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Bio Kids' Birthdays

sam44's picture

Hello

It's my daughter's birthday coming up and we just had all the Summer skid plans changed at the last minute and now we will have the skids for my daughter's birthday. She is really disappointed. I have tried really hard to do the right thing and tell her she has to accept that and shouldn't see it as a negative thing that she has more people to celebrate it with but inside I am also really disappointed. She wanted to go out for dinner and now she doesn't want to go and wants to go out and spend it with her friends instead. So I feel like I'm losing my own daughter on her birthday because they are here.

Not really much I can do. I can't help feel resentful because on SD and SS's birthdays, they don't have to have my kids trailing along, in fact, this year the two of them got to go out for a nice cosy meal with BM and my DH to play happy families on their birthdays (yes, I know....need a whole new post altogether to pull that one apart!).

Anyone who has thought of a sly little way to get around this one? I've tried being nice, now I'm up for considering sneaky! : )

lil_lady's picture

What is so bad about you going and taking your bio child out for a dinner?? Call it a ladies night? I guess it depends if BD is also your SO's daughter if not I don't think she should have to have your skids there... Did anyone ask her if she wanted step siblings im guessing not she shouldn't have to suffer now.

RedWingsFan's picture

^^^This. Take your daughter out alone for her special birthday dinner. Why is that such a difficult thing???

sam44's picture

Thanks for your support.

No, she is not DH's bio kid. The problem is that it wouldn't just be her, it would be me and my other kids. And that would mean leaving his kids out, which is never accepted/acceptable. If it were just me and my daughter, I think we could swing that one on the "girls night out" premise. But not taking my sons along too. Might just have to turn it into a girl's night out with me and one of her friends.

I hate this.

realitycheckmom's picture

Why is it ok for your SO to exclude you and your kids AND go with HIS EX to take his kids for their birthdays but you cannot take your kids out for one of your kids birthdays? Sorry but I would stand up and say hell no. I would also have walked out on this selfish jerk a long time ago.

EvilWickedSM's picture

Why is it acceptable for him to have dinner with just the skids AND HIS EX WIFE, but it's not acceptable for you to have a birthday dinner with just your kids? I would take my kids, leave him and skids home.

momto3's picture

I agree with lil_lady...why not just you & BD celebrate with dinner (or any of your bio kids you want to include). I've done this with my BD18 many times in the past and still do. Of course she's at college, but I use that as our special time together.

sam44's picture

I wish it was that simple. I really doubt that DH would understand. He takes everything as a personal attack against his kids. To him, we should be like the Brady Bunch even though his kids don't live with us and mine do. Not the same as the Brady Bunch. And my daughter does not get along with his daughter. Mine has made several attempts to fix the relationship but SD always turns her down. DH sees this, thank God and he is in agreement that BD has disengaged because he is also embarrassed by the way that his daughter arrives and just disengages from everyone except Daddy. whenever we go out with skids and bio kid together, everything ends up revolving around them. And even DH sees this. They end up gaining control somehow, with complaints about where we're going, with being too tired to stay out, with hanging off DH (both of them...physically hanging off him) to the point where it causes stress for everybody. So, as much as I would love to be the kind of big old family that spends time together, it never pans out that way and my kids end up resentful for them "ruining everything".

I think I might just suggest that he take his kids out somewhere for the evening (because there is no way that he would consider staying at home...the bill will have to be the same price and everything!) and be honest about the fact that my daughter wants to spend the time without skids there. It's so hard. I know it will lead to a fight!

Last year, my BD was with her Dad in another country for her birthday so I didn't even get to see her and this year it's like this! Hey, didn't birthdays used to be good times? !!!!

SMof2Girls's picture

It doesn't sound like you guys are really trying to blend your families. If that's the case, take your kids out and leave DH home with his.

He won't set boundaries with his kids or his ex-wife because he feels guilty. So you will be bearing the brunt of that for a very very long time .. or until you start standing up for yourself.

just.his.wife's picture

Perhaps it is time to introduce your SO to what equal really is.

Start the conversation with the fact that for his kids bdays they got a bday dinner out with their parents... no step parents, no step siblings etc present and simply advise him you are holding to that standard for your kid.

You will be taking your kid out, with her biological family for dinner. Period. No negotiations. Let him think for a minute or two that your ex will be there and when he has a cow, remind him it is the same he did for his kids, separate but equal.

Perhaps that will register in his male mind and next year BM wont be involved with his kids bday meal. It is time to stand your ground where your kids are concerned, he seems to have no problem standing firm on his.

And your kids will remember that you werent allowed/ did not treat them the same as he treated his. It will build a resentment that will tear your blending family apart.

step off already's picture

Yes. Good advice.

AlSo you may just NOT change your plans you have with dD for her bday. Life goes on. Whether skids are around or not.

oldone's picture

He owes you BIG TIME for going out to dinner with BM and his kids. I can't be believe some men can be so incredible self-centered and selfish.

SMof2Girls's picture

This is the guy who's suffering from serious guilty-dad issues. He cheated on his wife and then left her for the OP.

sam44's picture

In his defense, BM organised the meal and he insists that he would have invited me along but we are living 200 miles apart at the moment and SD's birthday fell midweek, when I was working. If I had had balls then I would have driven 200 miles to go out with them just to make a point. He would NEVER have got away with that when we were all living in the same town (and BM knew that). Back then, me and my kids were always invited to skid's parties (at BM's house) where DH would always piss me off by helping her out in the kitchen. I used to say, "for once can we go there and can you behave like my partner, like the GUEST that you are, instead of like her puppy dog?" This was all in front of BM's whole family! The trouble this time is that his kids are coming to stay with us (with him) while they have two weeks' vacation. It's not the same.

I think if the shoe was on the other foot...if we were all staying together somewhere (his house, my house, wherever) and SD wanted to just go out with Daddy and SS, I would probably be very offended. Not because I feel that my kids have a right to go along but because it would be about SD paying mini wife and excluding ME, not my kids. Nevertheless, I wouldn't like it, so how can I then be such a hypocrite and do the same thing? Trying to explain the difference to DH would be impossible because he wouldn't focus on those details, he would just focus on "my poor excluded children"..."You hate my children", etc. etc. etc.

Disneyfan's picture

Wait, you cheated with her husband. He left her for you and shre allows you and your kids in her home????

The woman is a saint.

sam44's picture

Slightly off-topic…but I'll defend myself AGAIN here. I fell in love with the man when we were just friends. I made it clear to him that I would not engage in a relationship while he was still married, he left. They were both very unhappy. They had slept in separate beds for many years. They are not OLD people with back problems, they were in their thirties! She had had doubts about her sexuality. She had not been faithful (he always had). He understood my reasoning... I don't think ANY man should be allowed to have his cake and eat it. You want a new relationship? Get out of your old one first. She was glad to see the back of him and she made that clear. The only animosity she holds towards me is due to the fact that she has lost half the money he brought into the house. But we can still communicate, still be at a party together and be civil. Still communicate if we need to over the skids. The woman is not stupid. She knows I am not a home wrecker. She couldn't stand her husband. That happens. I'm sorry if you feel he should have put up with that for the rest of his life. I don't. Nor do I think it is fair for someone else (me) to come along and interfere. I repent my involvement in their divorce. But I did not have some kind of long drawn out affair. I did not sleep with her husband until he was no longer her husband. And I certainly didn't break the woman's heart. I couldn't live with that. I do have principles.

So, please don't judge me. I think people have the right to a second chance in life and with love. DH chose to take that chance.

SanAntonioSoccerMom's picture

You take your kids out for your daugther's birthday dinner and he can do whatever he wants with his kids, his choice. And then if he gets pissy you can remind of the cozy birthday dinner he participated in with his kids and his ex.

hismineandours's picture

I think you should just plan it with your kids and go-tell dh of your decision and leave it at that. Even in intact, "happy" families-not everybody does everything together all the time. If your dh is aware of some of the strains and conflict with his daughter and your daughter then he should be aware that forcing the two of them together in an event that the attention would be on YOUR daughter is only going to make HIS daughter feel more left out and resentful. I would try and get him to understand that NOT going is actually in the best interest of his kids-they will get family time with just him that they 'd probably love to have.

SMof2Girls's picture

I'm not sure the BM ever really would have welcomed her into her home. She may have said she would, knowing that with a distance of 200 miles SM would never actually show up. It was likely just icing on the cake to get her dear ex-husband back home with her and the kids .. as a family.

SMof2Girls's picture

It only takes one bad stepmom out of thousands to live up to the stereotype of "homewrecker" or "evil stepmom" to make us all look bad.

sam44's picture

If a woman was treated by her husband the way DH was treated by BM, you would all be screaming gas lighting and emotional abuse. Because he's a man, he's expected to put up with it for the rest of his life or at least until his kids are 18. Double standards.

BM has invited me into her home on several occasions. She has come to our home on several occasions. I have to say that one freaky Christmas, we all had Christmas dinner together. All the kids, skids and exes. It was their first year apart and nobody could handle not being with their kids so we all agreed that we would have to swallow our pride and be adults and make the day special for the kids, demonstrating that all four parents could still be civil to each other. Looking back, I can't see how that actually happened because BM has since turned sour (don't even know why..but according to DH this happens with everyone around her). But we're still civil. Just not pretending to be buddies any more.

You see, this is why BM would invite me to her home. And this is why I have the "nerve" to go. Her family are all very nice to me. They were all aware BM was being unfaithful to DH and that he was miserable. That doesn't make my involvement in their final separation right, i'm not saying that. I'm just saying that things aren't always black and white!

SMof2Girls's picture

"Because he's a man, he's expected to put up with it for the rest of his life or at least until his kids are 18."

No. He's expected to leave and file for divorce BEFORE starting a relationship with a new woman.

Regardless of his reasons, to his kids, you will always be a homewrecker. He will always play guilty dad for destroying his family. Blending your families will be exponentially more difficult.

sam44's picture

Yes, you are right but, to skids, most step moms are actually home wreckers even if their parents were divorced for years even before SM came along. But in my case I fit the bill…so I deserve everything I get, right?

I did not marry my children's father until my eldest child was eight. If we had split up during that time, would that not be a broken family? Would we have to be married to count as a family even though we were fully committed to each other and parents of two children at the time? If you walk out and you tell your husband/wife you want a divorce, it's done. The paperwork doesn't make it any more or less final.

But you are right on many counts. I have signed up for a pretty shit life here. But DH and I work incredibly hard (along with both of our exes…maybe BM a little less so) to make sure our kids are happy, well-balanced individuals. My family was not "destroyed" when my parents split up. They fought (literally) like cat and dog and they both went on to be much happier people and much better parents. My family changed. It did not die.

SMof2Girls's picture

You have nothing to explain to me. You're the one stuck dealing with your SD who creates drama and tension in your home and a husband who mostly lives 200 miles away and attends dinners at his ex-wife's house.

Nothing about your situation sounds happy or well-balanced for anyone involved, but there's a lid for every pot.

sam44's picture

Thanks for that, SMof2Girls. I appreciate you saying that . But I do feel now like I need to explain myself to everyone because I feel like I'm being attacked. And you are right, my life is not the best at the moment. But it's funny, when I read the other forum posts, mine doesn't seem so bad! From the outside other people's situations always seem worse than yours and let's face it, none of us would even BE on this forum if we were in great situations…we'd be on bonus moms.org or something, singing about how much we loved our bonus kids and our bonus ex-wives!

Stepbell's picture

I'm not commenting on anything other than if its your dd bday I think she should choose how to spend it. He needs to go do something with his if he chooses. Can't force them to be happy stepsibs no matter how you two ended up together but I do think its her day and her wishes should be thought of first. He will be mad but he will get over it. It's not about him. Or his kids. This needs to be her day.

sam44's picture

Thank you, sincerely Stepbell, for not commenting on anything other than my question and for offering such clear vision of how things should be. You are right. The look on my daughter's face when I told here they would be here for her birthday should have made my mind up for me. It's her birthday. I feel I have let her down by even questioning it just to keep the peace with him…when it is so hard to keep the peace with him anyway.

jumanji's picture

ITA that kiddo should get to celebrate her day as she'd like. BUT, I would likely offer a compromise - a family celebration on a different day.

Step-Volgirl's picture

Regardless of how you two got together, the issue is your daughter's birthday. If you honestly believe that having the skids there will ruin your daughter's birthday, then as her mother, you take the hit with your husband. It's a no-brainer. The fact that you would even consider ruining your daughter's birthday just to avoid making your husband upset is just awful! Your husband has no problem ticking you off to make his kids happy - why can't you do the same?

sam44's picture

You are right. I guess since I don't have to worry that my daughter will make my life hell for weeks and storm out and/or get aggressive and blame blame blame and throw it in my face whenever it suits her, she's easier to let down and that is so wrong, you are absolutely right. I can see that now. Sometimes when you are only hearing one voice (DH) you lose sight of what is right.

Sincerely, thank you all for your support here on ST on this issue. I really do appreciate it.

Cocoa's picture

i think it's instrumental in how the two of you got together and there's just no getting around it. it's going to be one issue after another. step-parenting is hard enough without being involved in the marital break up. most of us struggle with being blamed for the breakup of our dh's marriage when in fact it had been years in some cases. we get painted to some extent by the same brush you have. but, we can SOMETIMES rise above it and work through our issues. i don't see this happening in your case. i think this relationship has been doomed from the beginning and i must congratulate those steppers for TRYING to rise above it and TRY to give you advice in spite of the odds. honestly, bring your children into a situation like this is abhorrent, and they ARE going to suffer. i'm glad to see you're finally considering putting your children before this man. i think you should begin NOW putting them first in every aspect of life while they are still young. you have the rest of your life to do as you please and plenty of opportunity to make yourself happy when your children are raised. if you can't get your dh on board with helping you give your kids what THEY need for a change, you should re-consider your options.

sam44's picture

Hello all

I thought I would update you in what happened here with my daughter's birthday…a lesson in "don't sweat it".

Sometimes we tie ourselves in knots looking for a solution and then the problem disappears and no solution is even needed. I wish I could remember that a little more when I'm worrying myself into an early grave!

So, a week before her birthday, my daughter got invited by her best friend to go to London for two weeks. It meant being away from home for her birthday but the trip they had planned was out of this world and it was all paid for and I couldn't afford a big vacation for the kids this year. So I let her go. And she had the time of her life! Absolutely loved it.

A happy ending. Thank you all for your advice.

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