do not want to be the type of parent who raises my child out of fear and I feel like that is the way he was raised.
Ooops, I am getting off track. I came here looking for support for him...not me. LOL.
Anyhow, if you have read this far, I thank you. Any thoughts, opinions and/or advice will be appreciated.
You are right, kids test
You are right, kids test their limits with their parents. He must be taking it as a sign that she doesnt love or respect him, when really she is just being a kid that is testing her limits and asserting her independence. Has he ever read a stepparenting book? Sometimes they help identify feelings he may be having. It sounds like you are doing everything you can to make him feel like an equal parent. Not saying that you do, but try not to ever pull the "she's my kid" card during disagreements, if he is her only father. I would suggesting treating the situation as if he were her bio father, since that is the role he is playing. A lot of parents have to struggle between their different parenting styles. Are there parenting classes in your area you guys can take together? Question...do you think he views her as his stepdaughter or his daughter?
"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"
I am in the same situation
I am in the same situation as your husband so to speak. I have no children of my own, but my husband has 2 from a previous relationship. When SD disrespects my husband he takes it and diciplines her, when she gets moody with me, i dwell on it and get pissy myself because I have no children of my own, I have no experience of my own and I have no bond with my skids. I guess maybe your husband feels "ripped off" that he has to take care of a child that really is not his responisibility and to take lip from a 10 year old child may not seem like it is worth it...this is strictly coming from his point of view. NOW he has to understand that you and your daughter are a package deal and he has to accept her if he is to accept your relationship. Every child get's mouthy and even though she may adore the pants off of him, she is going to try to get her way. Every child does.
He seems like a stand up guy though and just keep talking with him, encourage him that he is an AWESOME dad and all his efforts will pay off and that this is just something every child does. It is REALLY, REALLY hard to accept another persons child and it is especially hard when you have no children of your own. Just be patient with him and do alot of communicating.
" Faith is a bird that feels dawn breaking and sings while it's still dark"-R.Tagore
Melis: I am 99% sure he
Melis: I am 99% sure he views her as his daughter and I think you are right when you say that he is taking it as a sign that she doesn't love and respect him. I think he also interprets it as he must be a "bad Dad", otherwise she wouldn't act like that.
Since he has not had much experience with kids in general I don't think he has realistic expectations of her or of himself as a parent. No matter how many times I try to tell him he is doing a good job and that she does love him even when she talks back to him he just won't believe me. Maybe that is b/c it's coming from me?! Is there a good parenting or step-parenting book you could recommend?
We seem to go through phases where they get along really well and things are good and then slowly the bickering starts between them, escalating to where I feel like I am almost in a tug of war between the two people I love most in the world.
An example of what we deal with is the following:
Last night, she asked me if she had to go to soccer (b/c she had a friend over and wanted to play instead) and he answered her by going on this rant about making a commitment to her team and how she had to honour that obligation, etc. and she turned to him and said "I wasn't talking to you" and then quickly added "though" to soften the impact when she saw the look on both of our faces. To change it to "I wasn't talking to you though"
DH and I discussed how we should handle it and I grounded her and cancelled her playdate with her BF which he said he agreed with at the time but then after it came out that once again I am not strict enough and he is sick and tired of her crap and on and on and on.
Then it turned into him near tears and talking about how he knows that I will always choose her and that if DD and I have to leave him he would try to understand and that he loves me more than anything but he knows I will always choose her.
I tried to be understanding at first but then I lost it and ended up saying a few dumb things such as; what's the point of being married if you're convinced it's going to all end in a year or two anyhow...why not cut our losses now before it will just hurt worse.
I really hate the fact that I lost my temper when I should be trying to be supportive. I cannot begin to imagine how hard it's got to be for him. He is raising another man's child and taking all the crap that goes with it and not seeming to get any of the good stuff that can come with being a parent.
I am so worried that if things get this bad when she is this age...what is he going to do when she's a teenager?! It's only going to get worse!
BTW, Thank you so much for your comments! I really appreciate you taking the time to read all of this and comment.
Does he ever sit her down
Does he ever sit her down and tell her how her comments make him feel? Maybe try to appeal to her softer side and really think about how she is treating him? Have they tried bonding through activities with just the two of them? I have a smiliar situation with my 6 yr old son and my DH, except my son sees his bio dad too. He lives out of state so he doesn't get to see him a whole lot, and I honestly think that might even be worse. He puts his dad on a pedastal and sometimes treats my DH not very well, like he's comparing his two dads. Its tough. But my DH tries to bond with him, stays firm and consistent on punishments, and makes a point to talk to him after he's punished him. I encourage his involvement as a equal parent because 1. he has been in my son's life since he was 2 yrs old and 2. he is my son's only consistent role model (and a damn good one at that - his bio dad is no peach in the morals dept). One thing you said though struck me as odd - he said that you will always choose your daughter over him. Do you think that he feels you don't always back him up? Or that you spend too much time giving her attention and neglect your relationship with him at all? I would ask what he meant by that. I'm not home for a few days so I don't have any book titles with me, but I can let you know in a couple days
"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"