BM or BM Family Says Jump, FH Say's HOW HIGH! (long but good!)
I seriously want to tear my hear out!
BM is living with her Mum and BF (Yes he moved into HER family home! perlease!!) just 5 mins down the road from where I live with my FH (I know... NOT IDEAL!) Anyway to cut a long story short, my FH has his own business (which is suffering and I am supporting him more or less for now - I'm comfortable with this). His work requires him to be on the road a lot OR to be spent at home working as he does not require an office. Unfortunately, he is also struggling to pay his childcare maintenance (for SD2 and SD4) and for this I think he is 'guilt parenting' and jumping whenever the BM or her family say so. We have the girls every wednesday (sleep over) and EOW (and we spend fortunes making the time together special and exciting) but there are a million of in-between pick-up's and drop off's from school (Mum's car broke down), Granny is going out, BM is at work....please can you have them for 3 hours this afternoon?...and the list goes on and on and on and on! Now I completely understand that my FH feels guilty about not being able to provide for his girls as much as he should, but HOW CAN HE GET ANY WORK DONE if he is constantly being asked to play 'DADDY DAYCARE?!?!' I am so frustrated, it's just happened again...
We got up this morning and I said that I was going to come home early today as I have a meeting in our area around lunch time and instead of going back into town to work I would come straight home (REALLY looking forward to this weekend...our 'off' weekend as FH and I have been going through a stressful time of late and I thought we could go for some sundowners or something fun around 4pm)...Anyhoo...he said 'thats great! I'll be finished with my work too that sounds awesome'. HA! I should have known better....
I sent him a text around 11am saying ...'We still on for 4pm later? Do you need to work?'....and there's silence....no response. Now I don't know if it's just me, but when he doesn't reply within a few minutes (like he always does) then I KNOW something's up. AND ONCE AGAIN I AM RIGHT!!...he rang me at 12pm saying (in a very sketchy tone) that when he dropped off the girls' things from the night before as BM's house...GrannyBM asked him if he could take the girls for the afternoon. Totally feeling it to be fine to make arrangements over ours!(Cheek!). The problem is I know he has already said YES to GrannyBM as he doesn't have the B*LLOCKS to say no - and is pretending to ask me if it's ok first and will get back to her. So the usual happens, my tone changes and he can hear that I am put out (again) ...so he get's defensive and says "well I'm going to take them because there is no one else to look after them and they are my children and I don't know what else to do - but I would very much like you (me) to come and join us after your meeting so that we can all be together!" (NO THANKS! I DON'T FANCY IT...IT'S OUR WEEKEND!!!)
Please ladies am I going StepWitch SELFISH MAD!?!?!?! There are SO many of these occasions that I forget to count. It's like whenever I look forward to something I get cut down at the knees! I feel as though I give, give, give - body, mind, money and soul and what do I get back? Sod All....that's what!
I need to find a way that I can communicate with and tell my FH that he needs to get some of his priorities in order in a way that won't end up in an argument! Please help me you lovely ladies...before I go spare!
Thanks
Nicely done, step aside
I think she pretty much said it all and very well. The only thing I can add it to remember, if the last minute change in arrangements isn't a problem for him...if he isn't bothered by it, then the only problem is you. BM and her mother are happy, DH is happy, kids are happy. You are the only person unhappy and causing a problem. Grossly unfair, huh? I just lived through it myself.
You have to decide what you are willing to put up with. On a kind of a side note, it may be sexist, but I've never had the temperment to financially support a man. He's broke and puts you last. Hmm. I'd definitely have a little talk about how things need to be.
"Courage is fear holding on a minute longer." General George S. Patton
Points taken!
Thanks ladies - it just helps to vent sometimes and you are absolutely right, I let these things happen AND at the same time I let them get to me. Martyr I guess huh?
I must say that after I had written my rant and saw it posted up (for the first time on here or any blog site for that matter!) I felt a hug relief - I just needed to get it out there I guess.
Thanks girls x
Get a book for him - wait buy two.
Dad probably needs to be reminded that his primary job in life is to prepare his kids for adulthood not showing them a good time.
Browse on Amazon for books on being a non-custodial father and order it for him.
I have to disagree with you that the girls living five minutes away just down the road is "NOT ideal". I think it is ideal. Why you may ask? Well I'll tell you. This is all about the kids. I'm not talking about some idealistic notion but practical day to day existance. The more a father is involved in the raising of his children the better adjusted adults they'll turn out to be.
You mentioned his ex has a boyfriend. This poses a clear danger to him which he must off-set as much as possible. His fear is that some day they'll say something like "Mom and Dad went to the store yesterday" and he'll know darn well he's not the Dad they're talking about. Or even worse the dreaded "I don't want to visit you anymore". All non-custodial parents face this real possibility.
Your job will be to find a balance between those fears and his over-reacting to them by becoming Johnny on the spot. It won't be easy and for that reason when you order that book for him search for books on being a step-mother. A wealth of information is available to you.
No I don't work for Amazon. lol
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Since no one else will thank you for what you've done I will do so now. Thank you for being important in a kids life. Fifty years from now its the only thing that will matter about your existance.