BF's daughter tell's BM that she wouldn"t want to come live with us cuz we "fight too much"......
So my BF's daughter was out at our place this past summer for about a month. (this is the longest that all of us (myself, boyfriend/partner and his daughter) have spent togehter ever, and the longest BF and FSD have spent togetehr in over 4 years).
So.. when the kid gets back to BM's house and they have one of their famous arguements the mom tells the kid (as usual) that "she can go live with her dad if she doesn't like it there" and the kid's response is that she doesn't want to live with us cuz we (myself and her dad) argue too much...
At first hearing this, i feel aweful. of course thats not how i want FSD to think of our home. But then part of me feels manipulated and defensive b/c i dont' think that we argue that much at all, most of the time my BF and i jokingly go back and forth in a conversation, but its playful.
Both my BF and i had indivudal sit down talks with FSD while she was here and stated that we are not really serious when we seem like we are arguing. These talks came about b/c while she was here, in one of her meltdowns she told dad that she didnt' want to come back b/c "we argue about her". which he then explained that "we have differences of opinion sometimes, but that we both jsut want the best for her".
Should i be worried that we really need to change our relatinship? Especially in front of the kid? Or is it possible she is just trying to manipulate daddy into not feeling secure in mine and his relationship?
Yes, we have disagreed about the kid in front of her, but we try and make sure that any serious discussion happen behind clsoed doors. I really feel bad that his daughter thinks this way of us, but its just hard for me to believe that we really argue as much as she is makign it out to be. but i dotn' want to be one fo those trashy parents that doesnt' think about the kids' needs.
Could it be that she is just not used to us and it will just take tiem to get used to? thoughts?
I guess I'd disagree that
I guess I'd disagree that kids never should witness ANY argument whatsoever...BUT I will agree that discussions/arguments about the child in front of the child are probably not a good idea. Thos shoudl be for closed doors. About play arguments-I know what you're saying-my bf and I can be super sappy sweet and then "play argue" w/eachother-my oldest son and his daughter seem to 'get it' that that's what we do-my youngest we have to explain we're playign w/eachother not being mean
But I've also never had his kid or mine say we argue to much-in fact I don't think we've had one "for real" argument in front of them yet. I'd perhaps talk the daughter to see why/how she feels this way-and cease w/the arguments about HER in front of her please, that's just not good.
Arguing and disagreements in
Arguing and disagreements in a relationship are going to happen. Even when you take extra pains to NOT argue in front of the kids, you're going to argue in front of the kids from time to time.
I think not having and resolving disagreements in front of children is very unhealthy. I have friends who went through life thinking every argument was an end to their relationship. Children need to witness conflict and conflict resolution as part of their developing social skills.
When DH was CP, he had his kid in counseling the entire time. The counselor asked us not to argue in front of his kid. That she was dealing with anxiety and it upset her. I told the counselor that is an unrealistic expectation of any couple, but especially one in our particular situation. We don't argue in front of her most times, but it's going to happen. Maybe you (counselor) should teach her some better coping skill and help her understand arguing isn't necessarily a bad thing.
The counselor was quiet for a few minutes and then said I was correct. The answer had more to do with how DH's kid deals with conflict, then trying to avoid it. Which would, in the end, cause her more problems.
And before the torrent of hate responses get heaped on my head, I'm not talking abut the kind of fighting that includes dish throwing, screaming, name calling and 9-11 calls. I'm talking about disagreements between two adults with conflicting ideas. There is a difference.
I agree with Shaman29. We
I agree with Shaman29. We can try not to argue with eachother in front of the kids, but it can happen. I think it's best to be realistic about that, you're not perfect. I think it's good that you both sat down with her and talked about it. As long as you are communicating with eachother and with her, then you're working on improving the situation and that's the reality of life... There's always something that needs to be improved upon and she needs to see that good communication is the foundation of improving just about everything