Bell Pepper Fight

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SD(14) has had issues surrounding food her whole life. A mixture of ADHD and anxiety led to her being somewhat picky. Her dad always used to yell at her to eat and she would sit crying at the table. It didn't work then and I know it won't work now.

DH and I have been planning to work on this together. He admits he gets frustrated so he's taking my advice on this and it's been going relatively well.

Last night we decided we would have her taste a piece of bell pepper. It's sweet, she likes veggies, it might just work. We discussed how his yelling at her in the past was not helpful. It seemed like we had a plan, and then it all went right out the window.

When SD got to the kitchen we were able to gently persuade her to get the tiny piece of bell pepper in her mouth. I could tell she was afraid but she did it. Yay!

DH then asked her to take a bite and she wouldn't. He started getting frustrated and his voice started raising. He kept pushing her to take a bite, eat it, just eat the damn thing.

I didn't agree with what was happening so I stepped in. I said something like, "Should this really be an argument?"

He said, "I want her to eat it."

I said "isn't tasting it enough? I think she's doing great."

And he said, "No. I want her to eat it."

And I replied, "I just don't think this should be a fight over a tiny piece of bell pepper."

And he maintained, in a very frustrated voice, that he absolutely wanted her to eat it.

Meanwhile she was pitifully standing there with this piece of bell pepper in her mouth, looking like she might cry.

I shut my mouth and walked away.

Later he told me he was mad at me for contradicting him in front of her. I told him I didn't agree with what he was doing. He told me if I don't agree with something I should tell him later. I told him I felt like we were partners in this considering we had worked on it together, I didn't think speaking up was a problem. But he's still upset I contradicted him.

I mean, I guess he's right? As much as he wants me to step up, it's obvious he doesn't want me as an equal in this. And I should've figured. I'm not the "mom". I'm just a step. And this is a great reminder.

It does hurt though. I care about both of them and have been placed between them, trying to understand and work with both of them at the same time.

They both need and want my support but I don't like having to be so careful and tip toe around. There's too many rules. I can't just act on instinct like a real mom... because I'm not.

Thanks for the reminder DH. Sigh.

What in the hell was your

What in the hell was your husband's deal with the bell pepper? A power play?

Seriously, unless she's starving herself or not getting the proper nutrients, he needs to let this go. Plenty of people, adults included, have a whole list of foods that they NEVER eat, for whatever reason. So what.

I would have stepped in, too. I have never just taken my DH's side if he was flat out wrong and if he was acting like a jerk, I would not stay silent.

Sure, you could have talked to him about it later, but his daughter was suffering in the moment and he was being borderline abusive.

You don't have to be a "real" mom to have instincts, compassion, and be human.

If I had to guess, she has

If I had to guess, she has other behavioral issues, things she does on purpose. She can be purposefully sneaky, purposefully lazy, purposefully hurtful, purposefully manipulative. She's a sweet girl but has a bad side sometimes and that bad side really, really pushes DH's buttons. So... I imagine his brain categorizes her eating issues into that mental brain folder. The "bad behavior" folder. So he gets frustrated with her. He starts thinking her tears and pouting are manipulation.

However, when she's being "bad" and doesn't do a chore, he demands she do the chore and she does it in a grumpy teen way. No tears. No pouting. It's a totally different body language. She does the "dumb" chore and is grumpy about it because it's "dumb" and he's "dumb" but that's it. She does it. No need to sit there and yell at her.

So I noticed the eating thing is different. It's something else. He hasn't quite figured that out yet... I'm trying to work on it because I care. But maybe I should stop. He is her father and if he wants to have these fights with her, maybe I should let him? Maybe I should walk out of the room when it gets like that, so he knows I don't want to hear it and she doesn't think I support it.

If I had to guess, she has

Only in stepworld

Not sure what your DH problem is.

She is 14 and doesnt want take a bite of bell pepper. OK, whatever. Id tell DH to be more selective on what hill to die on. Pick your battles.

Thank you. I appreciate all

Thank you. I appreciate all the comments here saying they think his strategy is not helpful because that is also my viewpoint. This has helped me decide that I will stick by that idea rather than giving in and agreeing with how he does things.

But I think I probably should stay out of it if he and his daughter are in an argument. I know it was a plan that originally involved me, and so I felt defensive and like I had to help, but at that point I should have backed off instead of trying to come between them.

I'm currently telling him I might try walking away in those moments instead of getting involved. I don't want to come between them, but I also don't want her to think I support what he's doing, so I'm just going to walk away. That's my compromise. If he can't agree to that then I don't even know...

He asked for your help

He asked for your help after he acknowledged the issue was frustrating him. Of course you were right to step in. He is being a big baby and a bully.

SD is 14, who cares if she eats a bell pepper or not? Most kids that age are picky. Encourage them to try new food but ifts certainly ok if they don't want to eat it.

DH needs to get a grip.

Does he realize how totally

Does he realize how totally counter-productive his "method" is? He is in the process of traumatizing her for life.

He doesn't realize it,

He doesn't realize it, honestly. She has normal bad teen behaviors that she does all the time and I'm pretty sure he thinks this eating thing is also that. However, she never comes to tears when she gets into trouble for stealing or when she gets into trouble for doing chores. But making her eat something she's nervous about? It's tears almost immediately. That's not the same thing and I don't think he gets that yet. He has claimed he thinks it's manipulation. But he also doesn't really understand anxiety so...

Again, unless she's starving

Again, unless she's starving herself or being weird about food just to get attention or something, why does he think this is manipulation? She tasted the damn thing, why was that not enough for him?

I think your husband has issues of his own that he should deal with.

At 14, this is a ridiculous

At 14, this is a ridiculous fight - it should have taken place when she was 4. Lots of people are picky eaters. Your DH should hope SD doesn't have my reaction to being forced to eat something I didn't like. It came back up - all over my mother.

There is a genetic component to this as well. Super tasters are particularly sensitive to bitter or spicy flavors in foods. Bell peppers burn my tongue. Can't stand the things.

There is a difference between

There is a difference between making her complete a chore (teaching responsibility) and bullying her into eating something that she doesn't want to eat (which I would not classify as bad behavior). She may have some bad behaviors but his behavior is no better.

He doesn't want SD to see us disagreeing. He wants it to look like either that he and I are a team, or that I'm not involved at all.

Well, sorry, but that is not real life. Besides, if he wants it to look like you are always a team, he should not have gone rogue.

It's his daughter, but it's also your home, and you don't have to sit back and watch him bully his daughter over a stupid crap. I wouldn't.

Your DH is a douche.

That is all.

Thanks everybody.

I talked to him again today and he admitted he let his ego get into the way. He says it could have gone better with SD. He does agree with what my plan was with her eating. He said he's sorry.

I come here for a bit of confidence, validation, and a back bone. You all are very useful in that regard. Thanks again!

In the early years, my mom

In the early years, my mom was one of those mothers who insisted her kids at least try a bite of something even if the kid didn't want to. She stopped that when she made my older brother try one bite of spinach. She said he could have faked the shudder, but there was no way he was faking the hair standing up on his arms.

While I recognize that some

While I recognize that some people have issues with food, as a kid I had a severe gag reflex with zuccini, I am a follower of the kids eat what is prepared philosophy. Take a bit of everything prepared, eat it, and then have a second portion of the things you like. No second portion of the stuff they like until the first serving of small portions of everything is finished. As for zuccini, I just could not get it down without gagging. I still had to eat it.

I finally learned to dice into rice grain sized pieces and eat it with bites of other stuff on the plate.

My parents did not fight with me about it. Or with each other about it. We had to eat what was prepared. They just kept serving it to me from the refridgerator until I ate it. Until it was gone. I enjoy zuccini now and have for decades.

Hunger works.

Kids can work through their food issues once they launch.

IMHO of course.

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